Dame Malone -- Life Coach

The bondage of Forgiving but not Forgetting

2012-01-06T09:13:00.000-05:00

Forgiving is Remembering and not forgetting...but it is what we choose to remember and forget, that determines if we've truly forgiven.

To truly forgive is to throw the wrong act committed against us into the pit of forgetfulness. This is what it means to truly forgive...and it is the only true forgiveness. Anything else is pseudo-forgiving, kinda-forgiving, somewhat-forgiving, until they harm us again.

Forgiving but not forgetting what someone has done to us, is akin to placing them on probation, and we serve as the probation officer.

But how do you forget something so awful that has been done to you? I mean...they went totally "HAM" on you. And you can't get it out of your mind...when you see them!

Exactly....STOP TRYING to forget it...forgetting can't be done by TRYING to forget. If I tell you to NOT think of a pink giraffe...guess what animal you are thinking about RIGHT NOW! Really...try NOT to think of a PINK GIRAFFE....go ahead....don't think about it. You can't get the PINK GIRAFFE out of your mind. (Don't front like you ain't thinking of a pink giraffe..lol)

This is because thoughts and emotions are never truly destroyed or eliminated...they are merely replaced with other thoughts and other emotions, that we've deemed more important at a given point in time. And that time is always NOW.

In order to stop thinking of that tiny pink elephant...we'd have to replace it with Elmo laughing, or Denzel Washington, Halle Berry, George W. Bush doing the dougie. (By the way, I know it was a pink giraffe..not an elephant....I purposely switched animals to further the point..."It" is whatever you choose "it" to be)

As such, when forgetting a transgression....we don't actually FORGET...what we strive to do is to REPLACE the act of wrongdoing against us with another thought. So instead of forgetting...yes, we should remember...but not the transgression committed against us. We remember how relieving, how releasing, how redeeming it feels for us to be forgiven...TRULY FORGIVEN for our own transgressions.

We remember how LOVE is the sacrifice of our selfish nature.

We remember we've done, are doing, and will do, many of the same things we hold against others. We remember that LOVE does not recall the transgressions of others...neither does LOVE serve as a probation officer...holding the transgression inside...in our hearts...but pretending like everything is OK...until someone "messes up" again...and we serve the warrant...and put them in jail for LIFE! We were actually waiting on it...expecting it...and remembrance is akin to revenge (left in the holster). Love frees and seeks freedom from bondage...for ourselves and others.

But our nature is to actually FORGET our own faults, and to REMEMBER those of others. But what we are actually doing is REPLACING our own wrongs with the wrongs of others. Think about it. We can't forget anything...its just replaced with something we've found more important. So what's more important to remember...wrongdoing or redemption?

Something to think about. And no, this is in no way easy...but in a way...it is. We produce as much food in this country to feed the hungry 10 times over...but there are children hungry...how...easy...would it be...but we all know why we make things DIFFICULT. Love is the solution, and lack of love is the problem.

Using the Eye that SEES...

2012-01-02T16:05:00.001-05:00

When we use our physical eyes to look at our surroundings, we see people, places and things. And since our physical eyes allow us to discern colors, shapes and textures, we use them to help our minds to compare and contrast each...separating one person, place or thing from another....and also to categorize and place them into groups...in order to make it easier for our minds to interact with those persons, places or things.

Over time, whether we realize it or not, we become so good at placing people, for example, into categories, we think we know them, the moment that we see them...and thus form an opinion about them, with little more than a tiny sliver of their lives (the little that we've seen) on which to go on.

So our physical eyes see that this person is "bad", and this one is "good or o,k". This one is "uneducated", "ghetto", "irresponsible", while this one "has it all together", is "smart", "needy". On FB, "I'll communicate with this one...because we have a lot in common..." but not "that one, because they're weird, or my friends may not understand..."

We tend to make our physical eyes....judge, jury and executioner...not only when dealing with others, but also ourselves. Or even worse....making the eyes of others and the opinions they form, rule every aspect of our lives. How can one find peace with this? You may be tired, exhausted with life itself...and never understanding why.

But there is a 3rd eye, a spiritual eye...which does not rely on that which the physical eyes see. And when we learn to use this eye, we begin to see that the people around us, are merely reflections of our own internal spirit. We see a part of ourselves in EVERYONE and EVERYTHING we come into contact with...we see our aspirations, our fears, our insecurities, our thoughts, our desires...etc.

We see people, places and things with our 3rd eye, when we realize that the the thoughts and emotions we feel when using our physical eyes to see around us...are really telling us about US and how we feel about....OURSELVES.

We then realize that we are NOT a slave to our emotions or thoughts, rather our emotions and thoughts are OUR tool and we have a CHOICE at any given moment of HOW we feel, and WHAT we think, and most importantly, HOW we think of others that are like us...and those who are "different".

We begin to realize that any separation between us, is of our own creation, and based on our own insecurities, and by letting go of this separation, we begin to more fully understand LOVE in its purest, agape, form.

We then have a better understanding of : "Love your neighbor as yourself...do good to those who despise you" Luke 6:27

It takes so much more than our physical eyes to be able to do this, but its as simple as closing them and seeing the "YOU" in everyone.

What about your FRIENDS?

2011-10-07T17:11:00.003-04:00

The only difference between the puppet and the puppet masteris NOT who controls the strings. It iswhat those strings actually represent in the lives of either. A puppet master can control the puppet stringsand still be a puppet, because it NEEDS strings in order to be a puppet master,and it doesn’t realize that need ISthe string. Those who seek to manipulateothers for their own gain, are in just as much bondage and are beingmanipulated as much as the ones they seek to manipulate. The puppet master needs a puppet in order toeven be a puppet master. The puppetbecomes the strings that control the puppet master, as it needs to be thepuppet master…it needs to feel like they are “above” others, like they are “better”than others…like those who are your friend when you aren’t doing as well asthey are…but when you are in a better position in life, they flee from yourvery presence. Uh oh!

Here we go...ready? Ok.

Have you ever had a friend whom you looked up to, one thatyou had always admired…because, you know…they had it all together… and in manyways you wanted to emulate them? Youlooked at their life and it seemed so much better than yours at the time. Perhaps you never told them, but trust me…theyknew. It was always this “unspoken”thing between you….but the roles each of you had in the life of the other werealways defined…yet unspoken. Someone wasthe leader…and someone was the follower (who wanted to believe that they wereleading…as most followers do). Yourfriend fed off of your insecurities, and they “filled” a void in your own life…avoid that YOU unknowingly created for yourself, and likewise the reverse isalso true.

But at some point…just at the point in your life where youseemed to be moving forward and “getting things together”…something changesbetween you two. You don’t talk asfrequently....daily conversations become weekly…monthly…until calls between youtwo are altogether replaced by Facebook messages. “Hey girl, what’s up…where you been hiding?” Is the message you’ll get, but it translatesinto: “You’ve been out of your lane too long…you need to get back in it…what, youthink you’re all that now?”

It’s like, you can’t put your finger on it, but you werehoping that they would be happy for you….I mean…now that you two are more “equal”…andthey were happy for you…at least verbally.

Ah..but wewill know them by their fruits…their actions. For some strange reason, the better your life “seems” to be going, theless you seem to talk to them. Whochanged? Do you think they changed? What about you…did you not change?

Everyone is in our lives for a purpose, a reason, even ifthat true reason is covered up by the insecurities of all involved. How you think of yourself, and specificallyin terms of NEED, creates voids in your life. People are drawn into our lives, by US, to fill voids we create forourselves. You can SAY whatever youwant, but what you THINK is at the source of ALL speech. Because your thoughts are controlled by yourbeliefs. What you believe about yourselfdetermines what and how you think. Ifyou think you are incomplete as a person, or that something is wrong with you,you will see any and everything as a potential suitor to fill that void…to giveyou what you think you lack. Not sure? Skeptical about this? That’s ok…I don’t mind. But test this out for yourself, as youshouldn’t just take my word for it. Lookaround you…not with just your eyes, but with your heart…with your spiritualeyes. Those are the eyes that see truth,and aren’t blinded by the falsehoods we tend to use to make ourselves FEELbetter about the people we associate with and why those people and things are really in our lives.

Look at your friends. Think about where you were when they came into your life. How were you feeling about yourself? What was your situation? Did any of these friends get missing whenyour situation changed? Whether for “good”or for “bad”? When you were happy…didthey disappear? When you were sad…werethey there to “console” you? Were they really consoling you…or did you make them feel BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES….reallythink about that.

Marinate. Marinate. Marinate. Good. Ok...let's continue....

But no matter what the reason, we are responsible andculpable for whom we draw into our lives. It’s not your friend’s fault…we practically begged them to fill our void…ofcourse we never used those words. Andthis doesn’t mean that you are not friends, or that you shouldn’t befriends. But if you’re happy…and theyare gone…then you know why…and that’s all the better. If you are not happy with yourself…don’tworry about changing your friends…they will evaporate like the tears we onceshed in our sadness...once you begin to love yourself as you should. When we love unconditionally, we never haveto feel used. When relationships areconditional….being used is the name of the game.

--Dame

www.damemalone.com

Are YOU that somebody?

2011-10-05T09:36:00.002-04:00

We project to others, what we really think of ourselves in our heart of hearts. Our self image is the strongest spirit that we carry, and we carry it wherever we go.   What you think of yourself, your mental self-image, is the part of you that you that often goes unnoticed, as we all tend to operate within our self-image, and depending on what that self-image is, or rather the degree that we are happy with our own self image, determines how often, if at all, we evaluate it.

Your self-image, some may call the "ego", determines what you think, how you think, what you say, and what you do. Its prominent in social situations, or when we are alone. It never leaves, as we tend to cling to it, as if though it was the very basis of the reality in which we live.   Our self-image, also determines how others approach us and the type of treatment we are receiving from others.

I speak with so many individuals, male and female, concerning a very important item within their lives...relationships. A common theme or question that I receive, mostly from my female friends, is, "why can I not find that special someone, who has 'X' qualities and treats me like 'X'?"

A very valid question, yet the question is very telling when I hear it being asked. The fact that the question itself is being asked, gives me most of the clues I need in order to uncover the reason "this situation" actually "exists".

Whether you are a man or woman, perhaps you've asked this question yourself from time to time. Why can I not find that special someone? Or a question to that effect. We've all asked it...pondered it...more intensely when we've seen our friends in seemingly "near perfect" relationships. Perhaps a good friend of yours, or even a family member is involved in a relationship with a wonderful mate, and the happiness glows from their very being when they talk about their "significant other"....and although, you are happy for your friend or loved one, you cannot help but to be somewhat inquisitive about the reasons for your lack of happiness in your own relationship(s)....at least at this point in your life.

But we are going to begin to break that stronghold right now!

So how do I answer this very basic and common of questions concerning relationships, in my coaching experience? Well, I tend to answer this question with one of my own....

And its this question, that I feel is more important than the original question of "why can I not seem to find that special someone?" or even "when will I finally meet someone who has X,Y and Z, and is perfect for me?"

This question that I am about to ask isn't more important because I'm asking it, rather, its more important because of how it is answered, and even more importantly, the confidence by which it is answered by YOU.

Ready?   Here is the question in response to "why can I not seem to meet that special somebody?" ":

ARE YOU THAT SPECIAL SOMEBODY?

Allow me to explain a bit. Assuming that you do know, as far as relationships go, what you are actually looking for in a mate (even if you don't this will still help), then picture certain aspects of that person and ask yourself, "am I the type of guy/girl that a person like this would love to be in a relationship with?" "I want that special somebody, but am I that somebody for them?"

Are you the woman/man that your perfect match would date? Honestly? At the risk of ruffling a few feathers, allow me to respond, thusly....no, you are not! Ruffled? Its ok..I don't mind. :-)

But the reason I can answer "no you are not", is because of the original question, "Why can't I...." It's not because there may be something "wrong" with you, or that you aren't doing the right things...its not because you aren't attractive, smart, a great lover, nurturer, or a wonderful cook. You are not that special somebody for your special somebody, because you essentially stated that you were not, if you began your question with, "why can't I..."

We have to always be mindful of our choice of words...not only those words that we speak, but just as important, those that we allow to flow through our minds!

"Why" is a very assumptive word at its basis. The word "why" followed by "can't" (an "inability" word) builds an assumption that our minds subconsciously accept as truth....that there is something inherent within you that precludes you from having a relationship with the person the likes of which you described. By asking "why, can't" or "why can I not", you are essentially saying and have accepted and believe about yourself,... that there IS something wrong with you...whether you realize it or not. But in actually there is nothing wrong with YOU, but there may be something very wrong about how you think about this...and it is driving your "special someone" AWAY from you!

Ask yourself this question, if you will...

Is the way that I think of myself, the words I tend to use when thinking of myself, and about what I want out of life, my actions, my overall positivity or negativity, my optimism or pessimism concerning who I am, and who I truly deserve to have in my life...are all of these aspects of me, attracting or repelling that "special man/woman"?

In other words, "am I that special lady for that special man?" "Am I the lady that this man would want in his life?" "What would I be to him?" "What would I be able to give him?" "What kind of woman would I be for him?" Is not a man such as this equally as concerned about what he is receiving from me, as well as what I receive from him?" "Wouldn't he know more about what I want from him, if I showed him by giving that very thing to him?" "Am I ready to do that?" If you have a problem answering these questions, then its possible that you aren't as sure about what you want as you thought you were.

The wonderful and fulfilling experience that "we" will have in a relationship, will be a combination of YOUR experience from me and MY experience from you. For this to be possible, I have to think as much about the wonderful experience that my mate receives from being with me, as I am about receiving a wonderful experience from them. In other words...I have to BE that which I desire.

Its been often stated that what we think of will "draw" more of that thing into our lives. But I believe that what we think of, we just tend to focus on more intensely...which in turn, causes us to recognize more of the thing, its signs and clues, much more readily than we would normally. And it is this fact that gives the appearance that we are drawing more of this thing into our lives. Now, I'm not saying that our thoughts don't draw things into our lives, I'm merely stating that its more true that our thoughts draw in our FOCUS, and it is our focus that determines what our experience will be, and what we see in front of us. To realize this is to realize that you can never allow yourself to be pessimistic about anything.

Everything exists already. Everything you want in life...the moment you allowed or dared yourself to imagine it...exists right now.

Our thoughts and words have so much power in our lives, and the lives of others. So perhaps instead of "why can't I find that special somebody?", the question you should ask yourself is "what can I do to be more ready for this wonderful person in my life?"

Your perfect match...is what you are matching with...perfectly. And what you think of yourself, determines what you project from your very being...and is what you will constantly see...good or bad.

Stay tuned for Part 2, when I give you the 3 things you can do right now to begin speaking a better life into existence!

Thanks for sharing this with those that could use some encouragement!

As always, I am available for one-on-one sessions. I encourage you to schedule yours today....just click Schedule a Session with Dame, or email me at mycoach@damemalone.com!

There are too many of them...its now time to CALL THEM OUT BY NAME!

2011-09-14T13:21:00.001-04:00

As a life coach, I have plenty of conversations with individuals about their dreams, goals and aspirations. There is very little that I enjoy more than hearing one of my clients talk about what they want out of life, and what they want to accomplish in their lifetime. Its wonderful to see how their mood lifts while they are discussing their aspirations, and since I'm very sensitive to it, how their vocal inflections change. However, as is often the case in these conversations with my friends (I really don't like to refer to them as "clients"...I feel its too clinical a term for the type of partnership we have), we will reach a part of the discussion concerning their goals, that can be described as a "roadblock" to achieving them. Its that "thing", sometimes easily identified..sometimes not so easy (which is where I come in), that has kept my friend's dreams and aspirations from becoming reality in their life now.
We all have, have had, or will have that "thing", as it comes in many different forms, and seemingly at the worst possible times, to throw us off the track to our dreams. This "thing" knows our weaknesses, what we are lacking in our abilities or in our education....it knows the life circumstances that have led to our perceived failures in life which many of us see as the source of our perceived failure in meeting our highest goals.

Again, that "thing" comes in many different forms...past mistakes/failures, life circumstances, family/friends, lack of support/education, teenage pregnancy, undesireable location, age (too old...to young), health problems, bad habits, past drug abuse, criminal record, abusive spouse, bad relationships, lack of mentorship, lack of time, lack of motivation...the list goes on and on. Perhaps you are personally familiar with how these "things" can have a debilitating effect on your dreams and goals, as they entered your life at one point or another, or perhaps you are dealing with some, several, many or even ALL of these "things" right now. And if you've been able to identify these "things" as roadblocks to your success, then you have taken the first step in removing them as a roadblock. But as I'm sure you are aware, identifying the "thing" and not allowing that "thing" to hinder your progress are entirely different entities altogether. And as is the case with many "things" in life..."things" aren't always what they appear to be....and the reality is much deeper. Speaking of deeper...

In the gospel of St. Mark, chapter 5, Jesus and his disciples met a man who was possessed by demons and had been living amongst the tombs in the area. Many previous attempts had been made by the townspeople to restrain this wild man with ropes and chains, but he would break them ropes and chains every time and was much too powerful for anyone to restrain. In verse 5, the bible says "and always, night and day, in the tombs and in the mountians, he was crying out and cutting himself with stones."

When the demon-possessed man saw Jesus from afar, the bible says that he "ran and worshipped him". Jesus then told the spirt within the man, "Out! Get out of the man!", to which the demon-possessed man replied, "what business do you have with me, Jesus, I swear to God, don't torment me!" Jesus then replied, "Tell me your name!", to which the man said "My name is Legion, for there are many of us inside this man!", and the spirits within the man begged Jesus not to send them into the abyss, but to allow them to enter into some pigs that were nearby. Jesus granted the spirits' request, and they entered into the pigs and caused the pigs to stampede over a cliff and die. Later, the townspeople were shocked to see this man, who had been untamable, inconsolable, distraught, disturbed, in a state of total confusion and self-loathing...and inflicting more suffering on himself by cutting his body with stones, now sitting and speaking normally, dressed in decent clothing.

I've always found this particular story in the bible to be fascinating, as instead of "a" (single) spirit inhabiting an individual...in this case there were many or "Legion". As I've grown older, and within the capacity in which I help people, I find myself constantly reminded of it, and see these many spirits that had possessed the man, as the "things" that seem to possess us.

You see, its never the circumstance, or situation, that is most likely to stand as a roadblock to our true calling in life.   Its not the single parenthood, the dropping out of high-school or college, the abusive relationship, the friends that tend to keep us away from our true purpose, our constant need for the approval of or attention from others, the financial distress that we face, the fear of failure resulting from past missteps....that actually hold us back from our dreams and goals...rather it is the effect that those circumstances have on HOW we think, WHAT we think, WHO we think we are, and WHERE we believe we can go in this life today, that is the "THING" or the LEGION of "things" that we must identify as the true culprit.

The power that any negative event, circumstance, situation, occurence, or influence has on us and our ability to achieve our highest purpose in life, is directly proportional to the power we give to it...or them.

Whatever power we have given the "thing" to have authority over our state of mind, actually ends up becoming the SPIRIT that dwells within us, and they can be MANY...a LEGION!
Those spirits, that LEGION has been entrenched within many of us for so long. Having us living amongst the tombs....where the bodies of our people are found shot by senseless gang violence, but LEGION speaks and says "Stop Sniching"..."don't tell the police...handle it in the tombs".
Those spirits, that LEGION, has crack infecting our communities with such devastating force as to cause those within its grips to neglect their children, steal for it...kill for it...destroying relationships and even hope itself, and even while within the very throws of genocide, many of our children see the enemy, the one who distributes this deadly substance into our communities, the crack dealer, as someone to be cheered, especially when they make a rap album glorifying crack dealing. And many of those young people and even adults, will buy the albums and support that which destroys them. LEGION says, "cut your body with ROCKS (crack)".

Many times when you try to tell some of those young people about the devastating effects and hypnotic suggestion in some of those rap lyrics glorifying crack-dealing and violence against one another, they'll tell you, "its just music...keeping it real...its just how it is in the hood (tombs)".   LEGION says, "what do you want with me....don't torment me!" But its not our children that are evil, its the spirit...or better yet....LEGION of spirits that have free reign to enter into the STATE-OF-MIND of our children and have them speaking horribly to each other as well as to adults, harming themselves and other, rejecting what would be common-sense, unrestrainable, disturbed, and in the midst of self-loathing and low self-esteem, sagging their pants as if that were normal dress. LEGION. But after Jesus had healed the man, he was found "speaking normally and dressed in decent clothing."

Its time that we call things for what they are. Or better yet...CALL THEM OUT!

What spirits have taken refuge within your mind? What have they told you about yourself? Do they speak to you and tell you to believe in yourself...that you can do anything....ALL THINGS...to believe in the power within you that is greater than any power outside of you? Or is it reminding you of past mistakes, past missteps, what you lack, why you aren't good enough, why achieving your highest purpose is for others....not for you?
Does that spirit that speaks inside of you, uplift you? Or does it cause you to harm your own body (internally or externally)? When someone who cares for you, tries to tell you about what is happening to you, does the spirit inside of you tell you to tell them "What business is it of yours? Mind your own business! Don't bother me with all of that love, faith and spirit stuff!" Does it make you turn away from what you KNOW is true...is best..is your purpose?
Listen to your thoughts as if you were a 3rd party observer and identify those that are damaging you. What you hear yourself think, when you are actually monitoring the thoughts, can be enlightening...and if you begin to speak those thoughts that you identify as contrary to your true purpose, OUT OF YOUR MIND and cast them away, you will then find your purpose was right in front of you all along.
But many times its hard to do...because we try to do it all on our own. But don't go into this battle by yourself...because its just one of you....but your thoughts are MANY!
Be Healed, Be Blessed, Be Your Purpose!
Dame

Your Personal WHY

2011-06-02T02:05:00.000-04:00

Without a strong foundation any building is bound to fail. When I consider what it means to have a strong foundation, my mind tends to go to the Pyramids in Egypt. We’ve all seen those huge majestic structures (even if only on television) that have stood the test of time...thousands of years of time. It took a lot of people and a plenty of blood, sweat and tears, to build those pyramids. The largest one of course is the Great Pyramid of Giza. It was built over 4500 years ago, as a tomb for one of the Pharos, Khufu. It took about 14 to 20 years to build the Great Pyramid, but scientists to this day still aren’t 100% sure how the ancient Egyptians were able to do it.

The Great Pyramid of Giza

How did these people, over 4500 years ago, have the technology and the willpower to move 2.3 million individual stones weighing between 25 and 80 tons each, in order to build this incredible structure? How did they bring some of those perfectly crafted stones from over 500 miles away? There are 4 sides to the Great Pyramid, and each side is about 750 feet in length, which is more than 2 football fields, and the sides are so accurate in relation to each other that the difference in the length of each side is only about 58 millimeters. How were they able to be that accurate, moving stones so heavy, that fit so perfectly together, that there is only about a half a millimeter gap between them (about 1/50^th of an inch)?

How were these incredible structures able to stand the test of time (and the elements) for over 4500 years?

But how, isn’t the most important question. The most important question is WHY?

Why would so many people suffer so long, under such brutal conditions, build this tomb for the Pharaoh? The Pharaohs of Egypt were very, very powerful individuals back then...as they were basically looked upon as gods by the people of Egypt...and it was so important that the Pharaoh had a safe journey in the afterlife...journey that would last for eternity...that nothing...no time...no wind....no heat...no blood, no sweat, nor tears, would stop them from accomplishing this goal.

Its chilling to think about what that means...to have a purpose so strong...to be willing to do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes...through pain and suffering...to make one’s vision a reality.

Everything that you build, everything that you create, began as a vision in your mind, and from that vision it became part of your physical reality. But where is the foundation of your building, of your creation? Is it the vision..the dream...the idea?

We think of a foundation as the base of something that has been constructed. The larger the construction...the building...the creation...the deeper and more secure the foundation must be. And just like the Great Pyramid of Giza, or any building, or any creation for that matter, the true foundation isn’t measured in length or width. It’s measured in DEPTH...but not in feet or meters...but in the DEPTH OF THE WHY.

We are all trying to build something. Most of us are trying to build a successful future, some a trying to build wealth, some fame, some a successful career in their field of endeavor...some aspire to be doctors, architects, graphic designers, authors, teachers, bakers, hair stylists. Many of these businesses or careers require many years of school and training, many long nights and tough days, some disappointments, some pain, some struggle, some doubt, some fear, some blood, some sweat, and yes, some tears. You take in information about your craft, you go to seminars, you read books on your craft, you watch videos, you get around people that are doing what you want to be doing...but you do this...all of this...because you have a strong foundation. And that foundation is your WHY!

Why is the foundation of every vision, every goal, every idea, and every creation. Why do I want to make do this? What is my purpose? Why do I want to be a doctor? Do I want to be a doctor because I’ve been told they make a lot of money? Why do I want to own a hair salon? Is it because I really enjoy hair styling, or because I just know HOW to do it and I might as well? Why do I work here...do I really enjoy doing this every day? Or am I here because I don’t have a better alternative for what I want to be doing with my life? Am I here, because I want to be, or because I’m afraid of not being here?

Your WHY is personal. It’s for YOU. Because your WHY, is your foundation for what you are building in your life. It’s the foundation for everything you do...because there is a purpose to everything you do...whether you are consciously aware of that purpose or not.

But just as all foundations aren’t built the same...and every building that is built isn’t necessarily sitting on a strong one...the same is true for YOUR foundation...YOUR why. A building that is on a weak foundation is susceptible to the wind, the rain, the elements...it buckles under the blood, sweat and tears of its creation and can crash to the ground before it ever becomes tall and majestic...or perhaps the building is sitting on a soggy foundation...so the building never gets beyond the planning stage...and it becomes what COULD have been built...what MIGHT have been built...what SHOULD have been created...and no one would ever know...except the builder...the creator.

Imagine if those pyramids in Egypt were never there...were never built...just sand dunes and nothingness for as far as the eye can see. Never missed...because you cannot miss something that has never been experienced, never created.

Or imagine if those pyramids were not built with such a strong foundation....without such a deep and powerful purpose to the builder. Perhaps the stones would not be so perfectly carved...and it wouldn’t matter that they fit so closely together....if the purpose was weak...then maybe the ancient Egyptians don’t travel 500 miles just to get the perfect type of stone for the Pharaoh’s chamber....the stones they already had would do just fine. So over 100 years, the wind and sand eroded the pyramid to a pile of gravel....with just some of the physical foundation remaining. “I wonder what they were trying to do here”, we would say 4400 years later, “...would have been a pretty big building...if they had only finished it....”

The strength of your resolve, of your will, of your effort, of your perseverance to make the vision you have for your life a reality is only as strong as its foundation...your personal WHY. Your purpose.

So, what is your WHY? Your purpose for what you want out of life. Do you want to help people? Do you want your name to be remembered? Do you want build something that will be an example for others...for yourself? Do you want to be rich? Do you want fame? Is your purpose materialistic? Is it monetary only? What are you giving? Are you providing opportunities for others? Are you building something for your children to carry on? Are you helping your community? What is it that makes you do this? Think about it, do you have a why?

We all know plenty of people...(really..too many) who’s sole purpose for creating something is only to make money...and they haven't considered it beyond that. Their purpose is to have more than someone else...so they can have more stuff than someone else...as to show and talk about it to EVERYONE else. There is nothing wrong with making money...we all need money (at least right now, more on that in another post), but money is only a tool...it isn’t a purpose....it isn’t a why. And if an person’s WHY is only to have more of something than someone else, then their foundation is a weak one, as they will step on, deceive, and manipulate anyone and everything to get ahead, and when they find themselves where they thought they wanted to be...they find themselves there alone...with a crowd....always looking over their shoulder, afraid that someone will take away their beloved stuff.

We all know that money comes and goes, like the wind. So if your foundation is only money, it will crumble and fall WITH THE WIND.

A building in China...it was not on a strong foundation.

But your WHY has to be so strong, that nothing can tear it down. Your WHY has to be so wide that the wind, rain and floods can’t wash it away. A WHY so long that the blood, sweat and tears of the journey can’t erode it. So deep, that people around you will wonder...like they are still wondering with those pyramids...HOW was she, a single parent with 3 kids, able to be successful after going through so much turmoil, with no help from her child’s father, wondering how she was going to pay the rent...but kept going and her book is number one on the NY Times Best Seller list.

Matthew 7:25... The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.

I just want to encourage you today, that your personal WHY...your personal foundation...is what will give you the motivation, when times get tough and you want to quit...when they don’t return your phone calls....when they don’t show up for the seminars...when they stand you up...when the books don’t fly off the shelves...your why will keep you pressing through any recession, even a double dip....because your why is deeper.

And your why is what will keep you building...when the task seems too much, too difficult, too stressful to complete. Your why will make you get up when you don’t feel like getting up. Your why will make you knock on that next door, when the last 20 have been slammed in your face.

But your WHY has to be strong enough, wide enough, deep enough. Its your why...your purpose...and no one else can judge your why, or tell you your purpose isn't strong enough...isn't good enough...that's something YOU determine. Is your why strong enough to keep you going...or too weak to ever start...or finish?

Finish what you started, just keep in mind why you started in the first place.

Dame

Keep your MIND on your MIND and then on the MONEY.

2011-04-09T18:15:00.000-04:00

I work with individuals all the time that are constantly going through some form of financial difficulty. Now, the term “financial difficulty” is a very broad one, and is subjective, as it depends at least partially on the individual’s personal experience and circumstances as they relate to finances. But these individuals I speak of are not in poverty. They are employed, some earn more than others, some substantially more, yet they all find themselves in a very common scenario. When I’m coaching or speaking to these individuals, and we begin to dive deeply into the source of what they perceive as their financial difficulty, I find out some interesting things...many things that have little to do with how much money they make....but how much they spend...and more importantly WHY they spend.

We all spend based on emotion. There is always some emotional connection to the things we purchase. We may justify our spending habits in many different ways, but it doesn’t negate the fact that if you own a wristwatch that cost you more than $10, you made an emotional purchase, as $10 watches tell time every bit as good as a $10 one. This isn’t to say that their is anything wrong with owning a $1000 watch (I happen to own one myself...gotta find that thing lol) however, I am merely pointing out the connections or associations of our spending habits to our emotions, and how those associations are the root cause of many financial issues arising in people’s lives.

So when I’m speaking to a person going through “money problems”, I have to first realize that the individual I am speaking with may have a completely different perspective on needs versus wants as it relates to their spending, and if I am not careful, I can easily place that individual on the defensive, as they feel they have to give me a valid reason for their specific purchases over the last few months, or years, and sometimes this can be an embarrassing prospect for people. In the back of their minds, they know that they have made some irrational financial decisions, but I try to assure them that my goal is not to judge them or their previous financial decisions...I merely want to understand the source of their buying patterns, and better understand the emotional state associated with my client’s spending habits.

As I mentioned before, spending habits are emotionally driven, and getting to the cause of the emotions associated with spending, helps an individual not only see how their decision making in many areas of their life has resulted in their current financial situation, but more importantly, we can begin to take the steps necessary to get out of that situation. However, if an individual does not deal with the WHY behind their habits, they will always be susceptible to them, and will find themselves repeating the same pattern....and will often say to themselves...”why does this keep happening to me?”

I don’t want to go through any sort of needs vs. wants analysis, budget creation, net-worth, or credit analysis discussion here. I’m not a financial advisor or consultant...at least not by trade. So you won’t see any of that here. There are plenty of websites, books, training programs, or financial consultants that can help you with financial planning, just like there are plenty weight-loss solutions and diets that can help a person lose weight. However, similar to how most individuals who suffer from the diet “yo-yo syndrome” where they lose weight and keep gaining it back, if an individual does not deal with the root-cause of their spending habits, they are going to find themselves in a constant struggle of keeping their head above water in regards to their money.

Below are some steps anyone can take to begin to
break the cycle of ever increasing debt and insufficient savings that tend to arise from illogical spending habits. Keep in mind, that what makes anything “illogical” is relative to a particular goal, and that I am not considering the person themselves to be “illogical” in any sense. In other words, it’s not the person, its the decisions they make that have the impact on the situation in which they find themselves.

1. Commit to being HONEST and TRUTHFUL with yourself about your spending habits.

There is a saying that you can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time. But you can also fool yourself ALL of the time. Don’t let this be you! Being honest and truthful with ourselves includes the process of stripping away the justifications we tend to place on our habits and how those “self-created” justifications block our ability to think rationally about why we do what we do. In other words, don’t lie to yourself. Self-discovery begins with an honest assessment of YOU. Don’t judge yourself or your actions...just observe...impartially. If you have a habit of making poor financial choices, you must acknowledge and accept this fact first, before you can begin to change those habits.

2. Take a “Guilty until proven Innocent” approach to your spending habits.

Look at all of your expenditures over that past 3-6 months. Most banks have online banking, which allows you to easily track where you’ve used your Check/ATM Card and for how much. If you are one of the people who primarily withdraw cash from the ATM, you may not recall where you spent that cash 3 months ago, so just try to think of as many areas as possible where you have spent cash, and ask yourself how often over the past 3 months have you spent cash for that particular purpose. Now, next to each item, write down the purpose for that expenditure.

Then ask yourself 4 questions relative to EACH item: “Why did I spend this amount of money on this particular item? “, next, “How important is this item to me and why?” then, “What would have happened if I did not spend this amount of money on this item?” and finally, “What would have been better uses for this money?”

You may find that by asking yourself these questions, you will come to some interesting understandings of your particular spending habits, and more importantly why you have those habits. However, it is important that you approach your expenditures from a guilty until proven innocent perspective, that is, don’t take for granted that ANY expenditure is a necessary one. Of course, many will be, but it has to PROVE its validity to you first. It is unnecessary until proven necessary.

For example, you may come to your mortgage payment on your list, and you will ask yourself, “Why did I spend this amount of money on this particular item?” A good answer would be: “Because I have a mortgage, and I always pay my monthly mortgage in full and on time.”

The next question would be: “How important is this item to me and why?” Answer: “This mortgage is important to me, because I want to keep my home.” Pretty important right? Good. So the next question is: “What would have happened if I did not spend this amount of money on this item?” Easy answer: “I risk losing my home” Ok, and “What would have been better uses for this money?” Answer: “None.”

Pretty simple, right? But notice your answers to those questions, when you come across other expenditures. Let’s say you bought a new outfit, doesn’t matter how much you spent on it, now ask yourself the questions.

Question: “Why did I spend this amount of money on this particular item?”

Answer: “Because I wanted a new outfit for homecoming.”

Question: “How important is this item to me and why?”

Answer: “It’s somewhat important to me, because I want to be dressed nicely for homecoming.”

Question: “What would have happened if I did not spend this money on this item?”

Answer: “I would have worn something I already had to homecoming.”

Question: “What would have been better uses for this money?”

Answer: “Paying on a credit card balance, saving it, maintenance on my vehicle, etc.”

The challenge with the last question is to list as MANY alternatives to that expenditure as you can come up with.

Again, the goal here is not to judge your spending habits, or to judge yourself because of them, the goal is to understand your personal reasoning and justification for these spending habits. This exercise allows you to identify any patterns of behavior that are contrary to your financial goals.

3. Begin to implement some of your stated spending alternatives.

When you’ve finished steps 1 and 2, you should have a pretty good list of alternatives to a few, several, many or most of your expenditures. Now, it is a good idea to implement at least ONE of the alternatives you identified when making a future choice about that type of expenditure. So next time, do one of the “better” spending alternatives, and then next week another, then another...keep making better decisions. Be proud of yourself for making those better choices. Taking a progressive step in a positive direction, leads to more progressive steps in that direction.

If you want your financial situation to change, you must change your mind, and when you’ve changed your mind, your actions will follow. If your actions have not followed, then you have NOT changed your mind. Our minds are a tool, to help us solve problems, and achieve goals. If you find this exercise quite challenging to implement, then take some time to consider your financial goals versus your materialistic goals, as they relate to how you think of them. Which feels stronger to you? What you can see in your bank account, or what you can see around you? Be honest with yourself. What do you think about more...what you can see that you’ve purchased, or what you see in your bank account? Get to the source of what you are facing financially. Don’t give up. Ask yourself, “ why are certain material items important to me?” Don’t just accept the status-quo as who you are and what you will always do. You are what you decide you are! It’s your decision.

You can change anything you want, even long-standing financial difficulties, but you have to know that it is YOUR choice and YOUR decision.

Dame

What are you looking for?

2011-01-27T16:42:00.000-05:00

The Love of Freedom...is the LOVE of LOVE. (To the memory of Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.)

2011-01-17T12:31:00.001-05:00

What is sacrifice? To me, its a word that describes the actions that demonstrate the highest level of love. This level of selfless love...love in its purest form, is truly a rarity...yet it is unmistakable when its shining example is seen by outside eyes. We've seen these glowing examples of sacrifice throughout our country's history. Those examples of individuals who made it their primary cause in life, to uplift others, to right what was wrong....in spite of everything they know...in spite of the dangers, toils, snares that stare them straight in the eye. Their love for their fellow man...for their people....for those who choked under the foot of oppression...causes them to not idly stand by because its "not my problem".

Within those rare individuals, is the kind of love, a heroic love, that causes that person to set their own personal needs, wants, and desires, aside...for when their brother hurts...when their brother is in pain, then they themselves are hurt...they themselves feel pain. This kind of sacrificial love, transcends all understanding, for it goes where others dare not go...it does what others dare not do...it takes the charge of what is right, just and moral...and turns that charge into...purpose. For the strength of one's purpose, determines the strength of one's will. The will to overcome, regardless of circumstance, and with no regard to personal gain or loss, requires a purpose just as strong, just as deep, just as determined, in order to fuel the fire that burns through all selfishness, all fear, all paralysis, all iniquity...all the reasons why we would say..."its impossible"..."its always been this way, so it will always be this way"...."we are not strong enough to fight"...."its not that bad, we can deal with being oppressed". NO...this purpose is the fuel that burns the WILL inside to OVERCOME, in spite of all the reasons to sit idly by, and just "allow".

It is this burning purpose, that causes one to get up when they don't FEEL like getting up, to get up again and stand when you've been beaten down so many times before. To continue to march forward, when they have billyclubs in their hands ahead of you--and they've been looking for a reason to use them.

Purpose causes one to lead a people down a particular path, when you know they will suffer for following you on it. Purpose causes you to walk forward, when you know they will trample you...to sit down at the table, when you know they won't serve you.

And yes, purpose causes you to love them...when you know they hate you.

To understand sacrifice, is to understand love...for love IS sacrifice. Such love, such sacrifice, such purpose, and such will, is deserving of the highest honor and respect from all men.

I honor and respect not only the memory of Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., his selfless leadership, his strength and his courage, but I also honor and respect the LOVE he had in his heart to fight for change. Not only for someone like me and others that now bask in the freedom resulting from his struggle and the struggle of others in the 60s...but the LOVE he had in his heart to do it the right way.

I am still in awe and honor, of the love required, in order to be non-violent when given every reason by another to be justified in violent retaliation.
For it requires an uncommon love, a powerful love, to forgo the justified and self-preserving need to fight back...with at least fists and sticks...when those that hate you attack with guns...dogs...rope...clubs...unjust laws...fear...intimidation...firebombing...murder....everything they have. I respect the sacrifice of one's self, the whole self..their body, piece of mind, dignity, and spirit...to remain non-violent and not succumb to the instinctual nature to "return fire", especially when self-preservation is the first law of nature, and when examples of violent retaliation are sowed even in the very fabric of this great nation.

Such a personal sacrifice...from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and those who stood with him during one of the most trying times of our nation's history...the civil rights' movement, requires, no, it DEMANDS the honor and respect of all those who consider themselves Americans!

Anyone who calls themselves, an American, and truly understands the fundamental basis of what it means to be "an American", and the heroic struggle required to be able to call ourselves...FREE...must have a solemn place in their heart, of honor and respect, for those that paved the way for this freedom that we continuously struggle to perfect...and preserve.

Just as perfect love, chases away all fear...and hate, freedom chases away all oppression, for the two cannot occupy the same space at the same time.

There is no such thing as freedom unless ALL are free.

In this country, greed, materialism, and rampant racism, sexism, and classism, has been allowed to "warp" the concept of what it is to be an American. These devious spirits have caused the "pursuit of happiness" to mean "only happy when I have it first...then they can pursue it". The same spirit that causes some to forget that the right for ALL to vote in this country, has only existed for a little over 40 years. This un-American spirit, causes some to disregard 400 years of slavery and oppression, and think everything is actually "equal" now. A spirit of "privilege", that disregards the fact that racism is still alive and well in this country, and causes people to say they want prosperity for all, as long as their tax dollars aren't helping to make it possible. No, this isn't an American spirit, neither is it a spirit of freedom.

And there is no freedom where there is not love....for perfect love makes us ALL free. We say that we "love freedom", but we must realize that we don't love America because we are free, we are free in America, because we LOVE. And when we understand love...truly understand it at its fundamental source, the better then, we understand freedom...as freedom is just a word, just like love...it is what is does.

So I honor the memory of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and what he stood for...what his life stood for...loving your neighbor as yourself. By his example, his sacrifice, he did much more than help get a piece of legislation passed....he did more than spend countless nights in jail...more than just speak words so eloquent that we repeat them nearly 50 years later...more than just march for freedom, justice and equality...he showed a downtrodden people that they were much more than what their circumstances led them to believe...he showed a people how to LOVE THEMSELVES....in a way that was so uncommon, yet profound in its results.

He helped instill a love inside of people that organized dozens into hundreds...hundreds into thousands...to do what was uncommon...to trod a path of danger, unashamed....to believe in something greater than themselves....to believe in love...for love is freedom. And to know freedom is to know it inside of yourself first...and when you know it inside...you want all to feel that incredible feeling...and you will sacrifice yourself...so that freedom and love stands victorious over hate.

I thank you, Dr. King, and I honor your memory, by spreading love to my fellow man....ALL MEN. To make LOVE the measuring stick for what is good, right, just and moral in our country and abroad. I thank you for raising the consciousness of a people, and for making the ULTIMATE sacrifice.

Your memory is more than a date on a calendar, a march, a prayer breakfast, or a celebration of your memory. For your memory means sacrifice...and to honor your memory means to love sacrificially, and to love others as I love myself...to love when its not convenient and to be an example of this love to all people, all races, and all backgrounds. For love chases away all hate...all fear...all stereotypes...all separation...all misunderstandings...and all distrust. Love causes me to want for all people...what I want for myself. Freedom.

Freedom for all for LOVE makes it necessary. Thank you Dr. King.

Why "New Year's Resolutions" are doomed to FAIL...and what you can do about it!

2010-12-27T10:07:00.001-05:00

We tend to think about goals and dreams in our life in terms of some future occurrence...or something we need but don't have right now. We use words like "I want to make more money..." or "I need to lose weight.." or "I should have a better relationship with my significant other..." Well, all of those and other things are positive goals...there is nothing wrong with them...not a problem there. But it is the "wanting" part that causes the problem. Its a good thing to want more for your life and to accomplish goals in your life. But "wanting" is insufficient to accomplishing anything. Yes, its natural to "want"...but "wanting" doesn't get you anything. Its just a form of motivation many of us use to spark something within us to accomplish a goal in our lives.

We mus understand, however, that the language we use when we are talking to ourselves about our goals, and how we think of them, largely determines how we will approach those goals we have for our lives. For example, if you have a goal to make more money, or to be more financially independent...and if you always "want" that...by "wanting" it...you are visualizing that thing as something "in the future". You condition yourself, then, to ALWAYS see this as something you hope to have "in the future". And it more often than not...it will CONTINUE to be "in the future".

How do you place a goal in the future, when the "future" does not exist? There is no such thing as the "future" (I know this may sound a bit strange for many of you....but go with me for a moment). There is only NOW. And there has only been NOW....and there will only be NOW. The future is a figment of our imagination...the past is a memory stored in our brains. Neither can be touch, tasted, smelled, seen, or experienced. Is what you experience today...."the future" for what you were experiencing this time last year?   Do you ever wish you could go back and change something...some past occurrence...that caused something negative in your life? Sure...we all have. But such thoughts are mere imagination, as we cannot go backwards or forwards in time, because there is no such thing as TIME. We create time in our minds to help us understand "change". We create "time" to give our brain a reference point...otherwise we'd not be able to function, based on how our mind looks at the world...as having a past...present...and future.

We should not picture any goal as something that's going to happen in the future...rather, we should BECOME that thing that we want RIGHT NOW...and just as important, not use the "past" to determine how, why and if this goal..isn't who and what we are....now.

For instance...if you say to yourself, that you want to lose weight...by saying that, you are picturing yourself as NOT that thing that you want to be...and that makes your mind behave as if you were not that thing you want...and so you end up doing the same things that got you where you are...now....because you don't PICTURE yourself any different from what you see in the mirror...now. Your current situation ends up being your "comfort zone"...and since the mind controls the body, you will wonder why you find yourself in the same position...year after year...making the same new year's resolutions every year...and then making excuses for why those things didn't happen in your life....every year.

Most times those goals didn't happen...because nothing HAPPENED in YOU!

Think about it...if I want to make more money...but I don't change the way I think about money...and my attitude towards it...then what exactly will change to allow me to be something different than I already see myself? Is money going to drop out of the sky? Hmmm.

If you don't look at yourself as a successful person (regardless of your current job or financial situation) right NOW, then what's going to make you do the things that "successful" people do....RIGHT NOW?

We can apply this phenomenon in all aspects of life. If you remember Michael Jordan playing basketball...imagine then if he approached the game like he WASN'T the best player on the court...do you think he would have been as successful in winning 6 NBA titles?

Here's an interesting question...not taking into account his natural gifts, do you think Michael Jordan was the best because he worked hard in practice at being the best or did he work hard in practice because he was the best...and working hard in practice was what the best players did?

O.k., take into account his physical gifts...or any athlete's physical gifts for that matter...is the most physically gifted athlete the one that wins every game? Is the most physically gifted athlete always the best player on the team? If the obvious answer is no, then what is it that determines how well they perform? How much they practice?

If the biggest success factor in sports is how much someone practices...then what causes someone to practice so incessantly? If you don't perform well at a task, yet you continue to practice intensely..are you doing so because you "want" to get better...or are you practicing because you already know you are better and that's what "better" performers do? Someone reading this, needs to read that last part again....because your "breakthrough" is in there. :-)

There is a distinct difference in the results from those two approaches. You are what you think you are, and what you say you are...what you believe you are...and you do those things based on your true beliefs about yourself. You do it every day. Many of us try to fool ourselves, but our actions give us away EVERY TIME! You make a New Year's resolution, and you resolve to doing certain things in this "new year"...and you will "start" when the clock strikes midnight on 1/1/2011. But what you may not realize, is that by the simple act of creating some "I''m going to...I need to...I should..."scenario in your mind...and making that goal that you have for yourself...conditional from "jump street" (not starting until the "New Year"), you are setting yourself up for the same "failure" that countless numbers of people have experienced when creating a "New Year's resolution. You get into the same repetitive mode of projecting EVERYTHING you want for yourself as some future occurrence that will happen "some day"....not realizing that YOU determine the "some day" in your mind NOW. But it never happens for many....because they are always...searching...looking...seeking...wanting...needing...and not having...being...doing...experiencing.

When you visualize yourself (TRULY...not faking it) as having already reached that goal...whatever that goal is in your mind...and get "full of the feeling" of accomplishing that goal...your mind starts to make your body perform in the manner necessary to achieve the goal. You begin to have the commitment to excellence necessary in order to perform the tasks necessary to achieve the goal....you will have new ideas spring forth in your mind about things that you never considered before...but are so obvious, in that NOW.

Not only will doors open that had been closed to you previously...but you will also begin to see doors that you didn't realize were there to begin with...begin to open out of thin air.

But its not magic...its just your perspective changing. How you see yourself....changing. How you picture your reality...changing.

If you want to be "successful".....then BE SUCCESSFUL...think successful...do the things that successful people do...but if your mind is reflecting on your "bad" financial situation...and you see yourself based on your current condition...then ALL you will see around you is bad financial situation...and you will only focus on those things you are conditioned to see...and you won't SEE opportunities all around you that can eliminate that problem....altogether.

Do a quick experiment....look around the room you are in right now....and count the number of objects that have the color "RED" in them...go ahead and do it now...I'll wait....

(hmmm...hmmm..hmmm...)

Got it?   Its okay to count out loud. O.k. Now that you have the number of "red" items in the room in your mind...while looking at this screen and not looking around the room...do you recall how many objects were blue and circular shaped when you first scanned the room? (don't cheat and look around...well its okay if you do...you'll still see the point)

We only "see" what we are "looking for". And what we are "looking for" is largely based on our perspective of the reality around us. Think about missed opportunities in your life...that resulted from you not being in the "right mindset" at the time the opportunity presented itself. Perhaps you didn't know what you really wanted at the time...so you didn't see it as an opportunity for you...or didn't see it at all. Perhaps it didn't "fit" where you were in your life at that time. Whatever the reason...we are only open to what we can SEE ourselves doing or achieving. And what we SEE ourselves doing or achieving is based on how we think of ourselves...how we picture ourselves...how we visualize who we are right now. Not on New Year's Day. Not in the future. Right now.

I can hear someone asking..."I do this...at least I've tried...but why does it seem that my goals take so long to get accomplished...and I don't see the progress..."

I am eager to answer that question....and I will on my next post. Thanks for visiting. I hope this was helpful to someone.

7 Slim-Down Tips to help you shed those extra pounds

2010-12-14T08:00:00.000-05:00

Here are some things you can do right now to begin slimming down (if you feel you need to) those extra holiday pounds (even those that were there before the holidays). Its important to realize that fad diets and "diets" in general, don't work in the long term, as you will find yourself on a constant yo-yo. Break the cycle. Slimming down to a healthier weight, is not hard to do, its merely a matter of consistency and time. Achieving a healthier weight doesn't require HUGE changes in your lifestyle all at once...rather...small incremental changes to your eating and exercising behavior is the best way to go.

So here we go. Seven things you can begin doing right now that will start you on the path toward a healthier weight. Some are things you may have heard before, yet others may be new to you...but they all work.

1. Stop thinking of yourself as "fat", "overweight", "obese", "unattractive", etc. or use ANY negative term to describe yourself...verbally or mentally:

You are what you think about...and you are who you consider yourself to be. Any change in your body, begins with a change in your mental attitude. This is not pseudo-science or some hokey "feel-good" statement. If you tell your mind you are fat...then it operates in that fashion...and you will be controlled by a mind that believes it is "fat". You will do the things that a "fat", "obese", etc., person does...eat like they eat...have a lower self-esteem, and an unhealthy attitude toward food. No need for me to mention how counter-productive this is toward slimming down, right?

Rather, think of yourself at your ideal size. Make that picture of who you want to be, and what you want your body to look like, resonate within your mind...constantly. You can't fake this...your mind will respond to what you REALLY think, so don't picture yourself like what you see in the mirror. Know that the image that you see in the mirror is only hiding what is REALLY underneath. If you find this difficult...then stop looking at your body in the mirror! Easy fix. :-)

2. Stop eating when you are still a little bit hungry:

While eating, it takes some time for your stomach to tell your brain that you are full. During this time, we have a tendency to continue eating...to finish our plate...and end up with this "stuffed", "bloated", feeling. You should NEVER feel stuffed after eating. If you do, you have eaten too much. Eat about 1/3 of what you would normally eat during a meal, and then wait 5 minutes before eating anymore.....DON'T EAT ANOTHER BITE for a full 5 minutes.

Chances are, you won't be hungry anymore...so you can stop....yes...just stop...you're done! If you are still hungry after eating 1/3 of what you normally would, then take a couple of more bites and wait another 5 minutes. But don't associate a "stuffed" feeling with satisfaction. Full is not STUFFED. Full, is not feeling hungry anymore...and it takes our brain a several minutes to recognize this. This is the basis of how you will be able to do tip # 2.

3. Eat more frequently (but smaller meals):

We've heard this one before, and I have to admit, the way I used to eat, eating more frequently only backfired on me! Again, we tend to have a misconception of what FULL really means, and tend to overeat by about 50% during meals. Huge meals should be a no-no...period. Yes, I know its the holiday season, and that doesn't mean you can't enjoy your favorites...however when you consistently get "over-full" while eating, you are telling your training your brain to do this all the time in order to feel satisfied. Eat smaller meals (quite smaller)...about the size of your fist...and don't wait longer than 3 hours to eat something again.   If you wait too long to eat, you are more likely to overeat. Period.

4. Its okay to snack...really...just snack on the GOOD STUFF:

Fruit, a small cup of soup, nuts, etc. Are great snack items of course. Just have SOMETHING every 2-3 hours, that's smaller than your fist...and is not full of sugar...like deserts, chips, fries, chips, etc.

5. Don't deny yourself...you know you want it!:

Here's where I differ from the masses, and what you will hear from nutritionists and diet-experts...I LOVE those White Castle cheeseburgers...that come frozen and you pop in the microwave for a minute...and I eat them all the time. I'll have one as a snack, and I've been doing that for over a year. Notice...I said ONE....well sometimes two, but I look forward to having that cheeseburger..and you should look forward to having something YOU like...instead of forcing yourself to eat stuff you know you don't like all the time. Eating healthier is an incremental process...and you are more likely to eat healthier the majority of the time, when you grow accustomed to it in stages. But don't deny yourself, those simple pleasures...just eat much less of it. I used to take down 6 of those White Castle cheeseburgers in about 5 minutes....very unhealthy. I didn't stop eating them....I just eat far less of them.

I say, its fine to have french fries...yes, they are probably pound for pound one of the most unhealthy things to eat...but if you are eating 5 french fries (yes FIVE...1..2..3..4..5...and that's it)...twice a week....it isn't going to be the end of the world...and you won't feel trapped away from the foods you like...you are just eating much less of those foods. Less and less every month! This goes for sweets too. One tiny chocolate chip cookie is not going to hurt you. Yeah, I said it! So enjoy that tiny (yes, about an inch across) cookie with all of your being....and don't feel guilty about it. This will keep you from binging on sweets later.

6. Drink only water (yes you can put some low-calorie flavoring in it) most of the time (tea is good) but DON'T DRINK SODAS:

Water is more important to our bodies than food. Your body can go weeks without eating...but only a couple of days without water. Plain water is best, (I drink distilled water...I can get two gallons for $2 at Walgreens) but if you are like me...and like some flavor to what you are drinking, you can get those low-calorie flavor packs to add in your water. Try to drink at least a half-gallon of water a day....its easier than you think, just have some water whenever you think about it. Have some handy at all times. Sodas are not good...even "no-calorie" or "diet" sodas. They tend to dehydrate you, and lose their value as "diet" drinks, because they suck the water out of you, and your body responds by holding more water in your fat cells...as it thinks that water is scarce now.   Remember...about a half-gallon a day, at least...spaced evenly throughout the day. You'll feel GREAT!

7. Get at least 30-minutes of exercise every day:

Walking is great, jogging is great, cleaning the house is great, playing with your kids is great, taking the stairs to work is great. You don't have to join a gym to get exercise...you don't even have to feel like you are exercising to....exercise (but you do need to raise your heart-rate...even better if you can break a sweat). Just do more things that require you to not be sitting or standing still. You have to move around all the time. Park your car a little further from the store. Turn on the radio when you get home from work, and practice your favorite dance for a few minutes. I do this all the time with my son...daddy will do a silly dance (and of course my son follows suit)...and we'll jump around and dance for about 20 minutes. Then we may wrestle and play for another 15 minutes or so...yep, got my exercise in. I actually do other things to work out...but my point is...stop trying to make everything a REGIMEN....just MOVE YOUR BODY....that's what its there for!

You don't need workout dvds, gym memberships, aerobic classes, or anything. Don't get me wrong...these things are great...but if you find yourself with a shelf full of dvds, dropping in and out of aerobic classes, going to the gym once a week, then something has to give. Just move around more...period....every time you think about it.

Again, these are just some simple tips to get you on that path toward the body you want. To me, tip #1 is critical, as the other tips will follow from that one...how you think of yourself. When you have a certain self-image, you will act and behave according to that self-image. You ability to remain CONSISTENT with any "lifestyle change" is ultimately the realization that its not a "change" at all...but who you really are...and you control that.

Who you are, or who you consider yourself to be...in large part, determines, what you do, and the choices you make. Be positive when you think of yourself...and have a positive self-image, and positive results will follow. I believe in you...but I need YOU to believe in you. Don't slim down for anyone..or because of anyone, or anything...do it for YOU. Don't try to prove anything to anyone...prove it to YOURSELF first. Its up to you...and that's a good thing!

Dame

P.S. Oh, easy for me to say...well, I'm 71 lbs lighter than I was before. What I talk about and the tips I give isn't medical advice...or meant to be...and isn't intended to replace advice from your doctor. I'm not a doctor or nutritionist, but I do understand how the mind works. And I'm here to tell you...start with your MIND....and the rest will follow.

A Greater Purpose: Your fingers will rebel!

2010-12-07T08:40:00.004-05:00

I tend to call purpose, the “why” in our lives. Your why will determine more than you will ever realize. Your why is the driving force behind your actions, and everything that happens around us. Without why, without purpose, nothing can exist.

We sometimes mistake lack of understanding or knowledge of purpose in our lives and for our lives, to assume that there is none. Or that our purpose is only individualistic, and not connected to any and every other purpose in life. Its common, and part of our nature, for us to dismiss things we do not understand...and only what we can perceive and understand, exists, and nothing else. We are largely oblivious to the overwhelming majority of what happens around us in our day to day lives. We only pay attention to the things that we are consciously aware of, and only assign purpose to those things that affect us directly, perceive them as good or bad in our lives. But, just because we have not identified purpose, doesn’t mean that purpose does not exist. Purpose exists without regard to our intrinsic acknowledgment. Purpose is as much a part of our daily existence, and is just as connected to us, individually, collectively and simultaneously, as your hand is connected to your wrist.

Let’s say that you just made a steaming hot cup of tea. You sit the cup down on the table in front of you, to let it cool down a bit before you begin to enjoy the wonderful collection of flavors within the cup. How long do you let it sit? Perhaps a minute or two…maybe more…maybe less? At some point you will reach toward that cup of tea, after it has cooled to your satisfaction, or even to test and see how much it has cooled….take hold of it, slowly place it toward your lips, and begin to drink.

What just happened? Purpose happened…but in so many ways beyond what we often consider, or can even imagine. In order to take hold of that cup of tea, there were signals that had to be processed by the brain, in order to move your arm, hand, and fingers, to lift the cup toward your lips. Your hand, wrist, upper and lower arm, shoulder, the muscles and nerves within each, along with your brain, had to operate in perfect concert with each other, in order for the seemingly small task of taking a sip of tea to be accomplished. Each part of your body involved in taking a sip of tea, has a unique purpose, and have unique capabilities which correspond to its individual purpose. These purposes had to work together in to achieve the greater purpose.

The purpose of your fingers…which is to grasp items large and small…had to connect with the purpose of your hand…to move your fingers in proper position to grasp the cup…which in turn had to connect with the purpose of your wrist…which is to properly position your hand. All of these body parts are connected to your arm…which properly positions your wrist, in order for the greater purpose of grasping a cup of tea, to be served.

But imagine for a moment, that your fingers had their own brain. Imagine that your fingers could think and act for themselves, separate from the hand and the other parts of the body. I’m sure you can imagine by now the impending disaster such a thing would cause. The simplest tasks, such as taking a sip of hot tea, would become monumentally complex, as each finger decided for itself what it was going to do, and what it was not going to do. Perhaps, as you reached down to take hold of the hot cup of tea, your fingers would say to each other…”hey man…I don’t know what’s going on with hand today, but we are getting pushed toward something really hot!” Focusing only on their self-preservation, and having no eyes, ears, nose or tongue, in which to use their other senses in order to discern the world around them, your fingers only possess the sensation of touch. All your fingers know is that they feel impending danger. They are fearful. Your fingers may say to each other, “we are going to get burned…its getting hotter…we have to save ourselves!” “Quick…fold up!” And just then, as you reach for the cup of tea, you notice your fingers balling themselves up, not allowing you to be able to grasp the cup. This occurrence, no doubt, would be quite perplexing to you, as well as frustrating and somewhat frightening. You would wonder what in the heck was going on…if you were dreaming…or having a stroke. Why are your fingers folding up when you reach for your cup of tea? Did your fingers not understand their purpose?

Well, actually, your fingers did understand their purpose, but not perfectly, because they did not understand your purpose. As far as they know, they are supposed to grasp things that some force that they don’t understand (your brain) tells them. But each finger also feels that they are at the center of the universe…and everything that happens in their specific and separate existence, only has meaning when it has something to do with what they can perceive with their own senses, but only to the degree they understand it’s purpose in THEIR life. The fingers don’t realize this, but they only have one sense…touch. Again, they have no concept of sight, sound, taste, or smell, and no ability to perceive of the world around them using these senses. Each finger is so powerful in its own mind, and it has no concept of how deaf, dumb and blind it really is.

So when your self-actualizing fingers, felt they were in danger from being burned or scorched from the cup of hot tea, they folded up to protect themselves…and now you have to find another way to enjoy your tasty beverage. Your fingers in this case, only understood their particular purpose and nothing else matter besides theirs. They did not understand the greater purpose, and that they were not in danger of being burned, as it did not serve the purpose of the entity that intended to use the fingers to grasp the cup. The fingers did not understand their connection to that higher purpose. To the fingers, there was no greater purpose beyond what they were there to do. What each finger wanted for itself, was all that they could comprehend with their little “finger brain”. The fingers were not aware that you had already noticed that the cup was hot, and had decided to let the cup cool down a bit, or that signals would be sent to your brain, that would let you know if the cup was too hot, before your fingers were scorched. They were indeed oblivious to the provisions that were made for them. Your fingers, in this case, only understood their singularly-focused purpose, and not how their purpose was connected to a greater one. The finger’s purpose of self-preservation, conflicted with your purpose of sipping a healthy cup of hot tea.

The fingers live on the hand, so the hand is like the Earth to them, and they feel that the hand is there to serve their needs only. The fingers rely on the hand for their survival, as all the blood they need to stay warm seems to come from the hand. The nerves that send the fingers electrical impulses that allow them to move and grab items, all come from the hand. However, the fingers don’t truly understand the purpose of this connection with the hand beyond their own existence, or even what's beyond the hand.

Each finger has a different capability and has different characteristics, gifts and talents. Some fingers seem to have more ability than the others, but this is only in relation to the higher purposes they do not understand.

They have a leader, called the index finger, at least it thinks its the leader, appearing to be very brave among the other fingers, and often stands while the others fold up. However, this “finger-leader” is a flawed one, as it is arrogant and haughty, often pointing at the wrong things, when it should remain humble and fold with the rest of the fingers.

Some fingers have more wealth, based on the adornments of gold and diamonds placed upon them. Other fingers complain that gold and diamonds aren’t bestowed upon them, and wonder what the other finger did to deserve such wealth, and why they themselves don’t possess it. And some of these fingers will spend their entire existence, seeking to be adorned with what they see as wealth, and it becomes their ultimate purpose in life. Other fingers, however, are very small, and short in stature, but can perform tasks and serve purposes that are much more difficult for the other fingers.

Meanwhile the longest finger, called the middle-finger, seems to serve no particular purpose to the other fingers, yet, it has seen places that the other fingers can never imagine, and knows it has a purpose of which the other fingers have no concept. The middle finger also seems to have some sort of telepathic ability to communicate to the outside world, while the other fingers think it’s just crazy.

Your fingers, each beautifully crafted and fearfully made, are only useful to you, to the degree each serves YOUR purpose, not their own. They serve you, by submitting themselves to your will, as you are their ultimate protector, guide, and master, and use them for things that they could never understand, but are vital to their existence, as their existence is connected to the purpose of your hand, and your hand to your wrist, and so on. When the fingers became self-serving, they acted in defiance to your purpose for them, and by serving only themselves, they were ultimately harming themselves and each other. Folding up, to protect themselves, but not realizing that they were denying themselves of the nutrients needed to survive. Filled with jealousy, envy, and selfishness, they were too busy fighting with each other, instead of working together, not realizing that they risked being corrected…even cut off from the hand, and replaced with something else that served your purpose.

I hope you can see the similarities when reading this fictional tale about the fingers and their new-found wisdom and understanding, to our everyday lives as human beings. How similar we seem to be to these fingers, as it relates to purpose in our lives. When our purposes are exclusively self-serving, they can never serve the purpose of our Creator. Each of our purposes, our highest purpose, is served when we focus our gifts and talents on others, without seeking gain personally. It is the truest expression of love, agape, and is how the purpose the Creator has for each of us, is served. I am reminded of a verse in Matthew 25:40, The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

When we begin to let go of our sometimes selfish desires, only then do we begin to see our true purpose in life. How each of us is endowed with different gifts and talents, but also, how we are all ONE. When we begin to eliminate our perception and illusion of separation from each other, we see purpose, our individual and collective purpose, in a brand new way, more fulfilling way.

Let go and fulfill your higher purpose. Let go, and gain new perspective. Allow your unique gifts and talents, to be used for the purpose of serving those and that, which you are connected to...by a greater purpose.

Dame

"Create Something Wonderful" Motivational Coaching Webinar

2010-11-09T09:08:00.000-05:00

I would be honored if you could join me this Friday, November 12th from 1 p.m. - 2 p.m. (EST). Its free for the first 20 participants.

During this webinar, you will learn:

How to turn your gifts and talents into independent income and how to start right NOW!
Why you don't need money to start a business
How 'worry' paralyzes your dreams, visions, ideas and goals
How to use your 'worry' to your advantage!
How to focus your mind to stimulate your creativity and ideas

Don't miss this powerful and insightful session! But register quickly, this session is only free for the first 20 participants.

Sell Tickets through Eventbrite

Create Something Wonderful! My Latest Video

2010-10-30T07:57:00.000-04:00

Are your ideas, visions, dreams, URGENT to you? As urgent and necessary as water or air? Are your ideas as vital as your other material desires? Are you giving your ideas an opportunity to flourish, or are they taking a back seat to your day to day responsibilities.

Our minds were made to create things that can be seen, heard, tasted, touched, smelled and experienced. But in most cases our CONSUMPTION (what goes into our minds from media and other sources) far exceeds what is coming out of it...CREATION. And even then, our creativity is limited to what we see in media...and what THEY say is important for society.

We allow media to tell us what we want, what we need, what to buy, where to go, what we like to do for vacation, and most importantly...what to CREATE.

Let's reduce our CONSUMPTION and focus on our ideas and our creativity, and bringing those things that are in our minds into physical reality.

I hope you enjoy the video. And I hope it INSPIRES more CREATIVITY and the incredible capability of our minds.

Just a short experiment. Try this when you have 5 minutes.

2010-10-24T22:20:00.001-04:00

I wrote a post in this blog a while back, asking if we are watching too much television. In that post, I asked my readers, the next time that they were in front of the television, perhaps watching their favorite show, or whatever happened to be on television at the time, to imagine if that television was not there. They would still be sitting on their couch or chair, but instead of watching television, they would be sitting there staring at the wall. I'd like to add a little something to my previous post...a little experiment...that you can conduct on yourself anytime...just to prove to yourself the effect that television has on our mental acuity and creativity, not to mention our suggestibility.

So if you usually watch television for 1 to 2 hours at a time, maybe more or less... imagining the television not being there, you would be sitting there for 1-2 hours at a time, just blankly staring at the wall. Now, in reality, you probably couldn't imagine yourself being able to stare at a wall for 2 hours straight without falling asleep or gnawing your fingers off from the sheer monotony of it...or perhaps if someone saw you staring at a wall for 2 hours, they would perhaps think something was wrong with you. It just wouldn't happen normally. That's just not what normal people do. Is it? I'll come back to that.

But back to our experiment, which should only take about 5 minutes. You will need a single sheet of paper and something to write with. (Even though you can do this experiment without writing anything) The next time you are sitting in front of the television, when you can remember to, for 60 seconds, imagine that the television isn't there....just look at it....but try not to pay any attention to what you see on the screen...try to totally tune it out in your mind as you watch the screen. Listen to it at the same volume and in the same place you normally watch it. But try not to think about anything while you do this. Try to totally clear your mind, and just blankly stare (you can blink, of course) at the television for 60 seconds. After you've looked at the television blankly for 60 seconds, while trying not to think of anything, I'd like you to ask yourself 2 questions and for you to write down your answer to each on a piece of paper.

1. Were you able to totally clear you mind...and not think of ANYTHING while you were watching the television? If not, what were you thinking about...be very honest with yourself here? Write it down.

2. What do you remember seeing on the television screen, or being said during those 60 seconds you were watching it? You don't have to write down every detail and word spoken...just the main idea.

My guess is (like myself when I tried this), that you found it quite difficult to totally clear your mind of any thoughts while you were watching the television...and the thoughts you DID have had SOMETHING to do with what you were seeing and hearing on the screen. And even though you were trying NOT to think of anything during the 60 seconds...thoughts still popped up in your mind. Secondly, you may have been able to write down quite a bit of what you remembered seeing and hearing on the screen while you were watching it, even though you were purposely trying not to think of anything at the time.

But hold on, we're not done. Next, while watching the television, but still trying not to pay attention to what is on it, as if it wasn't there, I'd like for you to think about your dream vacation. Consider every detail of it...the location, is it the Caribbean, Paris, a cruise...what time of the year you would go...what you'd do while there...everything you can think of about this dream vacation, as if you were actually there...but do so while watching the television for 60 seconds. After the 60 seconds is done. Take 30 more seconds and write down on your sheet of paper, all the details of your dream vacation you just thought about while watching the television.

Now, cut the television off....close your eyes, and now begin thinking about that same dream vacation you were thinking about previously. This time, while your eyes are closed and the television off, again, imagine yourself actually there and picture everything about that vacation, with as much detail as you can in 60 seconds. Now, take 30 more seconds and write down the details just as you did before, as many as you can think of, on your sheet of paper.

Did you notice that the pictures in your mind about the dream vacation were much more vivid with the television off and your eyes closed? Did you notice any difference at all? In regards to the description of the dream vacation, and what you wrote down, is there any difference in the detail of what you were able to imagine while watching the television and what you were able to imagine with the television off?

Now, I know some people are probably thinking..."of course I can focus more with the television off...because I'm not distracted...duh...of course I'm not going to be as creative and imaginative" However, that is exactly my point. How creative do we give ourselves a chance to be? How much do we distract ourselves from our dreams and goals? How much time do we really spend creating, imagining, and interacting versus sitting in front of the television? What if that next idea is the one that changes your entire life? How would you know if you missed it, while in front of the television.

Within only a few minutes of watching television, our brains go into a near "trance" state, where it is very open to suggestion from the inputs it receives. And it happens ALL THE TIME, while we are largely unaware. I'm not even going to get into the subliminal marketing and messages that come from the programming, as I could write an entire book on that (hmmmm..). Just the simple fact of how television has created such a warped sense of reality for so many of us, and is turning our generation into "zombies" who are constantly looking to it to tell them what to think, who to vote for, how to feel, what to wear, who to hate, whom to fear, whom to love, what to eat, where we like to go for vacation, etc, should be alarming to say the least and should give an individual pause, as to how much they allow these images to have free-reign within their mind.

Keep in mind...that the only reason ANY television program EVER exists is because someone is trying to SELL YOU SOMETHING, or to get you to do something they want, or go somewhere they want you to go, or most effective of all...THINK how they want you to think. Either via the commercials, or the program itself, the television executives have become extremely efficient at manipulation over the years. So genius..yet so subtle...as to do what they want with our minds to line their pockets and push their agendas, and we never know its happening...I mean, why would we...its just a commercial or a television program....?

Take a look at this video...and this is just a tiny, easy-to-detect, example...

Again, that was just one tiny example of what happens hundreds of times a day while you are watching the most seemingly-benign television program or commercial.

As I said in my last post about this subject, I'm not here to tell you what to do in your spare time, or with your choice of entertainment. If you like television, well, watch television. I enjoy certain television programs like the next person, as it can be a great form of entertainment. However, knowing the objectives of the television executives, how suggestible we can be while watching television, and how damaging it can be to accomplishing life goals that we set for ourselves, I would suggest that you do keep in mind how much time you spend in front of the tube.

And television isn't the only way we are being pushed and pulled into certain patterns of decision making as it happens in all forms of media (print, radio, internet, etc.).

The only way to really see how and how much television is affecting you is to stop watching for a week or so. If you do this, watch how much more clearly you are able to think, how many more ideas flow into your mind, and how sharp your mind appears to be.

Try it, you'll be amazed of the change in your overall productivity.

Dame

What is your GIFT? Look inside and you will see it.

2010-10-20T12:04:00.002-04:00

I remember throughout my life having all kinds of different goals that I wanted to achieve in my future. When I was 7 years old, I remember wanting to be a weatherman. I was always interested in the weather and how it worked. I remember sitting on my grandmother’s in porch in a small town called Prichard, Alabama, one summer afternoon, as a storm was beginning to brew. As I sat there alone, on that oh so familiar maroon and brown brick porch, I noticed how the wind began to pick up and get stronger and stronger seemingly by the second. I noticed how the hot, sticky air began to get a bit cooler as huge, dark gray clouds began to roll in from seemingly nowhere. I could see the contrast of the trees against those ominous gray clouds as they created a shade of bright green like that I had never seen before and have never since forgotten.

As the entire sky began to darken, in what seemed like only a few minutes, everything else around me--the other houses on the street, the street itself, the birds above flying for cover, other kids riding their bikes and hurrying for shelter...some of them seemed afraid...some excited...some were going to be in trouble because of what happened at school today...but everything around me appeared more luminous...more real...as sharper images against the ever darkening background.

I remember being transfixed on that porch, as the thunder rolled in the distance, softly at first...like an opera singer beginning to warm up for the performance of a lifetime...then stronger and stronger as the sound moved closer and closer. And then the rumbling was no longer distant... as I heard its rising crescendo, louder and louder, and felt the vibrations of its awesome power around me...above me...through me...as the windows of the house began to rattle slightly. My mind began to quiet itself, as to allow my senses to fully experience everything around me. I knew that if my grandmother caught me on this porch, she would tell me to come inside, but all of my cousins and my brother were already in the house...probably watching Tom and Jerry...and she was preparing supper...she loved that so much...to have all the kids over to her house...cooking supper...I could feel the joy and warmth she felt inside as she was totally focused on that pot of steaming chili....so I wouldn’t be noticed for at least a little while (I was always good at not being noticed...almost like I could just disappear whenever I wanted). I wasn’t afraid...far from it...as the thunder got louder and heavier, I felt a sense of calmness and peace as I was in a state of absolute connection with and to everything around me...my senses were heightened to a level that produced a feeling of total euphoria. It was a feeling I had never felt before, or at least I didn’t recall ever feeling that way before.

The questions I had about what I was witnessing were rushing into my inquisitive, 7-year-old mind, like the wind whipping around my grandmother’s hanging ferns. Where did these clouds come from? Why does everything seem so much more real to me now...brighter...sharper? What causes this to happen? How does wind blow? Where does it come from?

As the rain began to fall, I also had other questions, not so much about what I was seeing and hearing, but what I was feeling, and not with my body. Questions...that could not be asked in the form of a question...as I was too young, not only to understand what I was feeling inside... that rush of euphoria, that heightened sense of awareness...but to process what I was feeling into any sort of discernible language in my own mind...much less verbally express it. I only knew that there was something more to this experience than what I was seeing with my eyes, hearing with my ears, and feeling with my body. There was something more to this storm. There was something more to what I was experiencing that I couldn’t feel with my body. It felt like some sort of energy rising up my spine and through the bones of my arms and legs and around my entire body (shoot, maybe it was the lightening that was about to hit). I wanted to understand it, what I was feeling, with my mind...that storm...so I made the connection that this feeling must mean that I want to be a weatherman. That is as far as my young mind could extrapolate what I was experiencing. I wanted to know everything about the weather that I could. As the days, weeks and months passed, I read encyclopedias, watch every news program...patiently waiting for 12 minutes past the hour, when they would cover the weather. Filling my brain with facts, and figures, to the point that I understood at a very young age, the answer to most of my questions about the weather, but none of what I did helped me to understand the feeling that I had while sitting on that porch that summer afternoon. Those questions wouldn’t be fully answered until more than 20 years later.

Not questions about the storm, the wind, the clouds, and thunder...because even as a 7 year-old, I had seen a storm before...it wasn’t new phenomenon to me. But other the other questions...the one’s I didn’t have the words to ask...much less answer. Questions like, how did I know that kid across the street had gotten in trouble at school that day? I couldn’t read his mind or anything...but there was something about his body language that was different from the other kids...and I was keenly aware of it...I felt like I could feel what he was feeling. But perhaps that wasn’t what it was at all....maybe I was wrong. “Don’t be silly Dame”, is what I thought to myself as I pondered these and other events later in life. I blew it off. (Something just hit someone reading this....but I’ll digress ;-)) Well, how did I know what my grandmother was feeling while she was cooking inside? And what grandmother doesn’t enjoy cooking for her grandkids? That’s easily explainable. So I dismissed that also.

But as I reached my late twenties, I began to reflect on all these experiences in my life....there were so many. How people seemed to always feel comfortable talking to me about their problems and situations. How I always seemed to know what to say to make them feel better, or give them an answer or a suggestion, or when to just LISTEN. This only seemed to work when I took myself out of the equation...when I “blocked out” a portion of my conscious mind and allowed the depth of my mind to connect with theirs. When I tried to use Dame’s logical approach to connecting with people and solving problems, it never seemed to work as well. All my intellectual power was meaningless when it came to what I could do so well...so effortlessly.

I realized that THIS was my gift...and my gift wasn’t what I KNEW...my gift was what I AM. And I can’t describe for you the feeling of not only knowing this...accepting it...working in it....but I can’t accurately describe for you in words what my gift actually IS. (I know that sounds strange...but it IS what it IS...:-))

You have a gift. Perhaps you’ve never really noticed it, or considered it as a “gift”. It was something that always came naturally to you...and you didn’t consider it as something unique or special...it was and is just part of who you were and are. Some of us recognize our gifts at an early age, because it is so noticeable, and so many people would tell us how special it was for us to do what we were able to so effortlessly do. Whether you recognized it then or not, or are even struggling to recognize it now, your gift has always been with you. Think back to your childhood. There was always that kid that could run faster than everyone else...blow everyone out in a race every time...effortlessly. There was always that kid that was exceptional in social situations...that was always the leader...so persuasive...that could get anyone to do anything...and the other kids would fight each other for the opportunity. Or that kid that seemed to be able to draw anything...anything from scratch...with such beautiful lines and perfect shapes...and they would just draw all the time...in all of their free time...and even in the time that wasn’t supposed to be “free”.

Which kid were you?

Deep down you recognize your gift. Perhaps you’ve suppressed it over the years. Perhaps no one else recognized it, and so you put it in the back of your mind, and went about your life...but as you grew up...it was always there. Still there. Before you were born God placed this gift inside of you. He spoke to you about your gift, through all of the circumstances and experiences you had in your life....constantly teaching you...showing you...but we tend to allow those same circumstances and experiences in our lives to block our gift from our view. The very thing that God has placed within you and the very thing that He has used to work through you...is the very thing that blocks our acceptance of our unique gift...our cultivation of it...our utilization of it to positively affect the lives of those around us.

We got caught up in life itself, rather than experiencing life on a higher plane and at a higher awareness by working our gift...using our gift...BEING our gift. We let others tell us what we should be, what we should do, what we should think, what CAN be and what we CAN have...how we should be, and how we should feel. We’ve allowed other person’s perspective of the world and what is real to them, to become OUR perspective of the world and what is real to US. Others have perspectives and we tend to just accept them. Others have a sense of reality and we tend to make ours congruent with theirs. Others lead, and we tend to follow.

But what about following your heart? Is that not where your gift is? Do you not get that certain type of feeling when you are doing a certain thing and wondered why you feel that way? It’s an amazing feeling...like none other. You can’t seem to get that same feeling from anything else. Many try. They try to get that same feeling in other ways, outside of their gift....some turn to their careers...but there is still something missing....some turn to drugs...but they are always searching for that pure awakening...and never find it there....some turn to money...but money is just a tool...to get something...the feeling that it gives you is fleeting....and you look for more...always looking for more.

You are searching for something...waiting on something. I want to tell you that what you are searching for....what you are waiting on...is already INSIDE OF YOU! It’s always been there. Always. It is inside of you...your gift is inside of you. You are looking outside of yourself, for something that you won’t find, because it is INSIDE OF YOU. HE is inside of us...and put IT, your gift, inside of YOU....for your gift is a manifestation of God...it is unique...special....amazing...incredible, because you are also unique...special...amazing...incredible. You are your gift and your gift is YOU. Think on it now. Remember it. Is your gift’s existence contingent upon others recognizing it? Of course, not...its there anyway. Is your gift’s existence contingent upon YOU recognizing it? No, it is not, whether you choose to recognize it or not, it is still there. Will your gift be manifested in this world? Now that, my friend, IS up to YOU.

Your gift is not your mind, your body, your feet, your hands, or anything that is in this physical world. Yes, your gift can be manifested in the physical...as often it is...but it doesn’t have to be. Some gifts stay in the spiritual...some people work their gift in the emotional...and the transference of emotion to others....some mental....but your true gift can’t be touched, tasted, seen, heard, or smelled...but rather through these senses we manifest what is inside of us. Your true gift cannot even be described with the words we use! Words can only describe a true GLIMPSE of what your gift truly is...just like you can’t put into words what you feel inside when you have a connection with that gift...because you have a connection with God...through your gift...and it is personal...and cannot be described...defined...or dissected. It just IS. Its the feeling you get from using what is inside of you, to do amazing things, and bring a new level of richness to others lives...and in doing so...YOUR LIFE.

So the question is...and will always be...as it always has been...what is your GIFT? And if you know...are you working in it? How much of a part of your life is your gift? If very little, then why do you think you have it?

If you want to feel love, then WORK YOUR GIFT! If you want more money, then WORK YOUR GIFT! If you want to experience more our of life, then....I think you got it.

Earlier your read a just a tiny piece of my story (there is so much more to it, as with all of us) of how I discovered my gift. You have a story also...don’t you?

With love, I share my gift.

Dame

Business Tip: Vendors/Suppliers....What is true in relationships, is true in business...

2010-10-18T18:14:00.000-04:00

One of the first lessons you learn (either the hard way or the easy way) when starting your own business is choosing the right vendor/supplier/partner for certain projects. Face it, we can't do everything on our own, and its very helpful (and wise) to partner with others to accomplish tasks that are outside of your level of expertise. I have a motto: Focus on what you do best, and outsource the rest. That motto has worked very well for me, but not without some cuts and bruises along the way. I learned some valuable lessons over the years about outsourcing, and I'd like to share some of those with you so you can avoid some of the pitfalls that I tended to fall right into.

Make the right choice, things go quite smoothly and your path to new revenue is clear. Make the wrong choice, and it can end up wasting money, wasting valuable time, and damaging relationships. Having good partners is an asset to any business, but every vendor/supplier cannot be a true partner to your business, and some vendors should have never been selected in the first place and can end up being more of a liability than an asset to your business.

So here are some steps for my fellow entrepreneurs out there to help you avoid critical mistakes when selecting a vendor/supplier/partner.

1. Don't fall in love on the first date: What is true in relationships is true in business, you don't fall in love on the first date and you don't fall in love during the first meeting with a prospective vendor. Seriously, a prospective vendor will tell you everything you want to hear and then some, but they are just trying to get the "goodies", so take everything with a grain of salt. Listen intently, but just remember that they haven't proven ANYTHING yet, so its all talk. Not that they can't deliver, but they haven't yet, so don't get so enamored with their spiel.

2. Don't appear to be "desperate": You may be in desperate need of a product or service that you need a vendor/supplier to provide but never let that show to a prospective vendor/supplier. If you appear too "easy" they will sense it, and you may be sorry later. When you are desperate or have a short turnaround, you give the "advantage" to the prospective vendor and you never get the best deal, because they know you're in a hurry. Even worse, you'll find out later that your phone calls and emails aren't being answered as quickly as before, or in some cases not at all (or at least not for an entire week). When they didn't have to work hard for your business...its difficult for them to "respect you in the morning".

3. Avoid paying for it all upfront...if you can: There something about a vendor/supplier getting all the money from you for a service that just seems to decrease their ability to perform or ends up making them as slow as molasses. Of course, by paying them up front, you've taken a great deal of their incentive out of the equation. Be wary of ANY vendor who wants to you pay the entire invoice before they've done any work. Fifty percent (50%) is the MAXIMUM deposit, but really 30% is more than reasonable. If the vendor/supplier relationship is ever going to evolve into a true partnership, then each partner must have some "skin in the game".

4. Don't send in that last check until you are completely satisfied: Generally, when you are working with a vendor, you pay a deposit, they complete their part of the bargain per what was agreed to, then you pay the remainder after the services have been rendered. But don't let a vendor talk you into sending in that last payment before the work is 100%....and I mean ONE HUNDRED PERCENT done. Every "i" is dotted and every "t" has to be crossed before you send that check in. Please listen to me, or you'll have a product/service that has been 90% completed for 6 months, and your supplier has NO incentive to finish as they have their money already.

5. My momma told me, you better shop around: This should go without saying but I've been burned by this on more than one occasion. I'm a victim of not following Rule #1 which leads directly to this Rule, in that when you fall in love with a vendor at the first meeting, you end up not doing due diligence in researching other vendors and you'll pay the price later (in dollars, stress and time). You should consider a minimum of 3 vendors you will consider, for any major project. Now, I don't mean if you need copy paper, that you need to go to 3 stores before you buy the paper, that, of course, wouldn't be practical. But if its something major, something that is critical to revenue production in your business, or a critical business function in general, make sure you've done talked to more than one vendor. Trust me, its worth the extra meeting.

6.   If they stand you up, the relationship is over before it begins: This is one item you can't necessarily "avoid" because you wouldn't have known a prospective vendor was going to stand you up for a meeting, but SHAME ON YOU if you do business with them going forward. We have TOO much technology, and there are TOO many other prospective vendors for me to allow myself to be disrespected in that manner. Unless they got hit by a bus...its over...period...they don't pass go...they don't collect $200. Now, I can proudly say, I've never done business with a company that stood me up for a meeting, but you'd be amazed with the stories/excuses you hear, and how some companies actually relent and end up working with such a vendor regardless. Shame....you've got to respect yourself more than that. Again...what's true in relationships....

7.   Make sure this is what they REALLY do: Sometimes vendors specialize in certain areas, and they do those things very well, but they "know how to do" or "can" do other things and you find out later that they aren't very good at those "other" things. So this lesson also costs you time and money. You thought you were "killing two birds with one stone", but you only succeeded in killing your bank account and the clock. Now you have to go and find another vendor, because yours fell on their faces. You may get your money back if you're lucky, but you'll NEVER get your time back. And time IS money...believe me. If its not their core business, do yourself a favor and say "no thank you". If you hire a graphic designer to do graphic design, and they say they can also provide trade show materials for your business (since you conveniently mentioned it) but they don't have a showroom for their trade show displays, let them do the graphic design and let that be it. If they don't have a showroom for the displays, that means it isn't their core business and they just "dabble" in it. Well, you can't afford for someone to be DABBLING on your dime, so leave well enough alone.

8.   Know what you really want out of this relationship: Sounds simple, but this is often overlooked during the vendor searching/evaluation process. Ask yourself, "What kind of vendor do I want for this or any service?" "What kind of vendor is best for my company?" "How will I evaluate a prospective vendor?" "What do they need to show me in order for me to feel comfortable with their services?" "Am I looking for this to evolve into a partnership?" "What exactly IS a partnership to me?" The more you know about what YOU want for your business, the better prepared you will be to effectively evaluate a prospective vendor. Take some time to get to know what you really want and don't be afraid to voice it to your prospective vendor.

9.   Don't let them get "too familiar": Sometimes when a relationship with a vendor has been existing for a while, there is a danger that the vendor may become too "familiar" with you and forget that you are still the CUSTOMER which makes you the BOSS. This is especially dangerous when you hire your friends or associates as vendors. At the end of the day, they will be slower to respond to your needs in many cases, because the "know" you and they feel a little too safe because you would kick a "friend" to the curb. So they begin to take liberties with certain things....deadlines get missed....projects are "half-baked"...quality begins to decline....response gets slower...excuses increase. Just like in an ongoing relationship....if you say you love me...show me by your actions, otherwise you're just taking me for granted. Don't allow yourself to be put in that position. Avoid doing business with friends if you can.

10. Communication is the key: Communication is the key to any relationship, and its just as critical in business relationships. If you are not happy with the performance of your vendor/supplier, they should be the first to know. I don't care if you are afraid you will "hurt their feelings" or "harm the relationship", you HAVE to do it. Besides, they should WANT to know if they aren't meeting your needs effectively. You should set aside time with your vendors to discuss how the business relationship is going, the concerns/issues on each side, and come to an agreement on how things can be improved. And I don't mean that sugar-coated communication, where its just small talk and on-the-surface talk, I'm talking about "real talk". This isn't the time to play around, this is the time to get real and honest. Both parties will benefit, whether the relationship continues or not.

Just a few tips to help someone in the world of entrepreneurship as it relates to vendors. Until next time....

Yes, you may be in your OWN way...but why? Part I

2010-10-12T09:39:00.000-04:00

I'm sure we've all heard it before. "Believe you can do something, and then you can do it!" Or..."if you can dream it...you can do it!" Or..."you can do anything if you put your mind to it" Etc., etc. But do you really believe these sayings are true when you hear them? Do they REALLY apply to you, or is it just something nice to say or to hear from someone from time to time? I mean, when you say those words, whether to encourage or motivate yourself or someone else, or you hear them, and they are encouraging and motivational to you...do you REALLY internalize them? Are they really part of your "belief system"?

So, what exactly IS a belief system? A belief system is simply how you view the world around you. All of the experiences that you've had since you were a child (good, bad, exciting, indifferent, how you were raised, what you were taught, etc.) plays a major role in shaping how you view your life, the world around you, the people in it, who you choose as your friends, your relationships, your work, what you like or don't like, your tastes, your language...everything. It is your perspective of everything in your life, including what you can or cannot have, do, be, feel, experience, etc. Its your own personal map, that you use every day to navigate through day to day situations. Your belief systems actually make up who YOU are.

These belief systems are stored in your unconscious mind (the part of your mind that does the stuff that you don't have to think about...breathing, heart beat, tying your shoes, driving your car, etc.) Your conscious mind, the part of your mind that you are aware of, accesses all of these stored belief systems from the subconscious mind to make decisions on a daily, hourly, minute-by-minute, second-by-second basis.

For example, let's say you are getting in your car to drive somewhere. And lets say that place that you are driving to is not familiar to you...perhaps it is a new restaurant on a side of town that you don't frequent, and you're meeting some friends there. You will use your conscious mind to find directions to the restaurant or perhaps use your GPS, but you won't have to figure out how to drive....you already know how to do that. Why? Because when you learned how to drive, that information was stored in your unconscious mind. When its time to drive, your conscious mind, accesses this information on how to drive a car, without any input or inquiry from you, from your unconscious mind. You just hop in the car and your only concern is how to get to the new restaurant to meet your friends. Consider this, have you ever driven a long distance, and your mind was thinking of everything else but driving? You may daydream about things, or think about what you have to do when you get where you are going, but there is only a tiny bit of your conscious mind that is being used to actually DRIVE the car, which is why you are able to do all of these other conscious tasks while driving.

The same is true for the things your believe....your belief systems. Your belief systems are stored in your unconscious mind, just like the instructions on how to drive a car, and your belief systems are accessed by your conscious mind to help you determine how to react to different situations that arise in your life.

So, what are some examples of belief systems and how they are used by an individual to make decisions? Well, let's go with a simple, common belief system to illustrate my point...here is one that I hear from students a lot...."I am not good at math". We've all have heard this from someone before at some point. Perhaps it was even YOU who has said it. And whether you said it verbally or not, isn't relevant....its embedded in your unconscious mind....in other words...at some point it became part of your belief system...how you saw math and your performance relative to it. Now, the belief that you are not good at math, could have come from a number of sources. Perhaps you didn't make good grades in math when you were younger...perhaps it seem confusing, or you didn't get the point of it...regardless of what that reason was (we'll get to sources of belief in another post) for that belief, it became part of how you saw the world. So when you were faced with a math problem, and your conscious mind searched your unconscious mind for the answers in figuring out the math problem, your conscious mind finds "I'M NOT GOOD AT MATH" embedded in the answer to the problem. This confuses your conscious mind, because its receiving a mixed message that doesn't make sense. It thinks..."if I'm not good at math, then how do I solve this math problem?" Well, most likely you can't, and won't (unless you're lucky), because "I'M NOT GOOD AT MATH" is part of your belief system...so its a louder...more clear voice in your head than the answer to the math problem could ever be.

You studied...but you "blanked out" or "froze up". Heard that before...felt that before? This is why. You convinced your unconscious mind that math was something difficult...perhaps even to be feared....and YOU weren't good at it...which means you are BAD at it...so your conscious mind just reacts the way those belief systems (stored in your unconscious) tell it to...and you experience performance anxiety, or you may even break out in a cold sweat...get nervous...anxious...stressed, which further confuses the mind, and makes it nearly impossible to focus on the task at hand.

Your belief systems...how you see the world...how you see others...how you see yourself...what you believe you are able to do...what you believe you cannot do...end up becoming what you GET in the world. If I believe that I am not good at math, then I will probably not be good at math....If I believe that certain level of success is only achievable by a certain group of people (and I'm not in that group), then guess what...yes...I will NOT reach that level of success (unless I get "lucky" and even then I'll always attribute that success to something outside of myself...never by my own hard work, desire, dedication, belief, etc.).

So how do you change/adjust your belief systems in order to not allow negative belief systems to block the things you want out of life? What can you do right now to begin to understand your true belief systems, and know that you are truly believing something and creating that reality for yourself...and not just repeating slogans you really don't believe? How do you go about getting out of your own way to get to where you want to be? How do you properly align your belief systems with your goals in life?

Stay tuned for Part II, in which I will answer these questions in detail. In the meantime I invite you to subscribe to my blog, so you can be the first to get these valuable gems that can take you to new levels in your life, some of which you never thought possible. Follow me on the journey to a better understanding of YOU.

Dame

What is the loudest voice you'll ever hear telling you?

2010-10-11T09:43:00.001-04:00

Every day, every hour, every minute, even every second we are constantly bombarded with noise. In the morning when you wake up, perhaps the first thing you do is turn on the radio or the television. Perhaps you have children and you are rushing to get them ready for school, and yourself ready for work. When you get in your car, if you are like most people, you have the radio on, perhaps playing your favorite music or listening to a talk radio show. Some people prefer to listen to the news on the radio, while others prefer to put in their favorite CD, or listen to a comedy talk program.

When you get to work, you see your co-workers, and you may chat for a few minutes over coffee and tea before you start work. If its a Monday morning, most likely you would hear about your co-workers weekend...what they did...something funny that happened...perhaps something exciting. You may tell them about your previous weekend, and what you experienced. Soon the workday begins, and your focusing on your job, whatever that may be. If you do work in an office environment, perhaps there is a meeting that you need to be a part of, or that you are running. It is not uncommon, for you to hear 20 or more different voices by mid-morning, and depending on the nature of your job, 40 or more by lunchtime.

Have you ever taken a few minutes to step back and notice these inputs that you are receiving in your ears, and in your mind, coming from these different voices on a daily basis? Not necessarily judging them, but just reflecting on the source of those inputs, and how they are shaping how you feel at any particular moment. When you take a moment to assess your internal feelings after hearing certain voices, you may find that they affect your mood a bit more than you realized. Perhaps when you turned on the news that morning, you heard about some crime that was committed in your city, or a rash of crimes, some even violent. When you spoke with your co-worker that morning, perhaps they are they type of person that’s never happy about their job, and never at a loss of words in describing to you everything that is wrong with their manager or other co-workers, and how much they dislike what they have to do on a daily basis. All of these outside inputs have either a positive or negative effect on our feelings and moods at any particular time.

Have you ever been in a down mood, and you didn’t quite know why? There was no obvious reason for you to feel that way, but you just did. Your energy level depleted, you just want to go home and curl up in your bed and let those feelings pass, but you have responsibilities, you have to work, take care of your family, run errands, pay bills, buy groceries, get some gas, etc. So all of these responsibilities have the tendency to make your mood that much worse, almost as if though they are piling on each other...and sometimes the weight can feel unbearable. At the end of the day, you are just totally drained, but what makes it worse is that you think about having to do it all over again tomorrow. Not a very good feeling is it?

If you have ever been in that situation, a mildly depressed, sad, uneasy mood, for no apparent reason, I would suggest the reason for this mood is more simple than you may realize. Your end of the day mood, began far earlier...it started when you woke up this morning. Let me ask you, when you woke up this morning, what was the first thought that was pervasive in your mind? Was it all the things you HAD to do that day? All the responsibilities? All of the problems? The issues? Concerns? Worries? Think about it, what was the first thought you remember having before you did anything that morning?

The loudest voice of all the 100 or more different voices you will hear everyday, is the voice inside of your own mind. The one you never hear with your ears. What you think about every day, is shaping your entire daily experience. Your thoughts are the source of your mood...happy, concerned, worried, depressed, joyful, serious, etc., and thereby your energy level, and your ability to function effectively throughout the day.

But as powerful as our minds are, they are subject to inputs from our senses. The only way our minds know what is going on around it is through our senses (hearing, tasting, smelling, touching, sight), as it relies on these senses to help you make decisions. What types of inputs are you allowing into your mind? And how are these inputs shaping your thoughts? Let’s go back to what you listen to with your ears...first thing in the morning....is it uplifting...sad...joyful...depressing? Pay attention to it next time, if you don’t remember right now. What was the first thing you thought of this morning? Was it something pleasant? Or not so pleasant? Did you have worry in your mind when you arose? Perhaps what you were going to wear? Whether or not you would be late for work? What you would have for breakfast?

Whatever you are thinking about when you arise in the morning, you are setting the tone for the rest of the day. You have to believe this, because it is absolutely true. But try this for yourself. I’d like you to do three things for me when you wake up tomorrow morning, and if they work for you, then do it everyday. This takes between 2 to 5 minutes, so YES you have time.

1. 1. Fill your mind with gratitude. When you wake up in the morning, make your very first thought, GRATITUDE for being able to arise and do all the things that make life so rich and meaningful. We all have much to be thankful for. Take 30-seconds to reflect on a deep sense of graciousness and thanksgiving.

2. 2. Think of 10 things you love about yourself. Yes, TEN! The key hear is not to think of this as being arrogant, or self-centered in a negative sense. You are reflecting on those positive aspects of yourself. Those things that make you the most wonderful being every created...because you are. Enjoy thinking of those positive aspects, those things that you love about yourself. Perhaps its the fact that you are a wonderful mother or father, you have beautiful skin, you are very smart, you know how to get things done, how to stretch $5 to feed your family for an entire day, how you make the perfect cup of coffee, how well-spoken you are in public, etc. Nothing is off limits, as long as it is about YOU. This is YOUR time.

3. 3. Breathe. Take slow deep breaths into your lungs, filling them with air, and slowly letting the air out. Slowly, easily, methodically. Take the air all the way in....hold it for 2 seconds, and slowly let it out through your mouth. Do this while thinking of those positive aspects of yourself. So for each of those 10 positive aspects, breathe in and breathe out. Our brains need oxygen to function properly. You will be amazed how well these breathing techniques make you feel. And when combined with your positive thinking, the feeling lasts all day long, it actually never has to end.

Remember, make your thoughts, the loudest voice you hear, full of positivity, happiness, joy, fulfillment, and it will begin to tune out all of the other inputs that can negatively affect your state of mind. You will begin to see how all of these outside inputs can begin to affect your perspective on everything, if you allow them to. Be in control of your own feelings and emotions. Decide to be happy, and you will be.

Dame

How I lost 59 lbs with my MIND

2010-10-04T08:46:00.002-04:00

Someone recently asked me what I had done to lose 58 lbs over the last year, and I thought it to be helpful to someone if I posted part of my response here. As my method for achieving a healthier weight, is not as common as what you see on television programs, infomercials and on the Internet.

My response to the question is below:

In the physical, I cut down my portion sizes to about 2/5 of what I would normally have eaten. I already worked out regularly, but I don't lift heavy anymore...more cardiovascular. I cut down my sugar intake by about 80-90% and stopped drinking sodas. I drink mostly water now...tea...and I don’t drink coffee much anymore...and I used to drink a pot a day.

In the mental (which to me is the most important and most critical), I changed my perception of myself. I was 247 lbs this time last year, but I decided to VISUALIZE myself as 175 lbs and 13% body fat. I repeated this over and over to myself verbally and mentally. Daily. Over and over. Visualizing myself as a healthy person, at a healthy weight, feeling good about myself and my body. Then the amazing began to happen. The bigger, less-healthy version of myself, began to become a distant memory and my reality began to be what I decided that I truly was...."I AM 175lbs and 13% body fat".

Because of what I did mentally, it manifested in the physical. You are what you think you are and what you believe you are. When I began to shift my mental to this new state of being, I began to unconsciously do the things that a person that is 175 lbs and 13% body fat does...eat more vegetables, eat smaller portions, drink more water, do more cardio, etc. But I was NEVER and am not on a DIET!
That's the key for me. I don't consider myself on any sort of dietary regimen...I just do what comes naturally now because I have reprogrammed my mind in such a manner. And what comes naturally now, is more fruits and vegetables, smaller portion sizes, plenty of fun and exciting exercise, and a pleasant feeling from doing all of those things that intensifies every day.

Many people fail at weight-loss, because they approach it in the wrong manner (I have been guilty of this many times). They try to make the physical change the mental...allowing their physical appearance to control their mental outlook. “If I begin to see results...that will motivate me.” Well, yes, it is true that physical results in weight loss can be motivating, but what happens when you reach a plateau in your weight loss journey? Are you then de-motivated? Do you give up on what you’ve been doing for the past 6 weeks, 6 months, or a year?

Plus, when you need your physical outlook to determine your mental outlook, you begin to do things that are NOT healthy (crash and fad diets) to achieve this certain physical state you need in order to be motivated. Conditioning your mind to need a physical representation of the thing you want in order to be motivated to do the things that create that physical representation in the first place. And the moment you begin not to see the results in your body, or you may even begin to see the results, and figure "I can take a little break from this exercising stuff..." or "I've done really well these last few weeks...I can have that pizza.." And then it starts...one pizza, becomes a chocolate cake, becomes fried chicken, becomes...BACK WHERE YOU STARTED. And you'll wonder why! It is because you must take control of your MIND first!

The mind controls the body, which is why individuals who have not shifted their mental state, end up gaining the weight again, and again. Shifting your mental attitude to an “I AM” attitude is the best way to accomplish any goal including losing the weight you want. Focusing on the positive aspects of yourself, using positive mental language (yes, words are important...especially the ones you use for yourself), and visualizing techniques, help you to shift your mental state to one of already having accomplished the goal versus looking at the goal as something far away.

Speak those things as if they were so! Because that's what makes them SO! Speaking with your mouth as well as using your most powerful and the loudest voice you will ever hear...YOUR MIND. Our minds are so powerful, and they have been formed so beautifully by our Creator. Our brains are truly, fearfully and wonderfully made! We merely have to use what we have already been given, a beautiful mind, and reject the conditioning that has resulted in us being in a place where we do not want to be. Everyone already has what they need to achieve their goals, because everyone has a brain, and understanding what it can do and how amazing yours is, is the first step to accomplishing ANY GOAL.

I don’t even like to use the term “weigh-loss”, as that term sounds somewhat negative to me. I prefer to use “maintaining a healthy body”. Isn’t that what we really want anyway? Use positive words to identify your goals. When you say weight loss, your unconscious mind just hears WEIGHT...and LOSS. Well, I don’t want more weight...so why am I focusing on weight? I want to BE healthy and not need to LOSE weight, so why am I saying LOSS? See how words make the difference. Now, what do you want? You want to be HEALTHY, FIRM, FIT, ATTRACTIVE, SEXY, RIPPED, etc., all of these are words that get us to the state of being we truly WANT. I don’t want to be in WEIGHT...I want to be in HEALTHY. See? Just those tiny changes in your thought patterns make more of the difference than you realize.

I hope this was helpful to someone. If you would like to learn more about how to achieve positive results in a previously challenging area of your life, just by using what you already have...your mind...feel free to subscribe to my blog, or feel free to send me an email: mycoach@damemalone.com. I would love to hear from you.

By the way... here is a picture from August of 2009. I was 247 lbs...

Here is another from August 2009...I was pretty bulky, and had some decent muscle mass...but I was very uncomfortable with my body, and quite an unhealthy eater...

Picture from August 2010...I was 195 lbs...not great quality and bad angle, but trust me...I feel so much better...

I'll post some better pictures soon...right now I am 186 lbs and 17% body fat.

Potential Energy vs. Kinetic Energy (Do Nothing vs. Do Something)

2010-09-19T16:45:00.002-04:00

In my 9th Grade science class, during the time in which I was actually paying attention, among other things, I remember learning about two different types of energy, POTENTIAL energy and KINETIC energy. Don’t worry, I’m not going to turn into Mr. Physics teacher on you, and put you to sleep like I would have been in some of my science classes, but I would like to illustrate a point. See, in Physics, potential energy is the energy that is “captured” in an object with the “potential” to be released. When I grab a ball and rare back to throw it without actually doing so, that is potential energy. If I take a book and put it on a counter it has potential energy, because gravity could take hold and the book could potentially fall to the floor, although that would take some form of outside action to occur.

Since it was never my goal to become a scientist or physicist, I never thought I would encounter the term Potential Energy in my day to day life or career. These terms like many I learned in high school would just go to the back of my mind like the rest of them. That is, until I was sitting on my couch after a long day at work, feeling sorry for myself. I was sitting there wishing I could start my own business, hoping that one day I would write a book, wondering if I would ever make the kind of money I wanted. Through all of this sitting, wishing, hoping and thinking, I began to realize that I had loads of potential energy coursing through my body. My mind took me back to that physics class, many years ago, and realized that I actually did learn something quite insightful, something that would help me in the future, but not in the way I intended. I learned that potential energy is actually would’olve, could’olve, should’olve energy.

In and of itself, would’ove, could’ove should’ove energy does nothing—is nothing—just lies there accomplishing nothing. See, would’ove, could’ove, should’ove energy is the book on the coffee table, the ball in the hand, but it is also the body on the couch, the face in front of the television, or the idea in the mind. Now, we don’t call it potential energy, and maybe we don’t always say, should’ove, would’ove or could’ove, but we use other names or phrases to describe it such as “I can’t”, “There’s not enough time”, “I’m tired”, etc. No matter what name we use to describe our potential energy (and we never seem to run out of words to describe it) it is still the do-nothing energy.

But, Kinetic energy is different from Potential energy in that Kinetic energy is the actual work required to accelerate something to its velocity. When I take the ball, and begin to throw it, the ball now contains, Kinetic energy. The term kinetic energy comes from a combination of the Greek words “Kinesis” and “Energia”. And literally means “through motion do active work”. When the book falls off of the coffee table, that is Kinetic energy, when the ball is thrown, that is Kinetic energy, but Kinetic energy is also getting off the couch and doing something, or getting out from in front of the television and creating action.

Perhaps now you understand where I am going with all of this science talk...this discussion of physics as it relates to potential and kinetic energy. The two work hand in hand--you can have Potential energy without Kinetic energy, however you cannot have Kinetic energy without Potential energy. In other words, the book can be on the coffee table, but won’t fall by itself, the ball can be in your hand, but won’t throw itself, the idea for the book can swirl around in your mind, but it won’t be written by itself, you can think about running your own business, but the business plan won’t be developed by itself, it takes Kinetic energy, the application of force or action, for any of the preceding to occur.

Well, think of the word “ENOUGH” as Potential Energy, although nothing is seemingly happening, the potential energy in realizing that you have had enough of your current situation is quite significant, and equally as necessary. The word “NOW” is your Kinetic Energy, it is the actual representation of the motion of your arm to throw the ball, your body getting off of the couch, your fingers typing your book on the keyboard, or going back to school so you can get a better job, or eating healthier to lose weight, or throwing that pack of cigarettes away to quit smoking, etc. For anything to move, you have to have potential energy and kinetic energy… for anything to move you have to make a decision and begin action…you have to say..."ENOUGH..NOW!!!"

Dame

Don't fall victim to Unrealized Passion

2010-09-16T12:54:00.001-04:00

As many of you know, I do a lot of different things but primarily I am a Life, Business and Career Coach. That's what I do...that's what I love. I enjoy working with individuals to help them solve problems or to help them achieve their goals, dreams and aspirations, especially around Business. See, I am a firm believer in doing what you love and loving what you do. My personal theory is that there is ALWAYS a way to make a living from doing what you love. Always a way. Its just a matter of imagination, creativity and resolve.

I work with people from every walk of life, every ethnicity, every color, every age group, education background ect. and I've found that people generally want the same thing. They want work that is meaningful to them and others...which provides them with a certain, personal standard of living. There may be other goals and objectives, but basically, if given a choice, people want to be able to do what they truly ENJOY doing, as long as they can earn a decent living from it.

Many of these individuals have considered going into business for themselves, but have no idea how to get started, so they drop the idea, or put it in the back of their mind where the cobwebs lurk. Others may have tried entrepreneurship before, but failed for whatever reason, and never tried again. Perhaps the business plan wasn't well thought out. Perhaps the market for the product or service wasn't there or the timing was wrong. Perhaps lack of funding was the issue, or a bad partnership. There are too many reasons to list as to why start-up businesses fail, and I'll go into more depth about them in another post, but what I want to focus on is one very BIG reason businesses fail.

The biggest business failure is the one that is never started.

Of course the biggest reason why businesses are never started in the first place is fear. But I'm not focusing on that part in this post, either. Rather, I will focus on the second biggest reason why businesses are never started....I call it Unrealized Passion.

Unrealized passion is an interesting term indeed. It is basically the passion that an individual has for doing a particular thing, that is unrecognized or unrealized. Passion is defined in the dictionary as 'any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling'. If I told you that I had a passion for what I do, you could rightfully garner from that statement that I LOVE what I do or thoroughly enjoy it (which, of course I do). So love and enjoyment are very much related to passion, because these are very "powerful" and "compelling" emotions.

When I am speaking to someone about their career or business aspirations I always ask the same question...."What do you LOVE to do?" Of course, as you can imagine, the responses vary greatly, and many times I'm forced to ask a follow-up question...."Tell me what you REALLY love to do?" Most of the time that gets me to the the place I want to be in the conversation, where we are focusing on realizing that individuals true passions in the form of entrepreneurship.

However, sometimes when I ask the first question, about what a person loves to do, I get a very perplexed and introspective look from them. As if they are searching for the answer inside of themselves, because they really don't know for sure. Sometimes because they have never truly thought of it, and other times because they are afraid to admit it, or they are tying to give me an answer that SOUNDS "acceptable". I really enjoy when this happens, because I know right then that we are about to go on a very fun journey in the time we have together.

If you have ever considered going into business for yourself, the first thing you need to do is block out all of the infomercials and "get rich quick" or "work from home" schemes. Throw out all the MLM (Multi-Level Marketing) brochures you may have picked up from your local beauty or barbershop or corner store, or website someone forwarded to you.

Now ask yourself two questions...."what do I truly LOVE, ENJOY or am PASSIONATE about doing?" "How can I make a living from doing it?"

When you love to do something, when you are truly passionate about it, you'll more likely to be GOOD at it, because you will be more willing to do the things it takes to be good at whatever it is.

Many people make the terrible mistake, when considering a business venture, of going into a business they feel will make them money first, without consideration of their true passion. This is not to say that such a business venture could never succeed, it might indeed prevail (especially if your passion is just "making money"), but the chances of this are quite slim, and even if it does succeed, you can easily find yourself in a situation where you absolutely HATE what you do, but it pays the bills, so you just do it. This is far from ideal, and doesn't have to be the case.

Knowing yourself, knowing what you truly enjoy doing, what you are passionate about is in my opinion, the first step in beginning any business venture. Of course, there are many steps beyond this that are critical in running a successful business, but before we can even get to those...first things first. But what you don't want is to be stuck in something you don't even really like to do, you're just in it because someone told you that you could make a lot of money from it and retire on your own island or something. I've seen this end in disaster time and time again.

Believe in yourself, be yourself, love what you do...do what you love, make a living from THAT, there is a way, there HAS to be, I know there is, the only limit is YOUR imagination....I believe it, and I believe in YOU.

Dame

Do we watch too much Television?

2010-09-16T08:44:00.000-04:00

I think we do. If we truly count the hours a week we spend in front of the television, it should concern us, if not frighten us. One of the factors of a mind's capacity to operate effectively and efficiently is the input from the senses (hearing, vision, touch, etc.). But if the average American spends 5 hours a day in front of the television, how is this affecting that individual's mind over time when 2 of our primary learning senses (vision and hearing) are being clogged up with what is on television?

Some may say that televison itself is quite harmless, and I would agree with this assumption, but I also believe that excessive television watching is indeed harmful, because it deprives the mind over time of its ability to properly focus. This decrease in mental focus is so gradual over time to be almost undetectable by the individual, but it is there.

The next time you are watching television, do a quick exercise...imagine the television not being there. Imagine you were just staring at the wall. No television there. Eyes fixed. You're not saying anything, not hearing anything, not seeing anything, but just imagine yourself blankly staring at the wall. The wall has your complete attention. Would you consider yourself to be in a "trance-like" state? Now, imagine staring at that wall for 4 hours a day, 365 days a year ( or 2 entire months out of the year).

Much of the formation of our thoughts, our ideas, our motivation, our prejudices, our attitudes, our views of success and of failure, etc., come from the inputs into our mind. Our minds do what we tell it to do, and what we feed into it. So what are you feeding your mind daily?

Most of us work every day, at least 8 hours a day. This leaves 16 hours to conduct our other responsibilities or to do with what we please. Take another 7-8 hours to sleep, and we have 8 hours of time left. If have a family there is almost no time left out of those 8 hours. You might have 2-3 hours in a 24 hour day (many have less) to do what you please. So how are you spending that time?

I am certainly not coming from a "holier than thou" perspective. I like television like the next person. But I have noticed over the years its effect on me and my focus, and my will to do the things that I truly wanted to do with my life, and what I wanted to have, be, feel, experience, etc. I realized that MY television watching was keeping me from learning, expanding, growing, experiencing, etc. So for ME, I cut a very large portion of television out of my life, and it has really helped me a lot.

Don't misinterpret the phrase "Work Smarter, Not Harder"

2010-09-13T20:35:00.001-04:00

I got a question about this from a friend of mine, and I wanted to share with my friends...I'd like to know your opinion also, if you'd like to share.

The often used cliche' "Work Smarter Not Harder" is indeed true, yet it is very often misinterpreted. When people hear that phrase, they tend to interpret it as a reason NOT to work hard, because the phrase gives the assumption that there is something wrong or objectionable with working hard, and that there is some better, or more effective choice to the contrary.

The way that phrase is used by some is designed to deceive, and generally meant to remove people from their hard earned money, (I can write an entire book on all the reasons why, but of course I won't do that here) by making people believe that there is a way to be successful WITHOUT working hard, and that way just happens to be something someone is SELLING (or getting you to BUY into...same difference).

It really boils down to what one's definition of hard work is. Does a Janitor work HARDER than a Stock Broker? Does a Construction Worker work HARDER than a Teacher? Does a Writer work as hard as a Social Worker? Does a Minister work HARDER than a Model? Does the job itself imply who works harder, or is there some measurement of "work" that we need to apply in these cases? Of course, it is all a matter of perception.

Allow me to explain. Just because something doesn't FEEL like work, doesn't mean that it is NOT, and that the work is not indeed HARD. Also, just because someone may do a lot of what they FEEL is hard work, even hard physical labor...it doesn't necessarily mean that they are any closer to accomplishing a certain task or goal.

Working smarter means utilizing intelligence and common sense WITH work, to a given task, in order to complete it effectively and efficiently. But it doesn't mean that "hard work" doesn't take place.

For example, if you cut your own lawn, there is NO way to apply your brain power to getting the grass cut that doesn't include a mower (or other lawn cutting instrument). Pushing a mower is going to be an integral part of cutting the grass...period. In other words, its going to take...work. However, you can apply your brain power to getting the job done more efficiently/effectively. You can decide to hire someone to do it for you. You can wait until the sun is lower in the sky to cut the grass....to avoid heat stroke and unnecessary fatigue. You can make sure you are PUSHING the mower around the yard, instead of PULLING (which requires more physical "work"), etc. Those would be examples of working "smarter", but they are not substitutes to getting the job done, and the work required.

We as humans, generally appreciate MEANINGFUL work. In that our labor, whether it be physical or mental, accomplishes goals that are meaningful to us. These goals include money for food, shelter and clothing, but are not limited to them. We all want work that we are GOOD at doing, and in some way satisfies our unique gifts and abilities. The more you ENJOY what you do, the LESS it feels like WORK. Whether the work is physical or mental, is irrelevant, as long as it satisfies some need in our society that can be compensated. For many, this compensation is monetary, but for others money isn't why they do what they do, and they would do it for free.

Without getting too deep here, I guess I am trying to say that we each have a gift. Some of us have found it, some have not, but we do indeed have at least one (no matter how seemingly insignificant). The satisfaction and joy that comes from using your gift(s) to earn a living is immeasurable. And you will work HARD...as hard as you need to, in order to accomplish your goals, but it won't FEEL like work...at least not in the same way.

That is my definition of WORKING SMARTER. Doing more of what you enjoy, that contributes to society, and less of what you do not. I caution people when they say there is a BETTER or SMARTER way to do something. Was there a BETTER or SMARTER way for Picasso to paint? Was there a SMARTER way for Michelangelo to paint the Sistine Chapel? Was there a BETTER or SMARTER way for Sam Walton to build the most successful retail company in history? Who is to say, but the question itself misses the point. There IS a way for you to earn a living doing what you truly LOVE to do...the SMART way is figuring out what it is (if you don't already know), and how to make a living from it. If you are doing it now, then you understand what I mean.

If you aren't then its time to get to......WORK. :-)

P.S. There is a way to figure out what you truly enjoy doing...just ask yourself what you would do with your days if you had $100 Million in the bank. You find a lot out about yourself when you take money OUT of the equation, and just deal with YOU. If your answer is "I would do NOTHING", what does that tell you about yourself, where you are in life, and your goals? If you wouldn't DO anything if you had $100 Million in the bank, then you probably wouldn't do anything to GET $100 Million.

Circumstance and Opportunity

2010-09-01T10:18:00.000-04:00

Each of our lives are full of circumstance and opportunity, and equal parts of each. For every circumstance in our lives, there lies opportunity within it. And yet, for every opportunity that presents itself to us...circumstance lurks around the corner. We can each exert a certain level of CONTROL over some our circumstances, yet others remain outside of our influence. The same is true for our opportunities, as we sometimes see them, and yet other times they appear to hide from us.

It helps not to think of either circumstance or opportunity as being GOOD or BAD. But each rather as a necessary and omnipresent force of occurrence in our lives. This runs contrary to how most of us think, because we have been conditioned in many cases to view "circumstances" as a negative term, and "opportunity" as a positive one. Even the dictionary defines opportunity as "a favorable juncture of circumstances". However, if there were an "unfavorable juncture of circumstances" can it not be so that opportunity can indeed arise from them? Is there a such thing as a BAD OPPORTUNITY? Can a "good" OPPORTUNITY not arise from "negative circumstances"? (If you do not believe it is so, then I invite you to read the story of Rosa Parks, or the events that led to the recent mortgage crisis, and countless other examples.)

The reason we should not label circumstances or opportunity in our lives as being good or bad is because, what we tell ourselves something IS, defines that thing in our MINDS, thus our subconscious mind creates a reality for us going forward. We then begin to become conditioned BY our circumstances and opportunity, instead of being creators OF our circumstance and opportunities. We run the risk of viewing something as GOOD to ourselves, even if that thing is very BAD for someone else.

Is a thing still "good", if its good to us, but bad for someone else? Who gets to decide? One can suppose that this definition of "good" depends on a individual's concern of other people's happiness, as it relates to the "thing" in question. For example, if I make billions of dollars selling diamonds to those who can afford them...that's GOOD for me, right? I made a lot of money and we all need money, so if I have MORE of what I NEED...then that's a good thing....right? But if my pursuit of profit leads to war, poverty, and slavery for millions of people, can I still call it GOOD? Circumstances aligned in such a way to create an opportunity for me, yet these same circumstances were devastating to many other people. My "opportunity", created "circumstance" for someone else. My action, created a reaction.

I believe that we have an obligation as citizens of this planet, to care about what happens to others as a result of our actions or lack thereof. When we begin to think about what we do not only in terms of how it affects us personally, but also how it affects others around us, we begin to look at our circumstances and opportunities a bit differently.

By all means, we should pursue what is good for us and our families. But we should also direct at least a small portion of our time, efforts, and talent to those who are less fortunate that we are, or even to those who are more fortunate than we are. Perhaps its a kind word to a stranger, an extra "thank you" to the gas station attendant, or you may decide to mentor a young adult, or give words of encouragement to a co-worker you've never spoken to before, or even an encouraging email or card to your boss.

Whatever you decide to do, you will undoubtedly be CREATING your own circumstance and thus your opportunity...not only for yourself, but for others as well. You will feel better about yourself, and get more out of your life. And that my friends...is ALL GOOD.

Video: Take off the Mask (Part 1)

2009-05-20T23:00:00.001-04:00

Relationship Advice....Take off the "mask"

2009-05-19T14:49:00.004-04:00

We all know how it generally goes in relationships. Guy meets girl, girl meets guy, they talk on the phone...send email or text messages back and forth...they end up going out on a "date" (or some other representation of that word)....they begin to grow comfortable with each other...a friendship becomes a relationship..."that girl" becomes "my girl" and vice-versa...everything seems to go smoothly, like two floating clouds in the sky slowly merging into one. Its a beautiful thing. Love is in the air, even if the words themselves aren't yet spoken.

Time goes on, and some things begin to change. Attitudes begin to change. Feelings begin to change.

Words begin to change between the man and woman. "I enjoy hearing your voice" turns into "You were supposed to call me back, why didn't you!"

A woman's conversation with one of her close friends goes from, "Girl, he is really a nice guy" to "Why won't he show me that he's committed to this?" to "This time next year...if I don't have a ring...I'm out, because I don't have time to play!".

A man's conversation with a close friend goes from, "Man, she is on point", to "Damn, she acts like I can't hang with my boys" to "Man, I don't think I can marry a woman who already has kids".

You may have been in a relationship before, which became so tumultuous toward the end as to cause you to wonder how much you REALLY knew about the person you were dating. Everything you thought you knew, seemed to melt away, and the person you ended up with was barely recognizable...at least emotionally. The entire relationship perhaps became unrecognizable from how it began. You used to be able to talk to each other, now everything seems to escalate into some sort of argument.

Perhaps it was a long-distance relationship, and the strain of not seeing each other regularly began to take its toll. Perhaps individual life goals changed, which made the two of you somehow incompatible. Perhaps there was constant jealousy and trust issues on either side. Maybe you asked yourself, after it was all over, "why did this happen?" or even more importantly, "how can I keep this type of thing from happening again?"

No one can tell you (and be telling the truth) that they have the "magic potion" to cure any and everything that ills relationships between a man and a woman. There is no pill you can take, no book you can read, no word from a relationship counselor that will guarantee that you can fix a broken relationship, or guarantee that a relationship will go smoothly without any problems, ever. Such a thing doesn't even happen in movies. But what I CAN tell you, is that there are things you can do to help keep a GOOD relationship from going BAD, a BAD relationship from ruining your life, and most importantly, how to even know the difference between good and bad when it comes to relationships.

However, all of these things will require some very simple, yet critical activity on your part.

First, I need you to be honest with yourself. And I'm not talking about the type of honesty that many of us use to LIE to ourselves. I'm talking BRUTALLY honest. The type of honesty you really don't want to hear, think or talk about. When its a little uncomfortable to think about it...that's when you know you are on the right track. This "uncomfortability" is part of the process...and you will come out better on the other end...trust me.

Secondly, if you choose to reply to these relationship posts (which I hope you will), and you SERIOUSLY want some advice, please try to be honest with me. My advice will probably not be helpful to you if you aren't honest about the situation up front. You never have to use your real name, and I would ask you to please refrain from using anyone else real name (defamation is a real legal term, and people have been known to sue...even on the internet). But if you need advice, please let the board know as much about your situation as possible, while still keeping it RELEVANT (key word).

If you need relationship advice but don't want to share on the entire blog, you can always email me: dame@malone-enterprises.com. I read all of my email, and should be able to get back to you within a day or so.

As you may know by now if you've read my blog, that I am interested in a LOT of different things, so I may not post advice about relationships every week. However, if it appears that the subject is getting a lot of attention, I will create another blog dedicated to the subject. That will be fun! I hope I'm able to do that!

So let's go with today's advice, and it is simply, "Take off the Mask". As I was mentioning earlier, in relationships between a man and woman, we meet, we communicate, we grow together, but there is also something else that we tend to do...we wear a mask. What I mean by "a mask", is that we tend to not show the person we are dating our true selves. In most cases, we show them the part that we most want them to see...at least initially. Afterwards, we tend to slowly reveal certain aspects of ourselves (likes, dislikes, disposition, character, attitudes, tendencies, wants, needs, desires, etc.). We keep those things to ourselves usually until we feel COMFORTABLE with sharing more and more of ourselves with that person.

Slowly and deliberately we begin to take off small pieces of the "mask"...but usually only the pieces that are most comfortable to us. If you are a man, and you are beginning to date a woman you like, you will tend to try to say all the "right" things, or at least what you THINK she wants to hear. You'll DO some of those things that you THINK she will appreciate. But how do you KNOW? How do you know she appreciates what you are doing? Most will respond by saying that you know appreciation from the words and actions of the other person. I agree, but this isn't always the case.

Some women don't care for flowers. I know most do...or at least the SAY they do...perhaps because if you are a woman, you are "supposed" to like flowers. But some don't care for them. What they DO care for is a word called...CONFIRMATION. ALL women LOVE confirmation. But much more about that in a later post.

I digress. A guy will do, in the beginning of a relationship, with a woman he really likes, what he either believes women like or enjoy, or what he was told by the woman he is dating that she likes or enjoys. The potential problem arises when that woman doesn't really know for sure what SHE likes (only what she is "supposed" to like, as a stereotypical woman), or worse, knows but isn't fully honest about what she likes. This is where the "mask" causes a problem. The gentleman goes about his business doing the things that he feels pleases his woman, but in reality, he isn't even "scratching the surface". This can go on for weeks, months, years, forever...and that guy NEVER truly knows about what makes his woman happy, what she wants, and what pleases her.

The reverse is also true for men. If you are a woman, and you have been in a relationship with a man for a while, lets say at least 2 years, if what you know about him NOW, about what his true likes and dislikes are, was revealed to you during the first 2 weeks of dating him, would you have stopped talking to him? Do you even really know what he REALLY likes...what REALLY pleases him? Do you think he's afraid to tell you? Hmmmm. :-) (We'll tackle that later too)

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that you let someone into the most inner-sanctum of your deepest thoughts on the first date. But what I am saying is that there are some basic, fundamental items you should have no problem discussing EARLY during the dating phase. I am saying that it is actually HELPFUL to both parties to know more about the REAL person they are dating.

For example, if you are looking for casual sex, and aren't quite ready for a dedicated relationship, then SAY SO. Nothing is wrong with YOU, but there IS if you lead someone down a path, that you had no intention of entering yourself. You will be surprised how well people deal with honesty...and how you may get what it is you are looking for. If you are into that sort of thing.

If you are looking for a wife or husband. SAY SO from the BEGINNING. Let there be no ambiguity in your statement. "I want a relationship, and it is my goal to be married in the next couple of years....is that what you want?" People tend to fear this type of honesty, especially early in the relationship, not realizing that this is the MOST IMPORTANT time do be honest. They fear "running" someone away, or appearing too forward, or if the other person will view them negatively. But these fears have the potential to erode a relationship later, because they were never addressed in the beginning.

Taking off the mask, requires honesty with yourself. With who you are, and what you want out of a relationship, and out of life. If you haven't worked out that part, then this won't help you much. Before you can be honest with anyone else, you have to be honest with yourself.

Sometimes the answer is "I don't know", and that's ok too. You're being honest about it, and that's what's important. That reminds me of a song I love...its called "Yes, I'm Ready", by Barbara Mason (later covered by Jeffery Osborne), some of the words are "I don't even know how to love you, just the way you want me to....but I'm ready to learn."

I'm excited about this journey. I really enjoy helping others in any way I can. This happens to be something that's I've always been pretty good at. So let me know what you think.

Holier Than Thou?

2009-05-19T08:38:00.004-04:00

I saw this story on a gospel music website, Gospel Music Bites.

Link: http://www.gospelmusicbites.com/2009/04/01/donnie-mcclurkin-disgusted-with-pastoral-excesses/

Here is the article in its entirety:

This past week, popular preacher, recording artist and pastor, Donnie McClurkin, went on record to declare his deep disappointment with what he sees as pastoral abuses in the body of Christ. His comments has raised a legitimate question about abuse and excesses in the body of Christ and has brought attention to a topic that has largely been ignored in the church community.

In an article appearing in Essence this past week Pastor McCLurkin is quoted as saying:

“As pastors, we have to link arms and have bi-partisanships. The [Black] church has always been the face of the community. Now we have to take on the responsibility of becoming true servants to the people from all walks of life. I get so mad when I see these pimpin’ preachers driving Rolls-Royces, Bentleys, flying around in their private jets, and making it seem like prosperity and money is the way of God when 90 percent of your congregation is on Section 8 or can’t figure out how they are going to keep their lights on or feed their kids. I’m big on perception, and what would it look like for me to live so lavishly if the people in my church are struggling?” says Pastor Donnie McClurkin in the article.”

In venting his frustration over the behavior of some in the church community, Pastor Donnie McCLurkin reveals his own humility and sense of service to God and God’s people, by outlining his own relationship, financial and otherwise, with his church and his refusal to take revenue from a congregation that he has built from the ground up.

“I’ve done great in gospel music, and only a few of us have accomplished what I have, and guess what? I live in the ‘hood, not some place on the outskirts of the ‘hood. There ain’t no gate around my house; I have a white fence because the people I pastor live in that community. I have one vehicle and it’s not a Mercedes, it’s a Lincoln Navigator. I don’t receive a dime—not an Abraham Lincoln copper coin—and haven’t for the last seven-and-a-half years because I’m okay.” he tells Kenya Byrd of Essence Magazine.

As such, Pastor Donnie McCLurkin has become a model and an example for others to emulate. His mentality and actions, that places a greater emphasis on service than profit, can only be admired by all of those who love the Lord and are seeking to do his will to the best of their ability. Pastor McCLurkin makes it clear that he has options, but chooses to live a modest and humble lifestyle because that what God has called him to do.

If I wanted to buy a Phantom or Bentley I could and not hurt my pockets, but I’m okay with what I have. I can sing and work and I let all that money go back into the church so we can buy the delicatessen on the corner, or the house next door to make it state-of-the-art low-income housing. We’ve trained our people to put their leaders on pedestals, and some people want to live vicariously through their pastor and say, “My pastor has this and he’s on television and so on,” but then what do you have? How have you prospered and grown? So when I hear other pastors say, “My people take care of me,” I’m thinking, But you’re supposed to be taking care of the people. I just don’t get it. Pastor McCLurkin goes on to say.says McClurkin.

What is best gleaned from the wisdom and honesty of Pastor McCLurkin is his healthy attitude about the church and who it belongs to. His “ecclesiology”, which is worthy of our consideration, perhaps best represents what Christ had in mind when he gave pastors to the body of Christ in the first place.

I don’t have a church, but I do have a church that I pastor. I can’t name something the Donnie McClurkin Temple because the people do not belong to me and if they did that would mean I have slaves. I am simply a vessel to deliver God’s word. At the end of the day, it’s God’s church, not mine. advises Pastor McCLurkin.

Here is my take. Part of me applauds Pastor McClurkin’s stance on excesses behind the pulpit, however I can’t help but consider his comments a bit self-serving and somewhat hypocritical. Pastor McClurkin doesn’t have to take a salary from the church because he’s a successful recording artist. When you are already “well off” and don’t need the money, then forgive me if I don’t see the incredible humilty in not taking any money from the church. In the words of my mother, “whoopty doo”.

That’s the self-serving part. Let’s talk about the hypocritical part. I’ve seen Pastor McClurkin perform as a recording artist, on programs on TBN and others that support the excessive lifestyle of the very church leaders that he is being critical of. I didn’t see him speaking out against this then. I’m sure he has sung at some of these very churches, and I’m also quite sure that HE received HIS fee! Interesting. Why not refuse the money? Don’t take money from the very churches of the pastors you are now attacking.

What do you think?

Dame

Relationship advice: Seek first to understand...

2009-05-15T08:29:00.005-04:00

I recently had a conversation with one of my cousins about the ubiquitous subject of LOVE and RELATIONSHIPS. She was a recent divorcee' and had gone through a very hard time in her marriage. She had dealt with constant infidelity and abuse from her spouse, and the resulting pressure had placed her in a spiral of depression. She was explaining to me how she was a good woman, a "real" woman, that would do anything for her man, but the resulting disaster in her marriage had left her with questions about how to deal with men in the future. She is in a new relationship, one that she values a great deal, but I could sense that there was still some level of trepidation, as in my opinion, there are unresolved issues in the past relationship, that have the potential to permeate through the current relationship, if they haven't already done so.

When I am talking to someone about relationships, whether past, present or even future (which tends to happen quite often for some reason), I'm very careful to listen to the WORDS that the individual uses to describe certain aspects of their relationships. The words a person uses to describe their feelings tell us VOLUMES, not only about the situation being described, but about the person. You just have to be a good listener, and look for the clues. There are many ways to do this, and I won't go into the litany of ways clues can be deciphered, but I will give a couple of examples, briefly.

Everyone knows that there are positive words and negative ones. The words we use not only convey emotion, but they elicit it. The words we use to express ourselves are not only transmitters of our emotions and feelings TO others, but they can also bring about certain emotions and feelings IN others. The words and phrases we use to describe our point of view can get very complex. Not from the perspective of using "big" words, but HOW those words are used in context, and WHY a person uses certain words to describe their feelings. For example, if two people are having a conversation, and one person says "What you don't understand is...", they are utilizing an assumptive phrase which has the tendency to create defensiveness in the other person, and frequently adds unneeded layers to the conversation. When unnecessary layers are added to a conversation, we run the risk of adding "points of disagreement" to the conversation, which can turn the conversation to a full blown argument.

My cousin mentioned something very interesting to me when describing a situation in her current relationship. Her boyfriend had described her as controlling. He made a small yet very common mistake here, but I'll get to that part in a bit. My cousin's initial response to her boyfriends statement of her being controlling was to state, "I'm not controlling". She went on to explain that just because she was mature, confident, and was a "no-nonsense" type of person, did not mean she was "controlling".

Perhaps the readers of this can easily see the fallacies in the words from BOTH parties, particularly my cousin (or perhaps not, but that's ok...that's why I'm here). When she responded with "I'm not controlling", she missed an opportunity to better understand WHY her boyfriend felt the way that he did. Instead of a better understanding, my cousin became defensive, and immediately gave reasons to WHY she was NOT controlling.

I then explained to her that in the future, she should not miss these opportunities to better understand why her boyfriend feels the way that he does, if she wants to have a healthy relationship. Instead of getting defensive, she should seek to better understand WHY her boyfriend feels the way that he does. If I were counseling her boyfriend, I would explain to him that one should never use a negative word to DESCRIBE the other person, only the ACTION. For example, I shouldn't say that someone is "mean", "controlling", or "stubborn", rather I should say that the actions that the person is displaying are "mean", "controlling", or "stubborn" to ME. This creates an OBJECT that can be the focus of discussion and/or disagreement, instead of that focus being the individuals themselves. We discuss the ACTIONS (or lack thereof) instead of the INDIVIDUAL.

I further explained to my cousin, that from the perspective of better understanding another person, it doesn't matter whether she was actually "controlling" or not. It was irrelevant. The only thing that mattered was that her boyfriend felt that way. So instead of arguing that she is NOT controlling...the better use response would be to ask why he felt that way. But again, when he used a negative word to describe HER as a person, defensiveness is a common result. And nothing gets understood or solved.

Remember, words not only convey emotion, but they elicit emotion. Be very careful of the words you are using with your partner in your relationship. Make it a practice to never use a negative word to DESCRIBE your partner, as these words can be escalators, and lead to unnecessary defensiveness and arguments. Instead, understand how a situation or circumstance made you FEEL, then use constructive words to describe the ACTIONS or SITUATION to the person. The result will hopefully be a more productive conversation and will allow trials and tribulations to actually help BUILD the relationship, instead of tearing it down.

I trust this was helpful to someone. Please subscribe to my blog, as I will be updating frequently and you can be notified. Thanks.

Dame

A small tip...

2009-05-07T14:42:00.002-04:00

Your entrepreneurial opportunity lies where your passions and skills intersect. This is a statement that came to me while speaking with a friend of mine about her entrepreneurial aspirations. It makes a lot of sense to me. I'm a proponent of doing what you LOVE to do, and finding a way to make a living (or more than) from it. To me, it is much better than attempting to do something because you could possibly make a great deal of money from it. That's not enough. At least not to me. I have a strong need to ENJOY what I do...the monetary gain is a secondary issue, in my opinion.

I've seen so many smart, well-educated, well-intentioned, people get caught up in a "business" that they really don't even care for, just to see themselves flounder after a short period of time, or lose interest altogether when things don't go well initially.

For example, if you don't truly ENJOY everything about real estate (or at least most things), then you'll want to consider that fact before looking to become a real estate agent. Reason being is that there are too many excellent real estate agents who have dedicated their time, talent and entire career to the profession, for a potential client to choose to work with an agent who can "take it or leave it". You run the risk of feeling like a failure when everything doesn't go well....but it would be your OWN responsibility, and you'd only have yourself to "blame". You wouldn't have failed because you weren't smart, or a good salesperson, or had enough knowledge about real estate....you would run the risk of failure because if you don't enjoy something, it is difficult to give it the time, attention and dedication necessary to be the BEST at that thing.

This is certainly not about "CAN" or "CAN'T". You CAN do whatever you believe you can do, but that alone doesn't make you GOOD at it. You must practice, practice, practice. Are you willing? Its been said that it takes 10,000 hours of practice of a task to become an EXPERT at it. Ten-thousand hours basically boils down to 3-4 hours a day, everyday, for 10 years. Are you willing to dedicate that amount of time, just to become GOOD at something. Rain, sleet, snow, tired, sleepy, dishes not washed, house needs cleaning, job, television, internet...whatever the reasons are that would keep you from becoming proficient at what you enjoy doing will always be there...and they don't stop eating away at your dreams. Can you fight it? Can you get up when you don't FEEL like getting up? Will you give up when it gets difficult? Really difficult?

When you love what you do, you'll do it with no excuses. You'll do it in your spare time. You know what you need to know about how to do it. You can teach others how to do it. Whatever IT is. So focus on doing that thing. The thing intersects at your passion and skills.

Dame

Knowledge of Purpose

2009-05-04T16:14:00.003-04:00

As I sit here on the hotel balcony in Myrtle Beach, looking at the waves crashing against the shore, it boggles the mind to know that there are literally billions and billions of grains of sand on this beach, and trillions of grains of sand on all the beaches in all the world, yet this pales in comparison to the number of stars in our universe!

What further astonishes me is that each of the trillions of grains of sand on the beaches of this planet, and each of the trillions of trillions of stars in the universe are unique from one another. No two are exactly the same. Neither sand on the beach, nor star in the sky, cares that they are different from one another. The fact that they are different, does not change WHAT they are, nor what they are created to do. They do what they do. Whether its a grain of sand blowing in the wind, or a star that is revolving around a black hole in the center of a huge galaxy.

As human beings, we are all different, yet we are the same. We all have things that make us happy or sad, we have fears and doubts, we have gifts and talents. We are billions of times MORE alike than we are different, yet we focus most of our time, effort, energy, and life force on our differences and we tend to use these differences to create labels and boundaries that chain and bind us. Almost as if though we are stunting our own evolution as a species.

When I begin to think of the needless suffering and built-in inefficiencies of our world, I can't help but wonder when, if ever, we will begin to see what we are doing to each other and ourselves, and begin to make changes that, for many of us, go against everything we have grown to know and believe about our world.

I am in the midst of my own "evolution". I am changing in ways that I not only never thought was possible, but in ways I never do so willingly. My mind has expanded so much over the past year (I suppose having a child will do that to you), that I can sometimes hardly recognize my thoughts and opinions. Being a father has helped me to realize how much my OWN unimportance, makes me ALL IMPORTANT to my son. And instead of so much focus on what I want, I have been letting go of many childish and foolish things, and becoming the man I always thought I could be...I would be.

I feel that I know what I'm here to do. I love helping people, I love inspiring and motivating, and helping people reach their goals. I want to GIVE not TAKE, as there are enough TAKERS in the world. But mostly, I want to leave a positive mark on this world, so that one day when my son is my age, he will tell me one day that "no son ever had a better father".

Dame

Selling more with LESS

2008-11-13T07:51:00.002-05:00

If you own a business, whether you think you are or not, you are a salesperson. You may or may not be very good at the process of selling, but you are a seller nonetheless. For those entrepreneurs that are fortunate enough to have a high performing sales force, more time can then be devoted by the owners to the overall operations of the business. However, for many business owners who do not have a sales force, or those owners that find themselves with a sales force that is not performing to the expectations or goals of the business, acquiring the revenue to fund continuing operations, much less to grow, can be a daunting prospect, especially in these economic times. These business owners many times find themselves in the precarious situation of either quickly improving the performance of the existing sales force, expanding their sales force, or trying to sell their products and services themselves, in addition to running the day-to-day business operations.

For owners of very small businesses, selling their own products and services is the norm, as there often is no sales team on which to rely for more revenue. Many small businesses cannot begin to afford the cost of managing and maintaining a sales force, only to HOPE that those sellers bring in the needed revenue to fund business operations. So how does a business owner become better at the process of selling, without losing sight of running the overall business? Here are some tips for those small business owners that find themselves in this situation.

1. Know thyself: What does your company REALLY offer your customers? For example, if you own an insurance company, you don’t sell insurance, you sell “piece of mind” and “security”. If you are a travel agent, you don’t sell “trips” you sell “fun, rest and relaxation”. It’s never the product or service, it’s about what the product or service DOES for your clients.
2. Have an “elevator pitch”: Every business owner should have a 10-second and a 30-second statement that explains what your company does, and what problem your product or service solves for your clients. Everyone in the company must commit these statements to memory, so that they flow easily when spoken to a potential client. The key is to be clear and concise while focusing on your value to your potential clients.
3. Leverage your relationships: Everybody knows somebody, and there is a good chance that someone you know, is aware of someone else that could use your product or service. There are free business networking services, such as LinkedIn and Facebook, that can help business owners capitalize on their existing relationships, and build networks to help those businesses reach potential decision makers easier and more efficiently.

Following these steps will go a long way in helping you business sell more without increasing your cost.

Understanding this Economy, and its Hidden Opportunities (Part I)

2008-09-27T12:23:00.000-04:00

For those of us who do not possess a Doctorate in Economics from Yale University, some of the recent developments coming out of Wall Street concerning our economy has the potential to be somewhat confusing. All this talk we hear on the news of bailouts, liquidity, asset valuation, subprime, credit crunch, and the U. S. Federal Reserve (FED), can leave the everyday person scratching their heads, wondering, “how does all of this affect me?” What the everyday person knows for sure, is that gas and grocery prices are soaring and it is getting harder and harder to pay other bills such as the mortgage, lights, car, etc.

So what do the recent developments on Wall Street really mean for those of us who are already finding it more difficult to make ends meet? What about those of us who don’t watch the stock market every day, because we’re too busy watching our gas tanks go down and wondering which gas station hasn’t run out of fuel, so we can have the privilege to wait in line for 45 minutes and pay $4.50 a gallon just to get to work? It can be hard to care so deeply about Lehman Brothers when we have brothers and sisters who are getting laid off. And why should I be so concerned about AIG, when the only “G”s I see, are those coming out of my paycheck every month at an ever-increasing rate?

Well, one reason we need to understand what these latest economic developments mean to us, is so that we can be in position and prepared for the financial opportunity that will present itself in the near future. Yes, I did say opportunity. If you haven’t paid much attention to the economy or the stock market before, now is a great time to begin to familiarize yourself with what is happening right now, and more importantly, what you can do about your own personal financial situation in light of these developments.

The analysts on Wall Street can make all of this economic talk sound so complicated, however it doesn’t have to be that way. Especially when we apply basic everyday principles and a little common-sense, and apply them to our finances.

Energy is neither created nor destroyed, it is merely transferred from one place to another. This is the Law of Conservation that most of us learned in our 7th grade science class. So what does this science law tell me about the current economic crisis? Well, substitute ‘energy’ with ‘wealth’, and you find that wealth too is neither created nor destroyed, but it is also transferred from one place to the next. When I buy a good or service, my money (part of my wealth) is transferred from my wallet, to the provider of that good or service. If I own a home, part of my wealth is composed of the equity that I own in that home (perceived value minus what is owed), however, if the value (or perceived value) of that home goes down, for whatever reason, my wealth will also decrease (all other factors remaining constant).

The same is true in the stock market. When I own stock in a company, I then own a piece (albeit a very small one) of that company, and this stock is now part of my wealth. However if the value of that company goes down, for whatever reason (scandal, bad business practices, bad investment decisions, etc.), the price of their stock will go down, and so will my wealth.

Ok, this is all basic stuff, but that leaves one question…I know my wealth left me, but where did the wealth go in the previous examples, since we said that wealth is neither created nor destroyed? Very good question, and to answer that question, one must first truly understand wealth, value, and ownership, as they are joined at the hip.

Wealth takes on many different forms, tangible and intangible, things we can see, and things we cannot, but it is simply what you own (cash, real estate, stocks, vehicles, furniture, etc.) minus what you owe (mortgage, car note, credit card payments, etc.). So if you own more than you owe…you have wealth, and the degree to which you own more than you owe determines how much wealth you actually have. But here is where one has to be careful, because it is here where ‘value’ creeps into the picture. When I own an asset such as a home, it has value to me, because it serves some purpose for me (shelter). However its value in the overall economy is limited to what someone else is willing to give up for it in exchange...usually cash. So when an asset is plentiful, its value in the economy decreases (and its price), so if people are losing their homes in your neighborhood because they can no longer afford keep them…that’s right, the value of the other homes in that neighborhood will also go down.

The banks and mortgage companies (who really owned the homes in the first place) are now left “holding the bag”. Well, it’s more like 1.3 million bags, which is the number of U.S. foreclosures in 2007, according to Realty-Trac Inc. And as you probably guessed by now, this is quite a problem for the banks and mortgage companies as the “bags” they are holding are worth less today, than they were yesterday, which means the banks and other financial institutions are worth less than they were before, as their ability to generate income from loans (among other factors) has decreased. Because these financial institutions can’t make as much money, and they are holding assets that have dramatically decreased in value, individuals and institutions that owned stock in these companies decided to sell (rightfully so), thereby reducing the value (price) of the stock. The result is a domino effect that has partially led to the economic situation we are currently facing. Add-in ever increasing energy prices and spending $10 billion a month in Iraq, and we have ourselves a “perfect storm” for an economic crisis.

So where did the “wealth” go, since it never disappears? Well, much of it goes overseas to other countries. According to the latest figures by the U.S. Department of Treasury, the U.S. national debt is $9.6 Trillion dollars. That figure represents amount of money the U.S. government has borrowed to keep the economy going up to this point. We owe China and Japan $1 Trillion alone. So when the country has to “bailout” a failing financial institution like AIG or Bear Stearns, because of the mortgage crisis, the money comes from taxes or debt. Either way, the US taxpayer eventually gets the bill. That would be you and I.

So now that we understand better how all of this works, where is the opportunity? The opportunity lies in how and with whom we spend our money. Institutions who have made their wealth off the backs of the less fortunate for over 100 years, are crumbling before our very eyes in a matter of days. It is the proverbial “chickens coming home to roost” syndrome, that Wall Street is facing at this juncture. Assets such as real estate and stocks are about to be as “cheap” as they are going to be for a long time. Wealth is about ownership, but for too long we’ve transferred our wealth to those who owned everything around us, but didn’t really care much about us. However, the playing field is about to even-up, but we must be prepared to take our rightful place in this economy. Now more than ever, we must invest in and spend our money with minority businesses. Especially those minority businesses that give back to and support our communities. However this requires some hard choices for some of us. We must be very careful about how we spend our money, and truly separate our wants from our needs. We must be smarter than our own country, and stop excessive wasteful spending so we won’t have to borrow as much money. The less debt we have, the less we pay in interest, and the more we can invest. Most of us have some small changes we can make that will make a huge difference in our ability to gain wealth and come out on the other side of this struggling economy better than we when we entered. But the time is now. So what will you change today?

Networking at the Black Enterprise Dealmakers' Expo

2008-05-21T14:51:00.004-04:00

Last week Black Enterprise Magazine hosted its annual Dealmakers' Expo in Charlotte. It was the first time in its 13 year history that the Expo was held in the Queen City. Usually the conference is either in Dallas or Atlanta. Of course, since it was in Charlotte where I live, I wanted to make sure I participated. I had long heard about this conference for minority and diverse businesses, and was very eager to participate. I was a exhibitor for the conference, which meant I had a booth in which to display my materials relating to my business.

I had been looking forward to this particular conference for several months. Getting everything prepared...my tradeshow display, brochures, mailers, etc. And it wasn't cheap! lol Anyway, the opportunity to mingle and "network" with other minority businesses like mine appealed to me, and I wanted to make the best of it.

While registering for the event on the first day, I was interviewed by a local news reporter, Steve Crump. You can see that interview here (copy and paste the link to your browser):

http://www.wbtv.com/global/video/popup/pop_playerLaunch.asp?vt1=v&clipFormat=flv&clipId1=2488991&at1=News&h1=Black Enterprise

I don't think they got my best side. lol

The expo ended up being a great experience. I focused on how many people I could help, instead of trying to get new clients. So when someone approached me, instead of spouting out about MY business and what I did, I would ask them about their business. While they were giving me their spiel, I would listen intently and very carefully to the words they were using to describe their company. After they were finished, I would ask them some questions about their company, that they probably don't hear very often like, "What specifically makes your company different or unique from EVERY other company who is in your field?" Surprisingly, very few of these business owners could answer that question without giving me a "general" answer like "we take care of our customers..." or "we are very good at what we do" or "we provide (insert list here)..."

So I took that opportunity to give them advice on how to present their company in such a way as to accentuate the uniqueness of it in the first few sentences. I provided a mini-consultation (2-3 minutes) that I felt would increase their marketability dramatically, especially in the setting we were in. I received a very good response from just about all of the business owners I spoke with (had to be over 30 companies). Most were very open to objective and constructive criticism, especially in the manner I delivered it.

I figured it was better for me to SHOW them what I did, versus going through the whole list. I'd love to tell you I signed a lot of contracts over those 3 days, and people were just hypnotized by my abilities and threw money at my company, but it just didn't happen that way. However, I didn't feel like the conference was a failure, I really felt that it was a success. I guess the feeling you get from helping others, when you know they don't have the money to pay you, builds up "Reputational Capital", which in many cases is the best form of capital you can have. I want to be known for helping people and businesses...its what my company is all about and to get paid for it, doesn't hurt either. lol

Keeping my foot on the plow!

Dame

Just keep it real.

2008-05-03T06:43:00.005-04:00

I admit, I am a Political junkie. Even before this political season, you would be hard pressed to pull me away from CNN or MSNBC as it related to politics of any kind. I am a self-described "political pundit", and I've been that way for quite a few years now. However, this time, its really taken everything in my being to not jump through the television and choke some of these "political analysts" on the major cable networks. And since jumping through the television would only result in having to buy a new TV, shouting at the TV is what I'm left with.

So why am I so irritated? Where do I begin. Let's start with the coverage of the Rev. Wright situation. For the last 2 months, we have been subjected to seemingly 24 hour a day 7 day a week coverage of Barack Obama and "The Reverend Wright". Day after day after day, it seemed to be the ONLY thing the networks wanted to cover. Now don't get me wrong, its a story no doubt, but really is it more important than Healthcare, Education, Iraq, etc???

The answer to that question depends on who you ask and their motives. In this political environment, especially this time around, everybody has an "angle". From the Cable Networks, to the Candidates, to the Voters, everybody has a motivation for the decisions they make. For the Networks, its ratings...pure and simple. Because nothing sells more than SEX and RACE. So since there is not a lot of sex this time around (Sorry Mr. Clinton), then RACE is the next best thing for the networks to pounce all over. From network specials on "a conversation of race", to a new show on MSNBC called "RACE to the White House", its ALL RACE ALL THE TIME. Because they know the viewers are somewhat tired of it, but cannot turn away. The Rev. Wright issue, gave the networks their mealticket on a silver platter. So for the last two months they and others have posed the question, "We need to know more about Barack Obama..and his relationship with Rev. Wright..."

Now in his speech in Philadelphia on "race in America", Obama answered every conceivable question on the Rev. Wright issue. But that didn't stop the same questions from being asked over the next couple of months. Over and over, all I heard was.."why did he stay in his church?" And all I could think was..."isn't Church a personal choice...why does he have to answer for that?" But then I realized something. I realized that this is a game being played. Let me break it down.

See, most White individuals never REALLY cared about Obama's relationship with Rev. Wright. Nope. Not at all. They didn't even care to know more about Rev. Wright than the few snippets on YouTube they saw over and over again. That's all they cared to know. They ONLY wanted Obama to DENOUNCE his Pastor. That is ALL. They weren't looking for any sort of explanation of his relationship. And you could tell, because they kept asking the same questions over and over that had been answered by Obama at least 20 times a piece.

But here is what's deep. If you are the type of person, that would NOT vote for someone because of something their Pastor said, then you were NEVER going to vote for them ANYWAY. NEVER. Those individuals were just looking for a reason NOT to vote for Obama, and NOT feel like they were doing it based on him being a Black man. Trust, if it wasn't Rev. Wright, then it would have been Resko, if not Resko, it would have been a flag pin, if not a flag pin, it would have been SOMETHING...ANYTHING, no matter how SILLY the issue, as long as Whites weren't against him because of his race. You know...they don't want to feel "racist" in any way. Regardless of the reality.

My question is...if you don't want a Black man as President of the US, then just say so! That is your right as an American, isn't it? You can vote or not vote for ANYONE for ANY REASON. Just keep it real. All I ask is that you don't base it on some STUPID/SILLY reason that has nothing to do with Healthcare, Iraq, etc, and try to cloak your true reasoning, which is ALL RACE...ALL THE TIME. Just keep it real. I would respect that more. Really. Just say it, White America..."I don't feel comfortable with a Black President". See how easy that was. Now you can breathe deeply, and let go of all the stress and consternation. But at least we can stop kidding ourselves that we have gotten beyond Black and White in this country. Most of our problem on race is how much we pretend its not a factor in decision making.

When we start keeping it real on "race", then we can begin the "healing" process. But when we bury it, or cloak it, or talk about it for sensational reasons or for ratings, that's when we move backward as a Nation.

No, every Black person isn't voting for Obama because he's Black. No, every White person who is voting for Hillary or McCain isn't racist. But if you are voting for Barack because he's Black...are you wrong? if not then the same thing would apply to a White person who votes along their race....they wouldn't be wrong either. The problem comes when you disguise your intentions and base it on some frivolous issue and try to destroy someone because you don't want to admit your own racist views.

Just keep it real.

Seperate but Equal??? Hmmmm...

2008-04-19T06:44:00.001-04:00

If you are not familiar with this issue, and you have children that are school age, then this post should interest you greatly.

In many school districts across the country, in the effort to achieve racial diversity within individual schools, those districts have instituted an student assignment policy based on the race of the students in that particular school district. The assignment plan differs somewhat per district, and can be somewhat complex, however within this plan, students are assigned to schools outside of the neighborhood in which they live, based on some pre-determined method of selection.

For example, in Seattle, a White student by the name of Joshua, by assignment policy of the local school board, was assigned to a school outside of the one in his neighborhood. The assigned school had a higher concentration of Black students, so by board rule, White students like Joshua would be sent to this school in order to achieve a more "acceptable" balance of White and Non-White students.

The parents of students like Joshua, called foul, and took the local school board to court. The parents felt that their Constitutional rights (14th amendment--Equal Protection) were being infringed upon by the school board. According to the parents, little Joshua should not be made to attend another school outside of the one in his neighborhood strictly because of his race.

Now, lets pause here, and let me take you back to Topeka, Kansas, 1954. Segregation was rampant in the United States and Topeka was no different. Because of the segregation policy of the local school board in Topeka, a little girl, Linda Brown, had to walk 6 blocks to catch a school bus which took her (another mile) to an all-Black school, while another all-White school was only 7 blocks from her house. Oliver Brown, father of Linda Brown, along with 13 other Black parents, sued the local school board asserting that the policy of segregation by race violated their 14th Amendment right (remember that amendment?) which again provided Equal Protection under the Constitution. As I'm sure you all know the result, the Supreme Court was unanimous in its decision that "separate education facilities are inherently unequal".

The reason I bring up Brown vs. Board of Education, was to highlight the dichotomy of decisions made by the Supreme Court as they relate to the education of our children, but just as important, how issues surrounding race and equality are dealt with in our country. Our Supreme Court members are nominated by the President, and confirmed by the Senate. It is, of course, the highest court in the land, and what they say is final. They argue on issues that involve the U.S. Constitution, and are supposed to be impartial to the rule of law. However, they all have differences of how they "interpret" the Constitution, and that, my friends, is where it gets sticky!

These "interpretations" made by the members of the Court generally fall within "liberal" and "conservative" lines. Based on recent decisions made by the Court members, 5 are "Conservative" and 4 are "Liberal". So why is this important?....well I'll tell you why....the President has been in the position to put 2 conservative members of the Court in the last couple of years, swinging the balance from 5/4 liberal to conservative, to where it stands now 4/5 liberal to conservative. So when issues like the most recent case in Seattle come up, you already know what the ruling will be before the decision is even made. The ruling in with the school board in Seattle was already set up when those 2 conservative justices were confirmed. Its Chess, not Checkers. Affirmative Action is next....you better believe it!

Now, many Blacks, especially those in the Congressional Black Caucus are outraged by the Court's decision that the diversity efforts of school boards that only factor race in school assignments are unconstitutional. But the real issue isn't schools and diversity, and if we are playing checkers, it may appear that way....but NOOOOO....that's not the REAL issue at all. The REAL issue here is ECONOMIC AND SOCIAL EMPOWERMENT, and many Blacks will miss it, because they'll be too busy arguing where their kid goes to school (which is a valid concern, don't get me wrong). But the economic and social issues that lie underneath here are critical, and we have to understand them if we are going to be playing chess, not checkers, which again...is the game.

Alright, alright, allow me to further explain. Lets go to the basis of the issue. If you are Black and you have school-age children, or will have them, I want you to ask yourself a question, and be honest, "why is it important that my Black child go to school with White children?" Think about it for a minute. Why is that important, if it is? The most common answer would be "because it is the only way I feel that I can guarantee equality in my child's education. I think mostly or all White schools have better facilities, better teachers, and a overall better quality education experience."

Ask yourself another question, "why don't I have a problem with White students going to school with my Black child--in my all or mostly Black school--in my all or mostly Black neighborhood--but its seems that White parents DETEST the thought of their child going to that same school regardless of how far away it is?" I'll give you my answer, and forgive me for shouting............BECAUSE EVERYBODY KNOWS IT AIN'T EQUAL...THAT'S WHY!!!!!!! Eh hem....again I apologize....but those words had been building for a while. Ok, back to my point....

Why are these "Black" schools seemingly less than equal to those "White" schools? Do they have more computers in the White schools than in the Black schools? Is the building in the White school more sturdily built than in the Black school? Hmmmm. How about the size of the lockers, are they bigger in the White schools? Hmmm. It must be the textbooks, they use different textbooks in the White schools...wait a minute...excuse me...oh I'm sorry....they don't? My bad, I stand corrected. So the answer to all the preceding was, of course, no (generally). So what is the issue? Why are the schools not equal?

The schools aren't equal, because our neighborhoods aren't equal. Our neighborhoods are unequal, because ECONOMICALLY we are unequal. Our economics are unequal because largely our opportunities, access to capital, and ownership, is unequal. Those items are unequal because our EDUCATION has been unequal. But is our education unequal because of the schools? No. I stop there. I don't believe that is the reason. For me to believe that is the reason, I would have to concede that I cannot do anything about MY OWN education or the education of others in my community. But on the contrary....something can be done.

We have to take CONTROL of the education of our children and to that matter, our own education. Because it is the KEY to all of those previous economic items I mentioned, it is TOO important for me to leave to someone else to ensure for me. Its time for us to stop looking to the Supreme Court, Congress, or anyone else to help us. They are NOT going to help you. Not until we start playing Chess. Not until we have economic and social empowerment. Not until we start using the power of our vote, but more importantly, the power of our WILL to affect change in our communities. See, if we can concentrate on education for our kids, and take it upon ourselves to make "our" schools better (starting with YOUR child and YOUR P.T.A.), then decisions like the one made recently by the Supreme Court cease to become a "gnasher" of teeth for us.

If you don't have kids, think about taking some time out and volunteering to tutor a child or mentor a child. There are programs like Junior Achievement, which teach business acumen to our kids at an early age. Black and White kids. Is your school using this program? We need to start asking questions. We need to start expecting and preparing for SUCCESS! We need NOT get bogged down in a fight on how many White kids go to schools in Black neighborhoods and vice-versa. We don't largely even go to church together, but no one is complaining about that, right? You still get your praise on, don't you? You don't feel your Pastor is inferior because he's a certain color, right? You work to promote the Kingdom of God, do you not? So take that attitude and let's work to further the education of our children. And lets teach them how to play "Chess"....not just "Checkers". ;-)

Is it too much to ask to get GOOD SERVICE??!?

2008-02-14T06:03:00.003-05:00

My wife and I went to a restaurant for lunch the other day, which is an event for us, because our schedules don't always allow for it. She wanted to try out a new restaurant in town, Red Robin, because she heard they had pretty good gourmet burgers. Being always game for a new eating experience and of course no stranger to burgers, I said "cool...let's go".

So we get there, and its pretty early for lunch...around 11:20 or so. There weren't many people in the restaurant. The host greeted us, showed us to our seat, and informed us that our server would be right over to take our order. So as we salivated over the juicy pictures of gourmet burgers and fajitas on our menus, we were anxiously anticipating what would hopefully be a very good meal.

Two minutes past...my wife is still looking at her menu...trying to figure out what she wants to eat. I'm looking around wondering where our server is. And if you know me...I'm pretty much expecting for someone to be taking my drink order within 2 minutes. Another two minutes past by....my wife...patient as always...is still checking out the menu, oblivious to my growing frustration.

After the 5th minute, and after 2 servers pass my table without as much as a hello, I spring into action. I walk up to the front of the restaurant and ask to speak with the manager. The very nice hostess walked me over to a gentlemen hunched over some papers at one of the tables DIRECTLY ACROSS FROM OURS. I actually noticed that same gentleman when I first walked in. He instructed one of the servers to help us, and assured us we would be taken care of. When I got back to my seat, my wife, gives me that look she always gives me when something like this happens. She says, "Dame, are you going to start again"...I say, "No, of course not, but someone should have taken our drink order or spoken to us by now."

Immediately the guy that originally sat us, was the one now taking our order. I asked him what happened, and he said that one of the waitresses told him this WASN'T her table. (She could have at least spoken to us...but I digress) So he assures us everthing will be fine, takes our order and that's that.
But that's not that....this tall guy walks over and asks us how everything is going. I said, "Fine, but it took some time for someone to take our order". He explained that he is actually the manager, and that the individual who sat us there should not have done so. This of course piqued my interest, so I asked him "why wouldn't someone sit here...its lunchtime?" He said that this is an "open" section, and the person that is supposed to work it isn't at work yet.

I give him a look of confusion. As a manager, isn't HE responsible for making sure everyone knows where to seat the customers, and to make sure the servers are taking care of them? Isn't that what management is? Not to mention, he walked by our table twice, spoke to a patron next to our table but didn't come by to check on us. You know I made him aware of this fact. He told me he THOUGHT someone had already been helping us. Ok.....

See if you have been a frequent visitor to this blog, you know something about me. You know that you can fool SOME of the people ALL of the time, and ALL of the people SOME of the time.... BUT YOU CAN'T FOOL DAME NONE OF THE TIME.

Have you caught the lie yet in this manager's statement? I hope you have, but if not, let me help break it down for you. If the manager is telling me that NO ONE is supposed to be sitting where we were sitting in the restraunt....how could he then see us sitting there and ASSUME that someone had helped us???? How can both be possible at the same time? Why didn't he correct the seating arrangement when he SAW us there. I'll tell you why....BECAUSE HE WAS LYING in the first place. But worse than lying...he blamed it on one of his employees, when its HIS responsibility.

But of course, I let it go at this point and just told him "Ok", but I gave him a look that you give someone when you don't believe a word coming out of their mouth. The server/host that he threw under the bus, stayed professional throughout the entire situation, and focus on giving us top notch service. So after paying for our $9 gourmet burgers (which were off the chain by the way), I gave him a $20 tip.

My wife kept wondering why I can't let situations like these slide. But if I were by myself, I would have just left after 3 minutes. However since I was with my wife, and I knew she REALLY wanted to eat there, I immediately went into "I'm going to handle things for us" mode. Its not like this is McDonald's or something, where I'm buying off the dollar menu and you just gotta get in where you fit in. If I'm paying 9 dollars for a burger, I expect to have my drink order taken within 2 minutes of sitting down. My rationale is that there are TOO many places to eat for me to WAIT for food....period. So I don't. Is it too much to demand good service?? Do I have to pay $100 to expect this? What do you think? Was I too picky?

Back in the Swing

2008-01-09T09:23:00.000-05:00

Ok, ok, now that my son has started daycare, I can now get some extra things done beyond the essentials, which includes posting to my blog more frequently. You learn very quickly how much having a kid changes your life, and all the adjustments you have to make in your schedule. But I do it gladly, because I have not gotten off of "Cloud 9" yet.

As a political junkie, I've been itching to talk about the recent developments in the race for the White House for both the Democrats and Republicans. I'll be posting more frequently going forward about that subject as we move closer to November elections. But here are some quick pointers to get us warmed up.

I haven't seen anything like the Obama run since.....ever. It is absolutely amazing what he was able to do in Iowa. However, as of this writing, many in the press expected him to roll all over Hillary Clinton in the New Hampshire primary, but as we will learn more and more as we move forward, nothing is as it seems. Just a week ago, Hillary was leading Obama by comfortable margin of 15%, which flipped after the Iowa results, however, Hillary was always the frontrunner in N.H. in my opinion, strictly because of the demographics.

As for the Republicans, its curtains for Romney, as he is much too far to the right to win against McCain and Huckabee (who will be running mates...by the way...bet on it). Guliani's strategy of waiting until "Super Tuesday" when a bunch of states have their primaries will not work. He knew that he wouldn't show up well in Iowa or N.H. so he figured by not really competing there, he could play a loss off. However, his momentum is close to zero. Not to mention, unless we have some sort of "terror threat" in the US before Feb. 5, running on 9/11 won't work with the primary voters.

My man, Edwards, needs to do the right thing and put his support behind Obama. And hope Obama selects him as a running mate (which won't happen). If Obama wins the Democratic Nomination, he will select Jim Webb (Democratic Senator from Va.) and if Hillary wins, she'll go with Joe Biden. At least those are my predictions. But as you know, nothing is as it seems. Its a very exciting time, and I cannot wait to see what happens in the South Carolina primaries. The picture will be a little clearer then.

Never knew LOVE like this before....

2007-11-23T04:24:00.000-05:00

Again, my apologies for the length of time between posts, and I realize that it always seems that I have a "good" excuse, but this time trust me...I really do!

Our first child, Daniel, was born exactly one month ago. He was 7lbs 10oz and 21 inches long. When I first saw my son come out of his mothers womb, there was an emotion that came over me, that I had never felt before. He was and still is truly the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life. It was absolutely indescribable as I followed my son to the baby warmer, watching him as he let out his first cry, I still struggle to find the accurate words to describe the emotion I was feeling. If there is a word beyond "Love" then it would be beyond that word. The only description I'm left with is Love in its absolute PUREST form.

As I'm sure you are aware, there are many different forms of love from Eros (physical love), Phelia (relationship love), to Agape (unconditional love). We can all relate to these different forms of love, or at least I thought I knew Agape love, until my son was born. All my son had done in the first few minutes of his life, was take breaths and cry....he hadn't bought me anything, he hadn't told me he loved me, he hadn't cooked my dinner, he hadn't taken me out anywhere, yet I loved him more than any words could express. Unconditionally. He never had to do anything to "earn" my love and affection, yet he had it for the rest of my life at the highest level possible. He was someone I had known for 2 minutes of my life, yet I would give my life and all my possessions freely and willingly for him. So it was then that I began to understand Agape love.

But as the emotions filled me, this pure love I was feeling for my son, I began to think about God's love. See, I've read the bible, been to church all my life, worshipped, tithed, the whole nine...and THOUGHT I understood God's love. I had NO idea. As I looked at my son, for the first time in my life I began to understand a PORTION of God's love. The PURE love he has for us. The fact that he loved us before we were born, and that even though we have not deserved it, he loved and loves us still. If the love I felt and feel for my son only represents a portion of the love God has for me, then how incredible is for us to know his love and what it means for our lives!

Right now, its about 4:30 in the morning, and as my son sleeps, he knows nothing of the protection and safety that covers him. How his mother and I will do anything to make sure he has EVERYTHING he needs. All he knows is that when he's hungry, he cries, and his mother or father will feed him. What he doesn't know is that we knew that he would cry, because we knew that he would be hungry, and although he may be upset right now because of his circumstance, provision was already being made for him before he woke up (just happened to be in the form of a 6 ounce bottle of Similac Advance).

What if God's love is something like that? We go through trials and tribulations, we get upset, we may worry, we may cry, yet God has already made provision for us, and all we have to do is lean and depend on him as a child does to his mother or father, knowing that all of our needs will be supplied according to HIS riches. Does He not own everything? So will His riches ever run out? Of course not. God sacrificed his ONLY son, something we could never do (at least I couldn't) so how much greater is his love for us than anything we could feel? My son is too young to realize that he has NOTHING to worry about...he is too young to comprehend that if his daddy had to work at McDonald's for $5.50 an hour to make sure he had what he needed, his daddy would do it thankfully. Yet our God has riches beyond comprehension, and we still worry, we still complain, our faith still gets a little weak sometimes. But if we just hold on to what we know about God, then our faith can be restored and strength renewed, and we'll know that we won't have to worry, because he loves us unconditionally. I have a greater understanding now....

Freedom of Speech....unless we don't like who's talking

2007-09-24T09:19:00.000-04:00

Again, my apologies for my infrequent posting lately. I'm working on some big things as it relates to my business, and I also have my first child on the way (any week now), so my day to day household responsibilities have definitely increased, but I am equal to the task!

Today, the President of Iran, Mahmoud Amadinejad, will speak at Columbia University today and will address the United Nations tomorrow. As you may have heard, there has been much controversy concerning his presence at not only the UN, but especially at Columbia University. There have been protests, demonstrations, and calls for the President of Columbia University to resign for allowing Amadinejad to speak at his university.

Earlier last week Amadinejad asked to lay a wreath at the memorial site of the twin towers that were destroyed on 9/11. His request was denied and met with anger, disgust and a swift denial. Amadinejad has stated that he was confused with the denial, because he wanted to "pay his respects" to the people who died there on 9/11. Opponents said that it was merely a "photo opportunity" and an opportunity for the President of Iran to "spread more propaganda".

Now I'm a bit confused. Maybe someone can help me understand. Right now, we have 160,000 troops in Iraq, whose main purpose, as stated by our government, is to bring "democracy" to that country. Or at least to help move that process along. And according to our government, al-Qaeda and insurgents are there also in Iraq, because they "hate freedom and democracy".

Ok, I see, but here is where I'm having a problem. We can have 160,000 of our soldiers in Iraq, where over 600,000 Iraq civilians have been killed from civil war and our bombs, all in the name of "freedom" but this same "freedom" doesn't apply to the head of a state (Iran) that we do not agree with, and we want to suppress his freedom of speech? Our President calls Iran part of the "AXIS OF EVIL" (I'm sure you remember that comment, right?), but Iran is considered "hostile"? Iran has never attacked the U.S., none of the hijackers on the 9/11 flights were Iranian (most were Saudi, but Saudi Arabia is "our friend"...interesting).

Apparently the U.S. is a bit upset with Iran, because we (1) Feel like they are meddling in Iraq, and (2)They are developing their Nuclear energy program, which we feel is a cover for a Nuclear Weapon program.

See, we are a very arrogant country. Yes we are. Well let me put that a bit differently, our government is very arrogant. First of all, we want everyone to depend on us, so we can decide who we deal with, who we help, and who's resources we want to utilize in exchange for our "assistance". Secondly, we don't like other countries to have nuclear weapons.....not one bit....see, that means they have somewhat of an equal standing...and we don't like equal standing.

Let me put it in different terms....let's say you lived in a this big neighborhood. Some of your neighbors have REALLY big houses, and others have very small shacks, while others sleep on the street. The neighbors with the big houses have huge yards, nice cars in the yard, plenty of money, but they are also very greedy. You stay in a relatively small house, but you've been saving your money, and want to improve your quality of life. You haven't been able to afford a car to go to work, but since one of your biggest neighbors operates a car-pool, you've been using that, but you want to be independent, so you are working hard at buying your own car.

You've also noticed something very strange in your neighborhood. The neighbor with the biggest house, and the most money, has been walking in some of the smaller houses, and taking any guns or knives they see in the house. Apparently, the biggest neighbor doesn't like anyone else other than the friends on the street it lives on to have guns or knives in the house. (They really don't like that either, but they can't do anything about it, so they just try to get along with them) Although its not illegal to own a gun, they don't like it so they reserve the right to search any house in the neighborhood, and take any weapon they see. They don't ask, they just walk right in. Even if they do ask, everyone knows they are just buying time to break in. You've watched one of your neighbors next door to you get invaded by the big neighbor, even though they told the big neighbor they didn't have a gun or knife in the house. The big neighbor didn't believe them and walked in the house. Your next door neighbor put up a fight, but some people in the house were killed, and some of their valuables were taken by the big neighbor, but there were no guns or knives in the house.

You saw this break in, and said to yourself, "not me...I have to protect myself from this..". So you get your family together and work on purchasing a gun to protect your home. This appears to be the ONLY thing that stops the big neighbor from breaking in a house. They won't come over, won't even come near, a house if they know someone there has a gun. But any home that doesn't have a gun is in constant fear and does the bidding of the big neighbor. You don't want to USE the gun, but you just know its the only way you can protect your family from the big neighbor. The big neighbor got wind of your desire to purchase a gun, and has threatened to stop letting you use its car pool because of it, and threatened to break in. You know what that means, so you are preparing for the inevitable, and bought a bicycle in order to get to work and make money for your family, so you can purchase your gun.

If you were one of the smaller neighbors in this neighborhood, what would you do? Would you try to purchase a gun to protect your family and belongings, or would you risk a break-in from the big neighbor?

This is why the U.S. is aggressive toward Iran. Because Iran wants to be independent and they know that a nuclear weapon is the ONLY thing the big neighbor (U.S.) respects. They saw Iraq get invaded and 600,000 civilians killed, and they don't want the same for their country. And because the President of Iran won't bow to U.S. pressure, he is vilified, and our government wants to "muzzle" him.

Now, I don't agree with everything Amadenijad talks about. Yes, I do believe the holocaust happened, NO I don't believe that Israel should be "wiped off the map", but I DO believe in freedom of speech, and freedom of beliefs, and I respect any sovereign nation's right to defend itself. If our government can call a sovereign nation an "Axis of Evil" then certainly a government of another country can say what it wants...right? Isn't that what we call freedom? Isn't that why we are at war? Isn't that why 3600 soldiers have died? Just my two cents.

Dame

Are you Left, Right, Neither or Both???

2007-09-17T15:06:00.000-04:00

Every since I was a child, I've been very interested in politics. I never seriously considered running for any sort of political office myself, but I was always very interested in the political process overall. I enjoyed observing all of the political maneuvers of those not only from those who hold a political office, but those that are running for office, and also those that report on both. In many ways, the media shapes the public's view of those individuals who are in politics, therefore political figures are careful of what they say, what they do and with whom they are associated with. I mean, seriously, do we REALLY know these people? Unless you've had some sort of personal relationship with a political figure, your ENTIRE knowledge of them comes from what you hear about them in the press, or from speeches they give, or from a debate, or from their previous voting record. Even then, the "spin-doctors" are shaping (or attempting to shape) the public's opinion. Generally, this "shaping" is done by via LABELING by the media and the political pundits. Most often, this labeling is a denotation of LEFT vs. RIGHT or Liberal vs. Conservative as a function of the particular politicians belief system.

We hear so much about liberals and conservatives, about left politics and right politics, sometimes its difficult to know the difference. I'd also go as far as saying that MOST people who label others as LEFT or RIGHT have absolutely NO IDEA of the true definition of Liberal and Conservative as it relates to American politics. If you don't believe me, next time someone says the word "liberal" ask them to define it for you, then try not to laugh at the look on their faces as they try to stumble to give you an answer, which will more than likely be WRONG or perhaps only partially correct.

After listening for so many years to the political labeling and spinning of "Liberal" and "Conservative" politicians, I wondered to myself, "Where do I fit on this political spectrum?" Well, I figured the best way to understand where I was on the political spectrum, is to understand what the terms mean, and then to compare and contrast the two, and then determine where I most likely landed on the spectrum. You may have done this also. But in case you haven't, lets go through this exercise in the most efficient way I know how....

What is a "Liberal" and what do they generally believe? A Liberal is an individual who emphasizes the rights of the individual, and equality of opportunity for those individuals. Liberals are more likely to support social programs such as housing for the homeless, benefits for the unemployed, anti-discrimination policies, and health care for the sick. Liberals generally believe that the government should be used to protect these social programs, as civil liberty and equal opportunity are the most important beliefs.

What is a "Conservative" and what do they generally believe? A Conservative is an individual who emphasizes personal responsibility, limited government interference (smaller government), states' rights (localized government), strong military and defense, and limited taxation. Conservatives generally believe that everyone has the opportunity to succeed if they work hard, and that government should not be used to influence social standing (they want to limit social programs).

Now, within each label of Liberal and Conservative are multiple "sub-groups" who have even more defined beliefs, i.e. Classic Liberal, Social Conservative, Fiscal Conservative, Cultural Liberalism, etc., etc.

But the obvious question to me is....are any of the above WRONG as beliefs? Can a belief even be wrong, if one believes it in their core value system? Does it even help to label one's belief as Liberal(Left) or Conservative (Right)? I think Chris Rock said it best when he said "...there are some things I am Liberal about, and then there are some things that I'm Conservative about..."

To me, everything comes down to POV (Point of View). Depending on how you were raised, and what belief systems your parent(s) instilled in you, shaped in some degree your beliefs as an adult. If you grew up rich, because your family left you money, do you think its right that you are taxed more to pay for social programs that you will never participate in, neither will anyone you know? Would it be different it you were a self-made millionaire? Or would you be even LESS likely to want to pay more tax to fund social programs?

But what if you grew up poor, and didn't have the same access to the best education, therefore you didn't have access the best jobs, in order to afford healthcare for your family? You may believe that if the government is truly "for the people" then why shouldn't EVERYONE be entitled to healthcare. Why should anyone be without this? Why should it be that in the richest country in the world, there are children who have no healthcare in this country?

Hmmmm. Interesting points. Regardless of where you fall on the political spectrum, I believe the true learning for all of us is respect for others' Point of View. Everyone didn't grow up the way we did, so they won't necessarily believe what we do. However, no matter what political ideology exists in an individual, I believe that Dr. MLK was right when he said "injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere". No matter what your party affiliation, LOVE FOR YOUR NEIGHBOR should be the standard in which we make decisions that affect the Country and the people in it.

If you know what it feels like to have been broke (I sure do), then its easier, in my opinion, to understand the plight of someone else who is broke and want to help that individual. If you know what its like to be hungry, I think the same is true. If you are rich, then I suppose you understand the POV of rich people, and how hard it is to get that way, and how you don't want someone taking your money away.

At the end of the day, the people who have POWER, are able to promote their POV (right or wrong, left or right) at the expense of others who do not share that POV. This will always be the case, as long as we operate on right or left, and not on LOVE. If you are on the "right" you'll be unhappy with leadership on the "left" and vice versa, but who can be unhappy with LOVE??? If I LOVE my neighbor, do I want to see him hungry? If I LOVE my neighbor, do I not want you to be protected from terrorism? If I LOVE you, do I not want you to be safe from crime? If I love you, do I not want you to have the best education possible? If I love you, do I not want you to have a job when you get out of school? If I love you, do I not want you to work HARD and not expect handouts for your survival?

As for me, am I Liberal or Conservative? well, I agree with Chris Rock, however the preponderance of my belief system leans to the left because it leans toward LOVE (although I am a registered Libertarian). I can't be successful and forget about where I came from. I can't allow people to go hungry, or not have access to healthcare. However, if you are a knucklehead, I want you go GO TO JAIL. No, I don't believe in Reparations, but I do believe in Affirmative Action. I have an opinion on just about every issue there is (enough to write a book), but I'm smart enough to know that I don't know everything, so I always try to fall back on LOVE. You don't have to be smart to love, you don't have to be rich to love, you only need to be WILLING to love.

So what are you left or right? Or better yet, how would you rate your "LOVE"?

September 11, 2001-- Six Years Later

2007-09-11T09:19:00.000-04:00

Its hard to believe that its been 6 years since the attacks of 9/11. One can't help at this time every year to think of where you were and what you were doing at around 9 am in the morning of September 11th. I remember that I was on my way to a sales appointment with one of my sales reps, and I remember hearing all of the carnage on the radio that morning. I had tried to log on to the internet before we left, but you really couldn't get on. There were rumors and fact all mixed together, and you didn't know what to believe. I just remember sitting there with our customer, trying to make it a good appointment, but our minds were elsewhere, obviously.

By the time I got back to the office, the first tower had collapsed. Then you heard about the Pentagon, and another plane in Pennsylvania. I tried to call my brother, but you couldn't get a signal on a wireless phone. I remember telling my sales reps that they could go home for the day after about 1pm, because no work was getting done anyway. I went home and watched CNN until late in the night. I remember being somewhat afraid to go anywhere, especially the mall or a grocery store. It was unreal.

I sent a prayer up to the families of those who lost their lives in what had to be the most terrifying experiences imaginable. They have to re-live this every year. I couldn't imagine.

Where were you during the attacks? What were your memories of that fateful morning?

BET...worse than the KKK?

2007-09-04T05:03:00.000-04:00

Here is yet another example of BET feeding garbage to our children and calling it "entertainment". This video, "Read a Book, N*gga", is supposed to be a "satire" on the state of hip-hop, or at least that's what the creators would like you to believe. The message is supposed to be for Black people to "read a book", but the imagery is guns, rims, women shaking their butts, and plenty of profanity all wrapped up in a nice cartoon for your kids viewing pleasure.

This isn't a video that airs late at night on BET...NOOOO...it airs on "106 & Park" and "Rap City" two of the most popular shows for children aged 12-18, right in the middle of the afternoon. Yep, just in time for your kids to get out of school, and before they go to bed, this is what they will be seeing if they are watching "Black Entertainment Television". They will see what they always see on BET between 5-7 pm in the evening, images of violence, drugs, sex...everything a growing boy or girl needs, right?

I have some questions. Is this the only way for Black people to be entertained? Why is this acceptable programming to a station who's demographic is 95% black? Why must this programming be shown when kids between 12-17 are most likely to be watching, and not after 11 pm? But we know the answer to these questions don't we? And the answer to this question is simple, they just don't care about our kids as long as they get ratings. Whatever sells is what gets played, irregardless to how damaging the content is. And that reason is why I feel that the leaders and managers of this Viacom owned station are nothing more than Klansmen in Blackface. BET is far more damaging and dangerous to Black America than any Skinhead or card carrying member of the Ku Klux Klan.

Yes, I said it. If you don't believe that then let me ask you this, when is the last time a member of the KKK came over your house and sat down to talk with your kids between 5-7 in the evening??? Ok, ok, another question are your kids listening to the Skinhead Radio station??? Which station is that by the way? There is a saying, "I'd rather have a true enemy than a false friend", and I think it applies here. Skinheads and the KKK aren't marching in YOUR neighborhood, but BET and the garbage that they peddle marches right in your neighborhood, comes into your home, sits down with your kids and miseducates them for a few hours.

Oh, they (BET) will tell you that this video and those like it are NOT meant for kids, but remember, its shown between 5-7 pm not after 11 pm. They will also tell you that the video is meant to sent a "positive" message to get black people to read. They will tell you all these things, but we are NOT fooled. All I can say to that is watch the video for yourself, and see if you are "inspired" to read. The only inspiration I received from watching this garbage was to totally shut this station down, until they begin to RESPECT their viewers and not show this trash before 11 pm.

Shame on BET. Shame on Viacom. Shame on the advertisers who still show ads on BET during the hours of 5-8 pm. We deserve better. We have to demand better. The only way to do this is hit them in the pocketbook. They don't respond to doing the right thing. Playing nice doesn't work. BET has to be brought to the brink of collapse in order for them to change. This starts with targeting their advertisers. I'm going to be posting a list of advertisers that show adds during the hours of 5-8 pm on BET. Lets handle our business.

Dame

So what's really going on with Illegal Immigration?

2007-08-31T14:54:00.000-04:00

Here at The Dame Experience, we don't shy away from any topic, unless it possibly has to do with hair-styling or the Tyra Banks show, in which case I would have to defer to my lovely wife, as she would be the "expert" on said topics.

However, Illegal Immigration is a topic I do want to discuss, as it has been getting a lot of attention lately....which is what interests me the most...the amount of attention it has been getting recently. Think about it, did you hear much about Illegal Immigration 6 or 7 years ago? Why has it become SUCH a passionate and divisive topic over the last few years? I mean, haven't we had illegals in this country since its inception? Weren't the original settlers of this country illegal??

Ok, ok, I won't go there. But my point is this...no matter where you are on the issue...whether you want to deport all illegal immigrants to Mexico (those that are from Mexico), build a 800 mile long fence (like the Berlin Wall..but much longer), leave any children of illegals born here to fend for themselves, or if you want amnesty with border security, you HAVE to be a little curious about WHY this issue has been burning so hot lately.

I don't recall the Presidential Debates of 2000 with much fervor surrounding illegal immigrants....come to think of it...I don't recall it being a major issue in ANY political debate before 2003. Hmmmmm, why is that?

Well, I have a theory. And this theory starts with a man. Let's call him Ortiz. Ortiz is originally from Mexico. He came to the United States illegally when he was 17 years old on the back of a tractor trailer. Upon coming to the United States, he immediately found work in North Carolina mowing grass and doing landscaping work for residences in the suburbs of Charlotte. He has always been a hard worker, and his customers really appreciated his work, and his prices were unbeatable. He would cut a really nice size yard for $20 including the edge up and trimming the hedges. He would be out there sweating for 3 hours for that $20 bucks and would never complain or ask for more money. Every now and then his nice customers would bring him out a nice glass of tea or lemonade to help cool him off while he was working in the sweltering North Carolina heat. How nice his clients were! Ortiz felt very privileged to be able to cut the grass in this nice, affluent neighborhood. Even the kids of his clients would say "Hello Ortiz", when they were outside playing. Ortiz almost felt like an extended part of the family. Good times.

Word of Ortiz's landscaping expertise and very low price flowed through the well-to-do neighborhood. Soon Ortiz was cutting the grass for and entire Cul-de-sac, and he was doing all of this with his trusty push lawnmower. The same lawnmower he had gotten from his Uncle when he passed last year. Matter of fact, while trimming some hedges for one of his clients, he remembered something his Uncle had told him before he died. His uncle, a very proud and hard-working man himself, had told him "Ortiz, don't forget to help your people when you become successful".

That spirit of "giving-back" sunk deep in Ortiz's heart, as he had several friends and family members who were struggling to find work, and a couple of them had resorted to robbery to make ends meet. Ortiz, pondered a way to help his people and keep them from having to be without, or resort to law breaking in order to keep the lights on. Then a thought came to him....a thought as sharp as the blades on the old Snapper lawn mower his Uncle left him....as sharp as the words about giving back to his people that Ortiz's uncle has spoken to him. He would go into business for himself and hire on some of his dependable friends and family members to work for him. He would call his new business, Ortiz's Landscaping. He would use the money he had been saving up to buy additional landscaping equipment, and a trailer for his truck. He could get the cul-de-sac done in a matter of 1 hour verses the 10 hours it had been taking him before by himself. Wow, he could do the landscaping for the entire neighborhood. He even put ORTIZ'S LANDSCAPING INC on his truck. Ortiz, heart overflowed with pride. So he put his plan in action, and went on to be quite successful. His workers were no longer struggling and were doing quite well compared to the old days. Ortiz was so successful that he even started to look for a home....yes, what better place but the neighborhood he had been landscaping for. These were soooo nice people, they always smiled and said "Hello Ortiz", came out to bring him lemonade, it was the perfect plan.

That is...until the first day he showed up at the neighborhood with his realtor, Hector. He was looking at a home that was for sale next to one of his clients. Matter of fact, the client, John, was going to his mailbox when he spotted Ortiz. John almost didn't recognize Ortiz when he saw him on his way out of the showing, of course dressed in his slacks and a shirt how could he recognize Ortiz. "Hello Mr. John", Ortiz as John just keeps staring. "Oh...is that you, Ortiz?", replies John with a very quizzical look on his face. "Yes, its me, Mr. John..I was just looking at purchasing this lovely house", Ortiz states proudly. He was almost expecting John to congratulate him....but the congratulation never came...only a "Oh" fell from John's lips, and John's face was no longer the happy face that brought him lemonade, but this face Ortiz had seen before...many times. A stone face, a face of disgust, a face of distrust, a face of anger, with the turned up nose and fallen countenance. "Where do you live now?", John inquired. "Over at Springate Apartments on South Blvd." replied Ortiz. "Oh" exclaimed John, "do you mind if I get your address so I can start mailing my check to you, as I will be out of town the next couple of weeks?" "No problem, Mr. John", says Ortiz as he scribbles down his address and hands the wrinkled piece of paper to John. "Thanks" responds John, as he quickly went into the house.

Later that night, while sitting in his living room with his wife and 2 kids, Ortiz was trying to understand in his mind why the conversation earlier with John felt so weird. He had known John for years, as he had been doing his landscaping every Saturday. But he couldn't figure out why John seemed so mean, or why he asked Ortiz for his address. While deep in thought, Ortiz heard a knock on the door. "Who is it?" he asked in his thick accent, "This is the INS!!!" the voice thundered in reply, "open the door". Everything then became quite clear to Ortiz.

I realize that story was quite lenghty, but I wanted to illustrate what I feel to be the underlying current of this illegal immigration debate. See, everything was fine when Mexicans were cutting the grass and sweating outside for a little money. But when Ortiz became Ortiz's Landscaping Service, eyebrows raised. However, the final straw was when Ortiz wanted to move into the "exclusive" neighborhood. Which meant that his kids would go to school with the kids in this "exclusive" neighborhood. This could not be allowed!!! 800 mile walls between US and Mexico have to be built!!! Deportation procedures have to take place....we gotta get them out of here...they broke the law when they came here!!!!!

Needless to say, one asked for Ortiz's green card or inquired about his legal status when he was sweating in these people's yards for LESS than minimum wage. But now that he's looking has a business and looking at a home...basically trying to achieve the "American Dream" things are different. Now some of these same people who had no problem utilizing Ortiz's services, are now willing to split Ortiz from his family because he's "burdening" the United States. Yeah, they will have you believing that people like Ortiz are responsible for ALL the drunk driving, murders, robberies, etc., done in this country by HIGHLIGHTING whether the crime was committed by an illegal alien or not. They will have you believe that illegal immigrants are the scourge of the nation and the cause of the decline in health care, education, etc. And you'll believe it, because it was on the news...of course, its the news.

If I relied on the news, I'd think that Blacks and Hispanics were the only races of people who commit crimes in the US. Does that make it true? But such fear mongering has been used for years to justify positions exclude and disenfranchise on the basis of race, and its happening here to. As a Black Man, I am disgusted with the rampant hypocrisy, of some individuals who scream "DEPORT THEM!!!" this week, but had no problem with them cutting their grass for NEAR SLAVE WAGES. In my opinion, the MAJORITY of illegal immigrants are law-abiding, hard-working citizens who just want to take care of their families and live a piece of the American dream.

I remember my brother telling me on a trip with his job to Matamoros, Mexico, that he was astounded at so many people who were living in the ground. And I don't mean, in the ground like their houses were in low lying areas, I mean....their houses WERE MADE OUT OF THE GROUND. Basically, their homes were holes dug in the ground with families living there. People, that's poverty on another level...and I don't care WHO you are, if you were living like that and had a chance to live a better life by jumping on the back of a truck.. YOU WOULD DO IT!! Don't even say you wouldn't.

Look, do we need to address illegal immigration? Yes, of course we do. But all I'm saying is, lets do it from perspective of loving our neighbors, instead of hating them because of who they are or where they come from. I'm sorry, but this entire argument to me smells like racism cloaked under "national security" or "protecting our borders". But again, you can't fool Dame...none of the time. As Black people I think we are quite familiar with code words such as "inner city" and "disadvantaged" and how sometimes these words are used to cloak ulterior motives by those who don't believe in equality. And as Black people we should stand up and make sure that just because the racism in THIS case is not directed toward us, its still racism and should not be tolerated. Remember, even before we are Black, Hispanic, White or Asian we are ALL God's children.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite verses from the Bible...

1 John 4:7-12
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for[c] our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

Be blessed and have a wonderful Labor Day Weekend.

I Ain't NEVER scared!!!

2007-08-20T13:11:00.001-04:00

Again, I owe my pentance for lack of production on the blog lately. I was out of town with very limited internet access last week, but I'm back in the swing of things bringing the HEAT as always.

On a sidenote, business is picking up nicely. One thing I've learned recently is that FEAR is always your enemy in business. Its constantly working against you to keep you from achieving your goals. Fear is very crafty. Fear likes to cloak itself in different forms such as "Cautiousness", "Concern", "Anxiety", "Worry" to make you feel better about how you are actually FEELING, and make think that what you are feeling is NOT fear, but deep down you know it is.

I believe that we each have a built-in immunity from FEAR. It is inherent in each of us. This immunity is KNOWLEDGE, WISDOM and UNDERSTANDING. But our "immune" system is sometimes a little weak, because in many cases we haven't used our natural immunity to protect us from fear. In business just like anything else, when you have KNOWLEDGE, you have the potential energy- the "stored up" energy...to make your vision come true. But you also need WISDOM, your kinetic energy-the engergy of action, to put what you KNOW into a PLAN OF ACTION...WISDOM tells us how, when and where to apply our knowledge. But it is the UNDERSTANDING, that we serve a God who knows no fear, and it is through HIM that we can accomplish anything, that is the most important part of our natural immunity from fear. The same POWER that created heaven and earth
is the same POWER that can come into agreement with us on our hopes and dreams, no matter whether they are in business, our careers, our finances, our relationships, anything...everything. Once our immunity kicks in, the FEAR cells in our bodies are attacked and erradicated and subsequently transformed into FAITH cells.

We then replace FEAR with FAITH in every aspect of our lives. So things that seemed difficult before are now as easy as tying our shoes. People you were afraid to approach before become as little children to you. You start to walk into buildings like you own the place. Its a wonderful feeling to be able to say..."I AIN'T NEVER SCARED!!!" (You also can't be afraid to use "double negatives" to make a point) :-)

Dame

Love of Money Part 2...We Are Not Fooled

2007-08-06T08:40:00.000-04:00

Yes, I have watched the show (Hot Ghetto Mess)...and yes, I have the same feelings I did before, and I'm actually a little more irritated that I was previously. Not just because of the content of the show (which is what I thought it would be), but how it was "packaged" or may I say, "repackaged" so disingenuously. You had all the "socially-responsible" comments interjected into the show by the host, Charlie Murphy, attempting to explain why its necessary to show this type of content to the masses. The explanation was that a spotlight needed to be shown on this type of negative behavior in order for individuals to look introspectively at themselves and I guess...."do better". Please.

First of all, they are still calling the show Hot GHETTO Mess, and as we know, "Ghetto" is in most cases a derogatory term to describe poor black folks, or those that behave in a way contrary to "white social norms". After the clips are shown, the host explained that we do not want to see this type of GHETTO behavior again. Then preceded to show the next "GHETTO" clip. All I could do was shake my head.

Also in the show, you had individuals who were interviewed on the street about social questions such as "What Percentage of African-Americans are Single?" and "What do you think about how women are portrayed in videos?" Then the random individuals would give their opinion. Pretty responsible journalism, right? Well, then the show goes RIGHT BACK to showing some other scantily clad woman shaking her butt or grinding on some guy in a club.

My thoughts go back to the show "The Cosby Show" when Vanessa brought Dabness (sp?) over to the house and was explaining to her father that her and Dabness were going to get married. Dabness was about 40 years old and Vanessa was proably 19 or so. They had never met this gentleman before, so of course the tension in the room and at the dinner table was very thick. Later, after a few questions by Mr. and Mrs. Huxtable, they determined that Dabness was a good guy with a good head on his shoulders, but he said something very interesting to Dabness to explain what was going on in their heads. He asked Dabness what his favorite meal was, to which Dabness replied "Steak". So Cliff, said, what if I cooked you up a nice juicy steak medium-well, with a loaded baked potato on the side? Dabness said that he would like that very much. So then Cliff says, "what if I take the lid off of a garbage can...turn it over...and put the steak and potatoes on it...and serve it to you like that...would you still want the meal?" To which Dabness replied..."no". So Cliff said, "that's how you were presented to us...a steak on a dirty trash can top, its all in the presentation." So well said and so true. But the opposite is also true. If I serve you rotten fish heads from the garbage can on some fine china, is it not still disgusting? Would you eat it? Of course not.

People, we cannot fall for the proverbial "okie-doke". Do our kids need to SEE this type of socially irresponsible programing to learn a lesson from the behavior? Would you buy your son/daughter a 50-Cent album in order to teach them what NOT to say, and what NOT to do? Do they not get enough of that from school and from the playground? Don't be fooled by the packaging...or repackaging that BET has put in front of us concerning this show. Its still trash...point blank. We can't have the wool pulled over our eyes. You can't serve us trash and expect us to support you, no matter how pretty you try to make it. We are NOT FOOLED.

On a side note, I didn't see any advertising that wasn't BET's own, so there isn't anything to boycott now except for BET itself, which was already the case with me. But if anyone sees another advertiser on this show, please advise so that they can be properly dealt with. I'm done watching the show. Peace.

Dame

An Idle Mind....

2007-08-03T15:43:00.000-04:00

"An Idle Mind Is The Devil's Workshop"...I used to hear that a lot from older folks back when I was growing up, and I used to wonder what it meant. As I grew up, I soon learned what it meant...in more ways than one. It means that when you are sitting around with nothing to do and nothing on your mind, things of a negative nature tend to want to seep in your head if you aren't careful. The next thing you know, you'll be doing things that not so long ago seemed unthinkable, but are now commonplace.

Our friend, Mike Vick, should have had that statement TATTOOED on his arm or something. Because his is certainly a case of AN IDLE MIND. You really have to have absolutely NOTHING BETTER TO DO if you are getting caught up in dogfighting. I have trouble conceiving of how a person who spends 7 months a year playing football, with over $100 million in contracts and endorsements, young-with his whole life in front of him...CAN'T FIND SOMETHING BETTER TO DO than participate in dogfights. There are businesses to be started and run, places to visit and explore, movies to watch, puzzles to put together, coloring books to finish....ANYTHING besides stuff that is going to GET YOU PUT IN JAIL!!!!

But as is sometimes common with our young black men who are suddenly find themselves with money and access that others can only dream of, the result ends up being such a disappointment and such a waste of resources. I just think that Vick should have kept himself busy with more positive activities, and then perhaps he wouldn't find himself in the situation that he's in. Perhaps, Vick's example will not only be a head's up for other young black athletes, but our young black men in general.

And of course, Vick has his supporters, and to each his own, but no...I don't feel sorry for Vick. Ya'll should know me better than that by now. If you or I got caught in a federal investigation of dogfighting (yes, FEDERAL OFFENSE) then guess what....you or I would be going to jail (if found guilty), without a multi-million dollar attorney, or the NAACP speaking on our behalf. (Don't even let me get on the NAACP in this situation) We would not pass "GO" and we would not collect "$200". Again, with those who are out there claiming "racism", I think they are doing ALL black people a disservice. Mr. Vick knew it was wrong when he was doing it (allegedly), and now that he got caught he's supposedly being mistreated by the press and public opinion?? Please. When they are chanting your name in the stands when you throw a touchdown, or you get accolades from the press from participating in a charitable program, the opposite WILL occur when you get accused of dogfighting or something else that's against the law. That's just the way it is.

I'm sure we can all agree that people don't just make up something like dogfighting to pin on you unfairly. I mean, you might get accused of doing drugs, or having a venereal disease and giving it to someone, or calling yourself Ron Mexico, and these things may not be necessarily true, but you generally aren't accused as an pro-athlete of dogfighting unless you've been.....dogfighting. If so, then they would have pinned it on Pacman Jones, and just mixed it in with all his other arrests.

Anyway, I hate if for him, because he had so much potential, so much he could have done positively, but instead this is what Vick will be most remembered for. (I'll also remember him for having the 2nd lowest passing percentage in the ENTIRE NFL in 2006, and the guy who had the lowest was a ROOKIE) But there is a lesson, and its not just that dogfighting is illegal...or that Vick wasn't as good of a Quarterback as people thought he was...but the lesson is..."an idle mind...is the devil's workshop". Let's stay busy!

Dame

It Ain't That Hard....

2007-08-01T15:28:00.000-04:00

My apologies for taking so long to add another post. I have been very busy with my business, but that's not an excuse, and not the only reason. I wanted my previous post about "Hot Ghetto Mess" to "marinate" with my readers a while before I changed the subject, but I didn't mean to wait this long to post. I'll try not to keep you all in so much suspense again. :-)

From time to time I listen to The Steve Harvey Morning Show. I actually find the show hilarious and quite entertaining when I do get an opportunity to listen. However, something Mr. Harvey said on that show about a month ago, has been gnawing at me, and I just wanted to speak on it.

During one of their morning shows, the subject of Adam "Pacman" Jones' legal problems came up. If you are not aware of who "Pacman" Jones is, he is an extremely talented NFL football star who plays for the Tennessee Titans, that has been in the news more than a few times over the past couple of years. Mr. Jones has been questioned by the police in connection with a shooting at a strip club which left a bouncer paralyzed...and that was one of the more RECENT legal troubles for the NFL Star. He has also been arrested for assault and felony vandalism (at another strip club), intoxication and verbal assault (at a nightclub), and has been questioned by police in at least 4 other incidents including shootings at more strip clubs, speeding tickets, and spitting in a woman's face at a nightclub.

So during the Steve Harvey Morning Show, that particular morning, Steve Harvey was mentioning that Pacman Jones was really a "good" guy and its just the people he surrounded himself with(his entourage) that was the true source of his legal issues. He went on to say that Pacman just needed some positive people (like Mr. Harvey himself) to sit down and talk to him about the company he's keeping, and that celebrities are many times unfairly targeted by the media and police.

Why is it that CELEBRITY ATHLETES are seemingly held to a LOWER STANDARD of behavior than those of common people??? I really don't understand this. Seriously, how hard is it to keep from getting arrested? So if I'm a celebrity athlete, I'm in some way NOT responsible for who I surround myself with? Its everyone else's fault when I do something wrong? Tell me....did my ENTOURAGE cause me to SPIT in a woman's face? Is my ENTOURAGE making me a part of shootouts at strip clubs? PLEASE.

See I look at things a little differently...maybe its PACMAN JONES who is the BAD INFLUENCE on the individuals around HIM. Has anyone thought of that? Maybe HE'S the one that has no sense of social or personal responsibility and he drags others down the abyss with him. I mean, would you want to hang out with Pacman Jones? Think about it, from a day to day perspective, its actually pretty difficult to get arrested if you aren't doing anything illegal. I'd say as a Black Man in America, on any given day, my chances of being arrested are about .01% (one-hundredth of one percent). However if I was hanging with Pacman, I believe that rate goes up to about 70-80%. So who is the negative influence in that situation? Me? But you know what, if I DID get arrested while hanging out with Pacman Jones, guess who's fault it would be......YEP...MINE!!!! Because I knew it was a BAD IDEA before I did it. That's where PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY comes in to play, and is what Mr. Jones is obviously lacking.

Look, there are PLENTY of professional athletes, Black Professional Athletes at that, who SOMEHOW...SOMEWAY...manage NOT to get arrested 3-4 times a year. Its time out for coddling these KNUCKLEHEADS who can't seem to stay out of trouble. I'm glad they suspended him (Pacman) from football for a year, not because I'm a hater or anything (very much to the contrary), but because we do need to RAISE the standard of behavior of professional athletes not LOWER them. At least raise them to the level of everyday common people who manage to stay out of jail....regularly. It AIN'T THAT HARD.

Dame

The Love of Money.....

2007-07-23T14:02:00.000-04:00

As I'm sure you may have heard by now, BET (Black Entertainment Television) has a new show on the docket called "Hot Ghetto Mess". The show is a spin-off from a website of the same name. The website features Black people in less-than-desirable circumstances, whether in dress or in action. On the site are featured some items such as a picture of a young Black woman heading in a prom dress with a belly cutout to allow for her pregnant stomach, or young Black man riding what appears to be a wheelchair with 15" sub woofers in the back. These images are tame as compared to what is on the rest of the site. The website and now the TV show invites individuals to submit their own video. So you know there is plenty of girls fighting, young girls (under1 18) shaking their bottoms in front of the camera, etc. etc.

Over the past couple of weeks BET has received complaints from viewers about the show, specifically concerning the negative light in which it shows Black people. A couple of advertisers have already pulled out, which is saying a lot because the show hasn't even aired yet. But BET (of course, owned by Viacom) is going forward with the show under a new name "We Got To Do Better".

But, I believe it was Shakespeare who wrote, "a rose by any other name, would smell as sweet". I happen to believe the same statement applies to CRAP, and by CRAP I mean THIS SHOW. The producers of this show, just like most of the shows on BET, only care about ratings and money, not about social responsibility. It doesn't matter to me that BET is "White Owned" now because when it was "Black Owned" you had the same socially irresponsible programming. The LOVE of Money is an EVIL thing, as we have all heard, but now you are seeing it in practice.

I am personally boycotting ANY and EVERY advertiser that has the audacity to broadcast on that show. I would encourage you to do the same. These people don't respond to what is socially responsible, they only respond when you hurt their money. TV shows make money from advertising, so there you have it. The creator of the website (who is black) that fostered this TV show claims to LOVE Black people, and is merely pointing out the negative sides of our culture in order to "bring awareness" to the problems we face as a people. Please.

When are we going to finally get tired of people (even Black people...no...especially Black people) trying to make a fool of us for their own monetary gain??? Don't we get tired of being disrespected in the media for a few laughs??? I'm personally tired of it, and I'm doing something about it. They won't get MY money. NEVER. And that goes for rappers who want to make Drug anthems with young children singing the hook like "Coffee Shop". Its time for us to GET OUR MINDS RIGHT, and stop accepting this! Let's stop supporting this type of influence on our young people. And again, you can do that by moninoring where your HARD EARNED money goes. I'll go without something before I give another red dime to these DEVILS. I don't care if you are a BLACK company or WHITE company, if you support this crap, you need to be SHUT DOWN!!! PERIOD.

If I seem irritated, its because I am. Its hard enough for individuals who are trying to work to uplift our young people, just to have to work against this sort of thing. For every ONE time our youth hears "You Can Make It" from a Black Man like myself, it seems that I have 50 more Black Men on MTV, BET, Radio, etc., glorifying Drugs, Gangs, Violence, and Disrespect toward Women. Sometimes I feel like we are fighting a losing battle, and I'm battling against my own people for the "hearts and minds" of our young people. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. But the question is...Have YOU had enough yet?

Dame

He Said What???

2007-07-18T07:28:00.000-04:00

Every now and then you run across a story that makes you say "He/She Said What?" This is one of those stories, and I had to share it with my fam in case you haven't heard about it.

The chairman (now former chairman) of Roger Williams University, Ralph Papitto, said that the "N-word" slipped out during a university board meeting recently. The dicussion that preceeded the N-bomb concerned ways to achieve more racial diversity on the all-white university board. Apparently, Mr. Papitto became "irate" during a portion of the discussion focusing on pressures to make the board more diverse. It was at this point that the chairman obviously felt the N-word was an appropriate word to use when discussing his opinion. Needless to say, several board members were offended by Mr. Papitto's comments, and he resigned soon thereafter for "personal reasons".

Now, Mr. Papitto, who is white, subsequently apologized for making the remark. Ok, I'm fine with that....I mean...everybody makes mistakes, right? Everyone deserves a second chance. But his use of the N-word, was not what gave me my "He Said What???" moment. During his "apology", Mr. Papitto said he had NEVER used the word before and "the first time I heard it was on television or on rap music or something".

He said what??? Now, Mr. Papitto is 80, yes 80 years old. So the first time he EVER heard the N-word in his 80 years was on TV and the next time was on rap music??? You mean to tell me when you were growing up in the 30s and 40s you NEVER heard that word? I'm also supposed to believe that an 80 year old white man actually listens to rap music?? They bleep out N-words on TV, so does he have a T.I. CD or something?? Man, GET OUT OF HERE WITH THAT! Now I can't even take your apology seriously, you could have kept it. I guess he was so subliminally programmed by all the rap music he was listening to that he couldn't help but let one N-word slip out.

Please...

Dame

The Chess Game Continues....Subject: Iraq

2007-07-10T14:59:00.000-04:00

There is a popular saying...."You can fool SOME of the people...ALL of the time, or ALL of the people SOME of the time." And as Florida Evans on Good Times so eloquently added..."but you can't fool your mama, NONE of the time." I agree with that....and here at The Dame Experience, I also believe that you can't fool DAME none of the time, either. At least not when it comes to the political maneuvers we see from our friends at the White House and in Congress.

I frequently have conversations about politics with my brother. These conversations sometimes last for hours, as we go back and forth spouting our points of view. Although we were raised in the same household (we happen to be twins), we do have some differing political views, however there is one thing we do agree on, and it is that the Iraq War is an egregious mistake. And depending on which poll you read, up to 70% of Americans now oppose the War in Iraq.

Up until this point, President Bush and the vast majority of Republicans in Congress have had a "full speed ahead" attitude as it related to the war, and dissenters had their support of the troops and general patriotism questioned. I watched intently as those on the right, pumped their chest in full bravado while stating "we won't cut and run" and "if we leave they will follow us here" and of course my personal favorite, "if we leave we will EMBOLDEN the enemy". I'm sure you've heard these yourself, probably more times than you can remember....and there is a reason for that...and its part of the chess game.

A few weeks ago, during one of our weekly Malone political debates, I predicted to my brother that there would be a SHIFT in the vernacular and political spinning from the Republicans in Congress. I explained to my brother that the Republicans know better than to have the issue of the Iraq War still on the table by the time 2008 elections get here. They haven't won the last 2 Presidential elections because they were stupid or something, to the contrary, they are quite cunning and should be taken lightly. I further explained that we will DEFINITELY be withdrawing from Iraq by April of 2008, as to keep the issue from being part of the Presidential debate. However, the President and the Republican Congress have to be very careful how they achieve this, while still "saving face". Here's how they will do it....

1. I predicted that the Iraq War assessment will come back, saying that we have NOT made progress toward our benchmarks in Iraq.

2. Next, the Iraqi Government will "suggest" that the US leaves Iraq, as it would be the only way Iraqis would be able to stand on their own, is to be "forced" to do so by the removal of the level of US support that have assisted them to that point. See, IRAQ has to be the one to say it, as the only way for Republicans to save face.

3. One by one, Republicans will call for a "phased" withdrawal from Iraq. Breaking with the President.

4. During his State of the Union address in 2008, the President will claim that most of the major goals of the Iraq War have been accomplished, and that Iraqis are "ready to stand up and maintain their democracy". (Remember those words, because you'll hear them again, I promise) And the President will call for a "gradual" withdrawal of troops beginning in October 2008.

But again, you can't fool Dame NONE of the time. Nope, I know the game is Chess. All of this was planned many months ago. The President has agreed to take all the "heat" for the war, as he has nothing to run for, so he can take the heat. But as the 2008 elections inch closer, they (the Republican machine) have to take the war issue off of the table in order to have ANY chance at the Presidency in '08. The argument between Republicans and Democrats isn't going to be whether the troops stay in Iraq or go (that will be settled), it will be HOW MANY TROOPS leave at a time in this "phased/gradual" withdrawal. The public will be confused to care, just as long as the troops are coming home.

But that just the thing....the Republicans are just buying time. The pullout of troops from Iraq will be slower than molasses (watch and see), which will be by design. That way, when something else "pops off" in the region (like Iran's nuclear program...sound familiar?), the case will be made that the troops can't leave Iraq quickly because we still need a "presence in the region". And since we really can't invade Iran the same way we did Iraq, those troops will have to be "staged" next door to Iran.....yep....in Iraq. The plans are already being drawn up for air strikes in Iran. It will happen. Watch and see.

So the Republicans plan is to take the issue of the war "off the table" long enough (by fronting a real withdrawal) to try and win the Presidential election, then they will keep the troops in Iraq by starting a war with Iran.

Power has always been a corrupting factor with men. And the love and need of power makes men forget their character and what they know to be right. Soldiers die, innocent men, women and children die, liberty is defrocked, all for the love of power.

"Questions" by Dame

2007-07-10T09:21:00.000-04:00

If I got an answer for every prayer I prayed before, would I ever need to pray again? If I stopped today would it lead me to a life of sin…of strange women and straight Hen…of dreams delayed and dog days full of heartbreak and pain? Would I be bitin’ my lip through the strain? I’m trying to stay sane, but it seems like everything is so easy to lose and so hard to gain. Sometimes it just feels like I’m blowing in the wind, like what’s gonna happen is gonna happen, and it is what it is in the end. Riding down the avenue, I see faces of the martyred , of those that have single mothers and never knew fathers….slaughtered… in those back alleys of Charlotte…I’m prayin’...but I know the same thing gonna happen tomorrow…
I got Questions…So what’s it all for? I don’t do a lot for show…might let the wrist glow, might do a show for a little dough, but for the most part I’m pretty practical. Actual facts...is what I see in front of me, naturally leading me to a conclusion to which most wouldn’t agree...or at least wouldn’t admit to it…they have the same questions I do...but just toss it into their mental receptacle. See, nobody wants to be a spectacle. Everybody just wants to belong and feel good about it…fit in and stay away from the haters and the naysayers and the doubters. While I’m placating with my spouse and...saying yeah, I’m with the in crowd, but inside I’m really doubting.
See I got these questions...like what do I believe and more importantly why do I believe it? I’ve been taught its better to give than to receive, but what’s wrong with receiving’. I know the difference between good and bad, but what happens when my good is someone else’s bad….and is it still all gravy when someone else gets mad? Or if I’m prayin’ to win the game that someone else loses... so I get all the glory while they catch the bumps and bruises. I jump to conclusions...but try not to peruse them, I love my friends and family and I don’t want to lose them. But I can’t help but think about those abused children… not just the ones that get sold for a $20 hit...but I also think about the ones who’s only sin was growing up Catholic. Is it just by chance I was born Baptist? Those kids didn’t choose their religion….it came down on them …like their misfortune of running into John Geoghan. Read about him if you don’t know…molesting altar boys since ‘bout 74, all covered up by those who claim to hear the voice of God, it just seems odd, how the so called angels are actually beasts in disguise...or perhaps they aren’t actually in disguise, but we ‘re just closing own damn eyes …to the manipulation…and the passing of the collection plates and…I’m reaching way back while the Pastor pushing the Mayback? Something wrong with that. Not that something wrong with a Pastor riding to floss...I mean...I like to ride clean as well... but ain’t nobody going to hell if they don’t break me off…shoot, how you gonna put salvation on sale? I got these questions…
Like are the pearly gates or fear of that fiery place the only thing that motivates…doing the right thing? Or do my beliefs alone make me better, than that girl in Sierra Leone that sweatin’, underneath a man she don’t know and she ain’t lettin’…but he’s takin’…and he got the knife and a hard on so he’s rapin’. And after he get through mountin’....how somebody gonna tell her keep climbing that rough side of the mountain? I can’t…What?…Am I going to tell her everything is going to be alright...when the same thing probably gonna happen tomorrow night? Do I tell her to pray more at night? In spite…of the reality of her life...that she lives in a place and a state where if you’re 12 years old...you’re ripe…or should I even care as long as I’m alright? That’s just somebody else’s problem…right? All this...while I pray that Duke Power don’t turn off my lights? Uptight about my cable staying on long enough for me to watch the fight. I fight the urge to pray during lottery night….just feels a little trife. See I don’t have the answers, if I did, I wouldn’t have the questions…I do my best and… if somebody is in need I try to help them…and I take care of my family and myself and…I used to judge people randomly and detest them…if they didn’t believe the same way I did…but not anymore…I mean no matter what their religion...some people will still kick you while you’re on the floor. So I deal with life as it comes to me, but my search for answers to my questions will never cease, in the meantime I’ll try to keep prayin’ till I find that peace.

We have an uphill battle, but not an impossible one...

2007-07-08T16:43:00.001-04:00

I have to admit that up until a few years ago, I was very unaware of the severity of the gang problem our youth faces today. I thought all that stuff went out with the movie "Colors" back in 1987. I mean, everybody knows that gang affiliation leads to jail, death or at least a crook in your neck from having to look over your shoulder all your life, right? Well, I was mistaken and disillusioned. Gangs have become a bigger problem in 2007 than they ever were 20 years ago. The attached video gives you an expample of what we are up against. People, we have got to do something. We have to show these young people that there is a better life...a better way. We have to show them that there is hope...because right now...in their minds...they have none.

This video has some graphic language and violence. But you need to see this.

See it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtCxXEzNYxc

Caroline by Dame

2007-07-08T09:20:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had it in your hand and let it slip away? Blown away like the dream you had last night, but couldn’t quite remember? Gone away... like green leaves do every September.
As the days go by, passion turns from red, to brown, to yellow, to non-existent....to I can’t even remember.
Can’t remember what was going through my head way back then…when I would dream of her skin on my brown skin….
Insecurity…yeah, that it had to be why I didn’t even try to win…too busy looking into those eyes...wishing it would never end. No way she would accept me...I didn’t have the bank roll, the gear, the 430...placing barricades in my own way...two feet away...but might has well been down the hallway…shoot, in another state.
My mind was in another state, as my lips parted to say…..”Hey…I just want to tell you...” Dude, do you belong in Belleview?!? You better keep your mouth shut... be glad she’s your study partner...and she invited you over to ponder...and you got a mind for this...you know...signs, cosigns, regression and analysis... save yourself from getting dissed , dismissed, on some ‘ol delusional sh*t. Stick to what you know bruh...cause this is the only way you even seein’ this...chick.
Whew...back to reality...”yeah, I think the answer is ‘C’, sum of the hypotenuse squared”...I’m dying slowly. Sure I’d like to try the Mauby tea. Never known something so bitter to taste so sweet…steam rising off my cup almost as high as my heartbeat….every sip taking me back to her island homeland…the Caribbean...heard it was beautiful there, and now I know and ain’t never been….
I swear to you her skin was like crushed cinnamon...the kind that grandma used to sprinkle over the dough…with the raisins. Heart is racin’....got about thirty more minutes and Imma have to blaze then. But I’d stay as long as she’d let me....shoot ...you can go ahead and wheel the grave in. Been here ‘bout nine hours...when I get back home...what my boys gonna say then?? How you over this girl’s house all day and didn’t even get a tounge in? They gonna revoke my player card for real, and I wouldn’t righteously blame ‘em. Never really been a player for real, I was just fakin’. They never understood me anyway, no point in explaining’. I wasn’t into hittin’ and quittin...I just wanted to stay in.
Hearing her island accent tasted like honey...thick and fresh from the comb...Alone with her...in her presence was enough for me. Finally met someone that shared my love of the scholarly. Love for the algorithms, and statistical Pythagorean theorems. Every time I came up with the answers her voice seemed to quiver. Like I was hitting a spot that no man had ever delivered....like it was meant to be. I could tell the folds of her mind were moistening and opening to receive my scholarly entity. So I flipped her over on my E=mc...squared her over like two triangles oughta be...writhing in passion our minds intertwined like infinity. We were about to come to a conclusion that it was meant to be. But that was just me. She had no idea, because I couldn’t let her see....that I wanted more than just ABC and 123...I wanted C-A-R-O-L-I-N-E, on me, beside me, if you got a problem with it speak now or forever hold your peace, I wanted a house on the hill and all the bills to come to me. Baby I’ll bring home the bacon, the cheddar, AND the shrimp scampi. Damn, why can’t I shake this petrifaction , that’s keeping this love story apart like segregation...Dame just tell her how you feel...these are your feelings...don’t betray them. But fear won that battle a long time ago...I wanted to hear every word from her honey accented voice except NO.

If you really want something out of life, you should go for it...don’t let fear keep you from exploring...a galaxy of love, life and the excitement of adoring....your achievement...it could happen...it will happen if you let it...speak to it...breathe life into it....don’t let it slip through your fingers like my Caroline.

Interesting conversation today...

2007-07-03T17:28:00.000-04:00

I hope each of you have a happy and safe 4th of July holiday, although it doesn't seem so much like a holiday this year since it falls on a Wednesday, but I wish each of you a happy one just the same...

When I'm not conducting a sales training session at one of my clients' locations, during the week I'm generally working from home. However, from time to time, I'll go to my local Starbucks and do some work on my laptop from there, while drinking a $2.17 cup of coffee. There is a very eclectic and diverse group of people that frequent Starbucks. You see people from every walk of life and every conceivable ethnic group. They're conversing, working, conducting business, interviewing for jobs, etc....its a nice thing to see. And yes, the coffee is good. Very good. But I digress...

So I'm sitting in Starbucks today, having my $2.17 cup of coffee, at a table, working on my laptop, minding my own business, when a scruffy looking guy walks in and....you know how you get the feeling that someone is staring at you?...Well I look up, and this guy was staring at me for some strange reason. So I start looking right back at him like, "do I know you, or am I going to have to raise up?" (And I don't mean "raise up" like, "uplifting the people" raise up, I mean "raise up" like "we're about to have a serious misunderstanding" raise up) But as soon as about 10 seconds passed, he stopped staring and went to place his coffee order. I went back to working, and about 2 minutes later, after the guy got his coffee, he started staring at me again, but he had this weird look on his face, a look like "what is this dude doing here?"

Now, pause with me a moment here. About 5 years ago...no, correction...about 3 years ago....no, correction.....about a year ago, had that situation happened to me, I would have immediately asked the guy, "What the HELL are you looking at, do you have a problem?" with a very menacing scowl on my face. But in this case, I just asked, "do I know you sir?" He answered that he thought I looked familiar, but for some reason I didn't believe him. I could tell, however, that he wanted to have some sort of conversation with me. I could also tell (don't ask me how), that the conversation he wanted to have with me was a political/social one. I'm not sure if it was because I looked like an "approachable" black guy, or if it was because I was the only black guy in the place, or he just felt like venting some frustration to someone he could possibly "debate" with, or he just liked to talk to new people, but I had a feeling where the conversation was going to go.

To make a long story short, we went through the common pleasantries, "what do you do for a living?" "where are you from?" "man, this is good coffee" etc., etc. But as I figured, we got on the subject of the economy. And I wasn't surprised when he brought up the subject of welfare. So I'm thinking...BINGO, here we go. He started to make a case to me about how "all these people are on welfare...they don't want to work...they are lazy and just want the government to take care of them." I guess he wanted me to try and "defend" welfare for some reason, maybe because I was Black or something, I don't know. But I just let him talk and beat his chest for a while. So he finally stopped and he was looking for a response from me, so I just asked him "Are you familiar with the Welfare Reform Act of 1996?" He sort of looked at me perplexed, and I explained how the Act required that individuals be working or looking for work (proving the latter) in order to qualify for ANY benefits, etc., etc.

Its amazing to me how people can have perceptions about a certain group of people, but these perceptions not be a part of reality, as they are not very well informed. He was looking for a debate, but got a history lesson from me, instead. But if you know me, you know I didn't let him off the hook. I then asked him "Do you think $6.15 an hour (current minimum wage in North Carolina) is enough to live on when gas is $3 a gallon?" For some reason he started to look at his watch. Amazing how he didn't want ANY PART of that conversation. He just smiled, and I told him that it was good talking to him, and he left.

Interesting conversation, indeed.

Dame

Seperate but Equal? (The game is Chess, not Checkers)

2007-06-29T11:50:00.000-04:00

Why we don't need a "Black" leader.

2007-06-27T19:05:00.001-04:00

When I started this blog, one of the things I promised myself was that I would stay true to what I believed, even if my beliefs were not among the most popular ones. I feel that as long as we maintain an open mind concerning thoughts, ideas and beliefs that may differ from our own, we can still gain a new perspective on items that matter to us. I really do enjoy hearing the thoughts and opinions of others, because I truly do learn from them, but I realize that not everyone will agree with me, which makes sense because I don't know everything.

With that in mind, let me get something off of my chest that I've been pondering for a while now. I was having a conversation with a family member, a while back, who was concerned about the fact that Black people really didn't have a "leader" like in the days of MLK and Malcolm X. They felt that Al and Jesse left something to be desired as far as true leadership was concerned (which I agreed), and that black people NEEDED another leader for the 21 century. I then inquired "why?" Why do we as Black people feel like we need a leader? Why do we feel like we need someone to stand for us or to speak for us? Why do we feel we need someone to tell us what WE think as a people, when and who to boycott, and who to give a "pass" to?

I can't help but recognize that we are the ONLY race on this planet we call Earth, that feels this way. If you don't believe me, then tell me....who is the designated Hispanic leader? Asian leader? For that matter, who is the White leader, and don't tell me President Bush because 48% of White Americans didn't even vote for him during the last election, and he even lost the popular vote in 2000. (We all remember that fiasco.) But we, as Black Americans seem to be the only ones who have this "leader" discussion. Dr. MLK, did a tremendous amount for minorities in general and Blacks specifically, in the 60s. His strength and courage in the face of a system that had held black people and down for literally hundreds of years, was the personification of true leadership. His was a voice of unity, justice and equality for all, and not a voice that just wanted to hear itself talk. When he marched, he marched for a purpose, freedom, not just to see himself on the news. I happen to believe that God broke the mold after he made Dr. MLK., and I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing.

These days, its almost like we are waiting around for someone else to tell us what's right, what's wrong, and what to do about it, when we ALREADY KNOW what's right, what's wrong, and what we should do about it. Drugs are bad....is there any debate on this? Finishing school is good....right? Gangs are bad....right? Degrading women is bad...right? Loving each other is good....right? Helping others is good....right? Investing in our children's future is good. Supporting our businesses is a good thing. So on and so forth. Do we need someone to lay this out for us? Even after everything we saw and/or read about concerning the Civil Rights struggles of the '60s, and about how to get things done when you are facing a seemingly immovable object, but these days we have a problem because the immovable object.....is US, not Jim Crow Laws.

Instead of a single Black Leader, I think that EVERY Black person should be a leader in their own family first....then in their community next. But in their FAMILY FIRST. One needs not be a supreme orator like MLK, or a super negotiator like Jesse, or have the wit of Al Sharpton, because the lack of these skills in no way diminishes the impact that person can have on their OWN family and in their OWN community. Everyone is given a gift, its our job to find out what it is, then use that gift to help others. Period. Leadership is what Leadership does. Period. Its the ACTION involved in promoting POSITIVITY in and to others. If something is broken, then work to fix it. If someone needs encouragement, then say something to encourage them. If someone is in your neighborhood selling drugs, then work to get them off of your block. If a young black student is at risk for dropping out of high school, lets get him/her the help they need to stay in school.

In the 60s, it was one man, MLK, with the weight of a mountain on his shoulders that personified leadership for Black America. In 2007, its many Black men and women, committed to carrying a tiny piece of that mountain, which personifies leadership. We don't need A Black Leader......we need EVERYONE to commit to being leader in their own way. If you can commit to helping another brother or sister in some way, no matter how small, you are a BLACK LEADER. And as far as I'm concerned, you and everyone else who does the same, are MY BLACK LEADERS.

Dame